CNN Wants You To Be Very Afraid Of Parking Lots

CNN has a hilarious article about shopping safety that you should certainly read before you hit the mall this weekend for last-minute gifts. We’re all for safety, but according to this article, letting your senior citizen wander off from the rest of the family is like like tying a fawn to a skateboard and pushing it into a den of lions: “He has to be at least 75 or 80 years old. Now, he’s a potential victim.”

“You see how the kids are just running back and forth? You have the daughter that’s about five steps in front of the mother. The little son is behind the basket; she’s pulling the basket. It’s not a safe way to do things,” he said.

“She doesn’t even have the keys ready. Now, when she gets to the car, it’s going to take her extra time. That’s what we talk about. Be prepared, so when you arrive at your car, you’re ready to get in [because that’s when the vampires are most likely to attack.]”

We may have edited that quote slightly at the end.

The article does provide a list of real security tips that are sensible. They should also be common sense by now, but since being in a hurry or distracted disables common sense so quickly, we’ll recap them here:

  • Lock your doors even after you get in the car.
  • When traveling with young children, everyone should enter on one side of the vehicle.
  • Park in a well-lit area.
  • Remember where you park.
  • Secure valuables and shopping bags inside your trunk.
  • Never carry a lot of cash, and don’t show all of your cash when making a purchase.

They also say you should “remember where you park,” but that’s about as useful as warning someone “do not overcook” or “avoid accidents.”

For more sensible advice, check out this post from Seattle PI a month ago.

“How to outwit thieves while holiday shopping” [CNN]

“Minimize Your Risk Of Theft While Shopping”
(Photo: Svenstorm)


Edit Your Comment

  1. nichomiz says:

    I fire two rounds into the pavement when I get to my car. So far, no robberies.

  2. catnapped says:

    @nichomiz: But it only takes that ONE TIME for the terr…boogey…vampires to get you! What if the gun is empty or you shoot yourself in the foot?

  3. Bladefist says:

    This is Bush’s fault. Hillary would fix this. :)

    Sorry, I cant stand the media and how they want us to live in fear.

  4. chiieddy says:

    Screw the vampires, worry about the zombies!

  5. goodkitty says:

    Dec. 20, 2007

    CNN has run out of news. Obvious stories are sought for questioning. Journalists are on the lookout for Ric Romero. Authorities urge citizens to report any signs of regular activity to CNN at once.

  6. forgottenpassword says:

    Hey I’ve seen a few parking lots in REALLY bad neighborhoods where it is pretty much true! LOL! An elderly person all alone is pretty much the perfect victim.

    The skateboard/fawn/den of lions comment was pretty funny!

  7. swalve says:

    To be fair, isn’t Hollywood, FL, sort of a dump?

    Anyhow, I thought Fox was the news station of Fear!?

  8. IrisMR says:

    Yay for paranoid news!

    When nothing gory is happening, try to freak out the sensible part of the audience… Or try to make a cry show with “emotional news”.

    Sigh. what happened to real journalism? Like in Anchorman?!

  9. JessiesMind says:

    Ah, just out-crazy the crazies and also don’t let sentimentality stop ya from tossing a kid or two at any possible attacker. You can always have more or adopt.

  10. nichomiz says:

    @catnapped: The only thing scarier thatn a guy the fires two round in to the pavement, is one that shoots himself and then drives away.

  11. nichomiz says:

    @nichomiz: F7 on the last post, BTW.

  12. @JessiesMind: Or just pick up a new kid from an orphanage. The NYT is reporting that orphanages stunt mental development in kids, so the more of them we get out of there, the better. (But that does finally explain Orphan Annie’s blank gaze.)

  13. Plasmafire says:

    A local tv news channel did a special on this over a year ago here, and Walmart promised it would start to consider changing all of its parking lots to diagonal parking, to promote safety, after the news channel revealed more kids get run over by SUV’s in Walmarts parking lots than any other stores… Well nothing ever came of it, Walmart considerd it, and decided running over kids is considered acceptable losses… Gotta love them lawyers.. Walmart and any other stores for that fact will do anything to cram more parking spots into their lots..

