Starbucks wants us to all go to our nearest Starbucks location on Tuesday, April 8th, at 9am PST/ 12pm EST “sharp,” for “something big.” If the barista re-training last month was Phase 2, is this Phase 3? Is the spaceship comet passing overhead then? Will we at least get free drink coupons out of the deal?


Edit Your Comment

  1. AMetamorphosis says:

    I vote for a guest appearance from Juan Valdez …

  2. Bladefist says:

    How did they turn coffee into some kind of movement, or art? They are brilliant. Although I would never go there.

  3. AlteredBeast (blaming the OP one article at a time.) says:

    Don’t most people start work at 9am? Or at work already by 12pm? How is this going to work? Why not have it at 3am while everyone is sleeping? O_O

  4. keith4298 says:

    Now that AT&T, Apple and Starbucks are in a threesome, I’m guessing that they are just taking a page out of Apple’s marketing book. Top secret….come and get it!

  5. keith4298 says:

    @AlteredBeast: It’s at noon on the east coast!

  6. CaptainSemantics says:

    Parts of me wonder how many people will skip work or class just to be part of this “something big.” Tuesday morning will be the least productive day ever.

  7. CaptainSemantics says:

    @CaptainSemantics: Yes, I just realized how silly it was to type that a morning would be the least productive day ever. Commence flogging.

  8. Chris Walters says:

    @AlteredBeast & @CaptainSemantics: Simple—we will not need jobs after this event. Starbucks will provide. Starbucks is father.

  9. laserjobs says:

    Coffee with a happy ending?

  10. Dead Wrestlers Society says:

    Don’t forget to bring a purple bedsheet and wear your Nikes.

  11. AMetamorphosis says:

    You know the scene in Austin Powers where Starbucks has taken over the world gets funnier & funnier when you see people get this excited over a coffee chain marketing to them …

  12. CaptainSemantics says:

    @Chris Walters: Not father, but mother. I see them going back to the old mermaid logo and sustaining us all with her breasts, pumping out Soylent Green.

    “I want to be…orange…”

  13. CaptainSemantics says:

    @laserjobs: Will you be the first in line for a “full body latte?”

  14. stinerman says:

    한국어를 하십니까?

    They’re just like Apple. They don’t sell you coffee (computers); they sell a way of life.

  15. scarysnow says:

    Maybe all Starbucks employees will systematically commit suicide. I mean, I would.

  16. CaptainSemantics says:

    @scarysnow: Maybe they’ll share their tips? That’s about the same as committing suicide in that place.

  17. ChuckECheese says:

    @AMetamorphosis: That would be cool, but Juan Valdez can’t be everywhere at once. He’s not Santa. I bet he only shows up in Seattle. Of course, were I to say “¿Juan?” around here, half the city would turn and look.

  18. Bladefist says:

    @stinerman: whichi is why I hate apple too. lol

    네, 난 영국 사람이야 하지만 한구어를 배워서 한국 여자친구 있어, 너?

  19. BStu says:

    Donuts, baby. Donuts.

  20. Trai_Dep says:

    If we show up in our underwear, do we get to take cuts in line? I mean, if we gots rockin bodies, ‘natch.

  21. WannaBblonde says:

    Maybe they are looking for new recruits – The Few. The Proud – The Baristas!

  22. FightOnTrojans says:

    @Chris Walters: I, for one, welcome our new caffeinated overlords.

  23. FightOnTrojans says:

    Ooh, ooh, I know what it is: they’re adding electrolytes. Next stop: BRAWNDO!

  24. @CaptainSemantics: Welcome to Costco, I love you!

  25. Rusted says:

    Does Juan Valdez even grow coffee anymore?

  26. nequam says:

    @Rusted: He’s long been dead.

  27. loganmo says:


    Not only that, but in Latin America and Washington, DC there are Juan Valdez coffee shops! Their coffee is pretty dark and tastes good. It does not have that burnt rat hair flavor you get with Starbucks.

  28. Hoss says:

    They will be handing out weapons and maps to dunkin donuts. So much for the laid back approach

  29. RandomHookup says:

    You do know that EST does not equal EDT?

  30. stinerman says:

    I had a boss who was from South Korea, so I noticed the characters. I don’t speak a lick (so I have no idea what you said without the help of Google Translate), but I can distinguish Korean from Japanese, Mandarin, etc.

  31. Bladefist says:

    @stinerman: ah, I see. Basically all I said is I am american, but i’m learning korean because I have a korean girlfriend.

    it’s fun to learn a language such as korean.

  32. @HRHKingFriday: “You went to law school here?”

    “Yeah, I never thought I’d get in…”

  33. nevergod says:

    its what plants need!

  34. Citizen Snips says:

    Brawdno: The Thirst Mutilator.

    Gotta love Idiocracy.

  35. Idiocracy: the official movie of Consumerist!

  36. Dennis says:

    @RandomHookup: I was thinking the same thing — I assume they meant PDT/EDT respectively

  37. Alex Chasick says:

    @FightOnTrojans: Starbucks is too late.

  38. AnonyLawyer says:

    New Logo.

  39. ChuckECheese says:

    @nequam: and @Rusted: Juan Valdez is alive and well. I’m innernetting in one of the JV kaffehausen right now. In fact, “they” just chose a new JV spokesperson. Here’s a story about him: []

  40. RandomHookup says:

    @Dennis: Just an annoyance. It was a real pain when I lived in Indiana which was all EST, all the time. Try explaining that to people who have trouble with “spring forward, fall back”.

  41. Craig says:

    I overheard a Starbucks rep this morning talking about a new service where you can custom order fresh roasted beans that will be shipped within two hours of roasting with two-day shipping. I’m guessing it has something to do with that in combination with their acquisition of Clover.

  42. AErikson says:

    FWIW, I’ve seen info through the pipeline saying that it’s a “coffee tasting event” where they’re going to have a large table with numerous blends in a wine tasting-esque environment. This is supposedly to mark the launch of the all new spring coffee blend. Whether this is what they’re hyping or not, I have no idea.

  43. sk1d says:

    Is this n the States only, or in Canada too?

  44. dscosson says:


    I think this is just some hullabaloo to introduce their new premier coffee blend, “Pike Place Roast”. Free tastings etc. They’re also doing one of those throwback-to-the-old-logo things.

    See attached link.

  45. Mr. Gunn says:

    stinerman: yeah…a tool’s life.