State Farm Isn’t All There

Short Story: State Farm sends a letter telling Rick he was ID’d as fleeing a hit-and-run accident. They claim to have a photograph of Rick.

Problem: Rick wasn’t in town at the time. Problem: They license number they give isn’t his. Problem: They tell Rick to bring his car in for identification or they’ll get a warrant.

State Farm’s Problem: Rick has a cousin who works in British Intelligence.

Long Story: Inside.

Rick: hey
Rick: have a consumer complaint
fakeout: What’s up?
Rick: I got a note over the weekend from State Farm, saying I’d been identified in a “Hit and Run” on “Collingwood Street” in San Francisco on July 29, 2006 with a form asking me for my insurance information. I was not in San Francisco the last week of July and my car was in the parking garage, both copies of the keys were with me. Google Maps shows Collingwood to be on the other side of town.
Rick: so I rang State Farm, talked to a “David” on Team 6, who told me that someone had photographed my plate as “6GCV544”, but that the photograph wasn’t available, they verified the plate with DMV (however, the plates on my car are “6GCU544”) [plate number changed for protection]. The other gentleman has a black Mitsubishi Montero, ,which is evidently an SUV. they then asked me if they could come take a look at my car. I inquired as to why. Their response: “If you don’t cooperate, we’ll get a warrant”
Rick: I responded, “If you would give me consistent, correct information, I would be happy to cooperate with you. Thus far, you have given me an incorrect license plate, and are now resorting to threats to get me to cooperate. Tell you what, I’ll have my mates at Thames House give you a call and you can threaten them. Thank you very much” and I hung up
fakeout: What an aggravation.
Rick: indeed
Rick: but I hope they got the message
fakeout: So you have friends at MI5?
Rick: cousin
Rick: I’m British
fakeout: Wouldn’t that be a darling of a call to listen to.
Rick: AT&T will probably record it
fakeout: Well sounds like State Farm really doesn’t have their facts straight. Pretty ridiculous.
Rick: no, they don’t
Rick: but they still want me to take my car to their office to have them look at it
fakeout: Unfortunate that David will have to die by an exploding umbrella.
Rick: come again?
fakeout: Exploding umbrella… espionage doings…
Rick: Get Smart?
fakeout: In the vein. So wait, they first said they would come to see the car and now they want you to bring it?
Rick: yes
Rick: their story seems to change over the course of a phone conversation
Rick: at the end of the conversation, they said the person photographed me [at the scene]
Rick: I then informed them “if that were indeed the case, it’s unique in natural history as I was out of town that whole month on vacation with my family in Europe. If you have a picture of me at the scene, submit it to the Vatican, I could use a sainthood.”
fakeout: rodger, well we have about all we need for a satisfactory post
fakeout: closing remarks?
Rick: State Farm really ought to do their homework before sending out rubbish letters like this.