5 Helpful Grocery Shopping Tips From The Conglomerist

Here are 5 helpful grocery shopping tips from your friends at the Conglomerist!

5) Lists are overrated and so are budgets. Oh yeah, and make sure you go shopping when you’re hungry! Bring your kids and let them choose what you will eat for the next week. It’s not like you don’t like Doritos, right?

4) Always buy the value pack. If you see a box that’s bigger, that means it’s always cheaper to buy that one. Make sure not to check the unit pricing because everyone knows that’s totally boring and a huge waste of time.

3) Shop on the inside aisles. Don’t buy a bunch of fruits and veggies and fresh meat. That stuff will just rot really quickly. Instead, buy all your meals pre-made. Come to think of it, why are you even going to the grocery store anyway? If its not available at a gas station, you don’t really need it.

2) DO NOT USE VINEGAR FOR ANYTHING! Buy expensive cleaners. Vinegar is so overrated. It makes you smell like pickles and your husband will leave you.

1) Always, always, always buy things from the middle shelf. Those companies paid good money to be placed there and that means they make better products.



Edit Your Comment

  1. That70sHeidi says:

    Seriously? The first non hah hah funny fake article wasn’t enough?

  2. scarysnow says:

    “It makes you smell like pickles and your husband will leave you.” Ha!

  3. scarysnow says:

    @That70sHeidi: Wow, you’re all business!

    “More Comcast rant posts!”

  4. B says:

    Don’t use vinegar? What else am I supposed to put on my fish and chips?

  5. BlondeGrlz says:

    You forgot one – always buy everything you can at the grocery store. Makeup, paper towels, beach chairs, medicine, toys, all better if you get them the same place as your canned goods. And you save gas!

    Plus, I heard those wholesale stores are racist. And they hate puppies.

  6. NcSchu says:

    @B: Bleach!

  7. Morgan says:

    @B: Ketchup for the chips, cocktail sauce for the fish. (If that sounds horrid to you, just understand that using vinegar as a condiment sounds just as bad to me).

  8. RandoX says:

    Vinegar is so overrated. It makes you smell like pickles and your husband will leave you.

    This guy sounds like a douche.

  9. DrGirlfriend says:

    “Vinegar is so overrated. It makes you smell like pickles and your husband will leave you.”

    That totally happened to me. I learned my lesson, though, believe me. There’s nothing sexy about vinegar. Now I only buy brand-name detergents that prominently feature “aromatherapy” in the name. And guess what? After a day of doing dishes, cleaning bathroom, and mopping floors, that soothing mix of fake lavender and vanilla mixed with detergent soap toooootally makes me feel pampered and relaxed – like after a day at the spa!

  10. BlondeGrlz says:

    Wow, April O’Neil works here now? It’s nice to see she’s taken some time out of her busy TMNT schedule to help all us regular people.

  11. B says:

    @DrGirlfriend: I hope you’ve got enough time to make your husband a Martini for when he comes home from work, otherwise he’ll leave you.

  12. B says:

    @Morgan: Ketchup is good, cause it’s got the vinegar already, but cocktail sauce on fried fish? I’d say lemon is a better choice.

  13. thelushie says:

    “If its not available at a gas station, you don’t really need it.”

    So you have given the college interns a job in advice giving,huh? This made both me and my mother laugh!

  14. That70sHeidi says:

    @scarysnow: No, not more Comcast/BestBuy/Sprint posts, but… something INTERESTING would be good. I need breaks in my work, dammit! Something to read that isn’t blocked by WebSense.

    Or at least TRY and make it FUNNY.

  15. @blondegrlz: Racists? I thought it was Communists…

  16. InThrees says:

    Can we please get back to posts that allow us to make minor grammatical/spelling corrections, or blame the victim, etc?

    You know, I just generally want to be an ingrate in response to the free content I get to see here. Can we get back to that?

  17. Bladefist says:

    While this is an april fools joke, if you do the opposite of what it says, it ends up being a normal consumerist list.

    you guys are way too serious here. They are consumer advocate writers, not comedians. Give’em a break.

  18. SkyeBlue says:

    You forgot “ALWAYS buy brand name products only!”. It’s UNAMERICAN to try and save even a small amount of money by buying generic products and if you do it’s your fault the government is having to send out those economic stimulus checks!

  19. Claystil says:

    I just threw out my vinegar. I don’t have kids, so I asked someone else’s what I should buy to clean my windows. Ended up with a bag of skittles. I’ll let you know how it works out.

    Shit, looks like I’m not funny either. My girlfriend’s been right all along.

  20. DeepFriar says:

    Dugg for no mention of the 100 calorie packs

  21. nequam says:

    @SkyeBlue: Store brand cookies may kill your children! Why do you hate your children … and cookies?

  22. SkyeBlue says:

    @nequam: Store brand cookies may kill your children! Why do you hate your children … and cookies?

    Funny. Uh oh. I buy name brand cookies for my kiddos but at the local salvage food store! They aren’t past the exparation date and the kiddos never know the difference!

    I know, it is probably MY fault our economy is in such a mess.

  23. savvy9999 says:

    6) Buy whatever is on display in the checkout aisle! You can’t have too many tins of breath mints, little books of baby names, or 10-packs of Bic lighters!

  24. overbysara says:

    I don’t like this game. :(

  25. moore850 says:

    You’re right, it’s not like I don’t like Doritos… it’s like, no one likes Doritos.

  26. Gabinha says:

    They forgot to say “Only go buy groceries when you’re hungry!”

  27. The Porkchop Express says:

    @blondegrlz: Where’s Casey Jones?

  28. HannerHearse says:

    Hearty har har. I hate April 1st.

  29. firesign says:

    @moore850: speak for yourself. i love doritos.

  30. kilrathi says:

    I love Doritos. Seriously. CoOl RaNcH 4 LiFe!

  31. mike says:

    In all seriousness, these fake articles are getting lame. They are the same story, just recycled. How about some creativity!

    I wonder if the folks that be are writing it themselves or if people made submissions…

  32. TechnoDestructo says:

    The gas station line makes me pine for Japanese and/or Korean convenience stores. (Well, not the gas stations…they have less stuff than a Chevron) They’re like mini supermarkets. Produce and everything.

  33. Maulleigh says:

    Hey, I’m way ahead of you conglomerist! I could have written this list.

  34. BalknChain says:

    Conglomerist? Where am I?
    Pickle perfume, ha!

  35. Bill Brasky says:

    What about buying the entire display?

    SPEND dammit!

    (Couldn’t beat them…so I’m joining them.)

  36. Grrrrrrr, now with two buns made of bacon. says:

    Don’t forget to use your ATM card at Hannafords! Just to make sure, recite your card number and PIN at the top of your lungs, in case the cashier is deaf.