Your cellphone is not insured against loss in a nuclear crisis or a warzone.

Reader Jonathan found this out when skimming his Cingular contract, with cellphone insurance administered by Asurion, who supply insurance for every major cellphone carrier.

Asurion certainly has thought up some imaginative warranties and exclusions delimits.

Let’s read that sexy legalese, inside.

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We will not pay for Loss caused directly or indirectly or resulting from events, conditions or cause of Loss identified in this Section II. Such Losses are excluded regardless of any other cause or event that contributes concurrently or in any sequence to the Loss.

L. Any Loss or damage caused by or through or in consequence, directly or indirectly, of Nuclear Hazard, meaning any weapon employing atomic fission or fusion; or nuclear reaction or radiation or radioactive contamination from any other cause; but we will pay for direct physical Loss caused by resulting fire, if the fire would be covered under this Certificate.

Loss caused by or resulting from war, including undeclared or civil war; warlike action by a military force, including action hindering or defending against an actual or expected attack , by any government, sovereign or other authority using military personnel or other agents; or insurrection, rebellions, revolution, usurped power of action taken by government authority in hindering or defending against any of these.

And that’s why you always read the fine print. To mine comedic gold.

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