Helio's "Total Happiness Guarantee" Evidently Uses Alternative Understanding Of The English Language

Helio offers a “Total Happiness Guarantee” which says that if you don’t like their phone or service for any reason you can return it within 30 days for your money back, no questions asked. However, their customer service staff is poorly trained and could try to tell you don’t get sales tax refunded, blogs LifeClever. It’s also going to take at least four months for the refund to process, he found, along with other annoying fun plot points.

We’ve had our suspicions and this latest story all but confirms them: Helio and its amazingly incompetent customer service staff are a plot to undermine the will of the American people in preparation for the forthcoming Scientologist uprising and takeover.

5 reasons why Helio’s “Total Happiness Guarantee” is baloney [LifeClever]


Edit Your Comment

  1. Buran says:

    The poster needs to file a chargeback for the missing money. Now. They seem to be hoping that people will miss the window of opportunity for filing chargebacks. Surely, “returned item but failed to receive refund as per merchant policy” is a reason.

  2. AlteredBeast (blaming the OP one article at a time.) says:

    What a strange company. The reps don’t realize how sales takes work, and they just give random extra money for your trouble??

    What I also find funny is that it sounds like there are many refunds being processed, and I most likely that rep had handled a few of them. So everyone before this guy didn’t question the sales tax not being returned? Talk about your uneducated consumers!

  3. GrantGannon says:

    This post makes me sad. I was looking forward to ditching Cingular for Helio come November. Now what will I do.

  4. royal72 says:

    if you’re not in the mood to jump through hoops to get what was promised in the first place and don’t mind the possibility of jail time, then i suggest the following steps to feeling much better about getting screwed by these cunt pumps…
    (a) duct tape that p.o.s. phone to the side of brick.
    (b) spray paint it a nice blue to match the helio company logo.
    (c) write the words “sales tax theft is a crime” on one side of your brick and “and so is stealing from me” on the other.
    (d) hurl it through the window of helio’s corporate headquarters.

  5. UpsetPanda says:

    @GrantGannon: Perhaps I’m one of the rare individuals who actually likes Verizon and hasn’t had any problems with them, regardless of the service. Well, except for DSL but that was a bizarre and tricky problem that required a few hours of fiddling anyway, so I didn’t expect a tech support person on the phone to be able to interpret what the “blue knobby thing” my roommate described to him was.

    Anyway, I have found Verizon to be quite reliable. Their cell phone fees and plans are fairly reasonable…I mean, you have to do some number crunching. For instance, if you text more non-Verizon people than Verizon people, $5 for 250 messages should do the trick vs. $5 for unlimited texting to Verizon custotmers but only 50 messages for non-Verizon customers. I kept finding myself going over in text messages but just went to look at my plan and figured it out.

  6. azntg says:

    Helio tries to market intensively to the Korean-American community too.

    I wouldn’t buy them though. They’re a bit too overpriced and they’re using the Sprint network? Pfft!

  7. girly says:

    maybe the change in the meaning of hapiness is part of the ‘new social etiquette’ (weird name/idea for a campaign)

  8. bperye says:

    I picked up an ocean last month. Switch from Verizon. I made the decision after testing the Ocean for two weeks while making no changes to my Verizon service.

    The Helio product consistently matched or bettered the Verizon service, even in the Faraday cage I call a basement. The device itself is awesome. (Credit goes to Pantech on that, mind you.)

    Customer service when I did decide to port my number was prompt, accurate and polite. My number was ported in about 3 hours and what little trouble I did have (by not reading the instructions all the way prior to porting) I was able to resolve using the self-help on the Helio member website.

    I’m picky and demanding – I hold the devices and services I pay for to really high standards, I’ve had my fair share of consumerist-type dealings with Comcast, Verizon and plenty of others and I’m glad to be able to report that my experience thus far with Helio has been fantastic. I hope it continues.


  9. extracrispy says:

    I’ve had an Ocean for nearly 3 months and have been enormously satisfied with Helio. Yes, there have been a few occasions where the CS reps seemed to know less about the Ocean than I did… but they’re super friendly and, best of all, they speak fluent english.

  10. gzusone says:

    I had the same problem a little over a year ago. I bought a Helio Hero in Aug. 2006. I was not too pleased with the service or the phone so I returned it 6 days later. Luckily, I had picked up the phone at a local Frys Electronics store. I got my full refund from them the same day I returned the phone. Helio, on the other hand, was a bit trickier. The same day that I returned the phone and cancelled the service they charged my debit card for the 1st month, activation, and I am assuming some sort of deposit fee that was never authorized by me. I instantly called CS and wanted to know what was going on. I had used 4 minutes so I was expecting a bill of $10 or less. They said sorry for the inconvenience and they would credit me instantly. The next day I get an email from them stating that my bill is due ($192.96 I think). I call CS again and ask them why I am getting a bill for $$$ they already charged me for? They stated that they haven’t received the phone so they will be charging me for that as well. Newsflash I bought it from a local store not online or over 1-800. They get a supervisor and she states that the refund will be credited and that it could take up to 59 days. WTF? I get charged almost $200 for 6 days of service and it will take 2 months to get my $$$ back? Total happiness eh? I call again in mid Sept., to check on the progress and they tell me that I have never submitted a refund request. At this point I lost it! I then spoke with another supervisor and she said sorry for your inconvenience I will put a rush on your refund request. At this time I also sent the BBB a letter stating my problems with them. They said unfortunately, they have a very bad rating with us so it is unlikely anything will get done unless you write a letter to your State Attorney General. I hung up with them and did just that. Within three business days of my letter writing the $$$ was back in my account. I really doubt the supervisor rush request was the reason. All I can say is that after that ordeal, Helio left a realy bad taste in my mouth.