CNN has a hilarious article about shopping safety that you should certainly read before you hit the mall this weekend for last-minute gifts. We’re all for safety, but according to this article, letting your senior citizen wander off from the rest of the family is like like tying a fawn to a skateboard and pushing it into a den of lions: “He has to be at least 75 or 80 years old. Now, he’s a potential victim.”

“You see how the kids are just running back and forth? You have the daughter that’s about five steps in front of the mother. The little son is behind the basket; she’s pulling the basket. It’s not a safe way to do things,” he said.

“She doesn’t even have the keys ready. Now, when she gets to the car, it’s going to take her extra time. That’s what we talk about. Be prepared, so when you arrive at your car, you’re ready to get in [because that’s when the vampires are most likely to attack.]”

We may have edited that quote slightly at the end.

The article does provide a list of real security tips that are sensible. They should also be common sense by now, but since being in a hurry or distracted disables common sense so quickly, we’ll recap them here:

• Lock your doors even after you get in the car.
• When traveling with young children, everyone should enter on one side of the vehicle.
• Park in a well-lit area.
• Remember where you park.
• Secure valuables and shopping bags inside your trunk.
• Never carry a lot of cash, and don’t show all of your cash when making a purchase.

They also say you should “remember where you park,” but that’s about as useful as warning someone “do not overcook” or “avoid accidents.”

For more sensible advice, check out this post from Seattle PI a month ago.

“How to outwit thieves while holiday shopping” [CNN]

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