    Of course we could just blame the everyone who manufactures an SUV instead.. Ford is supposedly the worst at the moment…

    Although nothing is funnier to me than the expirament my friends and I did at a local mall parking lot, We parked far away from everyone else in the furthest possible spot.. and when we returned to our cars guess what, a whole lot of people decided to park extremely far away right next to us, repeatedly in fact.. and there were lots of parking spaces right next to the mall.. go figure.

    Of course right now the real problem is driving around all those shopping carts randomly placed in the parking lots to annoy everyone, and the local Walmart doesn’t like to plow the snow out of its cart corrals… instead it prefers to bury them deeply in snow..

  14. @Plasmafire: Funny experiment. I guess it shows that people feel there’s safety in numbers.

  15. @Plasmafire, woah, i think you’re being a little judgmental, wal-mart provides a great service to poor people

  16. DrGirlfriend says:

    CNN is turning into the local news.

  17. TangDrinker says:

    @Plasmafire: could just be that you parked in the employee section. We always had to park in the spots in another zip code it seemed…

  18. mammalpants says:

    i cant even walk outside at ALL without getting mugged. i had my keys out, but they took them! my kids are gone, my shopping cart got snagged and now i cant even find the parking lot. they mustve taken that, too. i think this story is definitely Breaking News worthy because it is something that is happening to every single man, woman and child in our great nation as soon as they walk outside anywhere, from any location. can’t congress pass an anti-mugging bill to prevent this from happening to us?

  19. Chairman-Meow says:

    Ugh. You finish the last of your Christmas Shopping, all happy n’ full of Christmas cheer. You get in your car, White Christmas playing on the Radio.

    Then Pesky Zombies start pawing the windows and mumbling something about Brains. You got to climb over your gifts, get the shotgun out, and drive them off before you can leave the parking lot.

    Can’t Mall security do something about this; especially during the most joyous time of the year ?

  20. Dr.Ph0bius says:

    @drgirlfriend: Lol, I was thinking the same thing. Like the other day on their front page, we have the Lakota nation announcing cessation from the United States, and leads with Britney SPears little sister being pregnant!

    I would laugh if it wasnt so sad…

  21. mookiemookie says:

    I dunno, I don’t see the big issue here. It’s better to be safe than sorry. The lack of common sense these days is astounding, and if stories like this get people to not keep Christmas presents in plain sight in their cars and things like that, then all the better. It’s not like they’re screaming “ZOMG TERROR ALERT RAISED TO RED! NO BROWN PEOPLE ALLOWED ON AIRPLANES!” They’re simply saying to be a bit more alert this time of year, which I see nothing wrong with.

    An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?

  22. B1663R says:

    what’s the point of having a fat stack of bills if you can’t wave it around?

    a stack of money says “I am way richer than you, i also sell drugs for a living”

    it does not say “mug me i am a chump.”

  23. The only reason I go to parking lots is to buy expensive merchandise. I prefer going late at night, alone, and doing the transaction away from any lights or security cameras.

    Besides, I’m the kind of guy who does all the Christmas shopping on the 24th. Sure, the selection’s bad, but at least the store is crowded. I pay by check without looking to see if there’s enough money in my account. The fees tell me my bank is always on top of things.

  24. senor_tron says:

    I’m with MOOKIEMOOKIE. If nothing else, getting the story out may wake some people up to the fact that this is happening and cause them to be on guard while holiday shopping.

    Last year our friends/neighbors lost their 80+ year old mother/grandmother when some degenerate knocked her down while she was trying to get inside her car in a local store’s parking lot. She died later in the hospital.

    The degenerates who commit this type of crime know that people are distracted while holiday shopping and take advantage of this.

  25. rjhiggins says:

    To be fair to CNN, this was a police operation (albeit staged for TV); it’s not as if CNN was inventing these tips. And for the most part they make sense. Senior citizens are very often preyed on, for example.

    And if you ever go shopping in Hollywood, Fla., trust me, you’d be wise to follow this advice.

  26. JayXJ says:

    It’s not mentioned in either article but having a CCW permit is always a great idea to increase your safety.

  27. PølάrβǽЯ says:

    @JayP71: Indeed; I’ve never been robbed!