Buy This Week’s Economist, or Steal It, or Something.

On Sunday, I realized with a sick chill of horror that I had officially become old. Sunday, you see, is when my local newstand refreshes their stock of periodicals. Usually, I leap from bed on Sunday morning, throw open the curtains, brightly baritone a “Good Morning!” song of my own devising to the sleepy looking magpies cocking their eye at me out my window, and rush down, eager to to secure my weekly infusion of pornography.

But a few months ago, I somehow accidentally grabbed a copy of The Economist instead of Jugs Magazine. And now, Sundays are special to me only by the prospect of lounging on the couch with a ponderous mug of coffee largely bigger than my skull while digesting the world econo-political markets.

Which brings me to my bleary-eyed Monday morning point: the September 9th through 15th issue of The Economist (on sale NOW!) has an absolutely hysterical article called “Welcome Aboard.” The column posits what an honest in-flight announcement might sound like. It’s all great, but here’s a small portion.

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation, the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. The aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should also be removed, since even to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.

The author also raises the question, “When’s someone going to get around to making these crazy jets Gameboy proof, anyway?” Seriously, go buy it. Or at least read it standing up at the store while a newsie informs you that this isn’t a fucking libbery.

Fear of Flying [Economist Subscribers Only]


Edit Your Comment

  1. Reminiscent of Fight Club…

    All the oxygen masks, flotation devices and emergency raft/slides aren’t going to save you…

    I do wonder about the game boy issue though…why are airline avionics so delicate that commercial electronics like cell phones, laptops, gameboys, etc. are going to bring the plane down? Surely that’s a national security issue? (Don’t call me Shirley) I mean, all terrorists have to do is turn on their gameboy during takeoff or landing and it’s Allah hour.

  2. jeblis says:

    I was able to get a free day pass by viewing an ad. Only worked in IE though.

  3. Drinker Nisti says:

    The Economist rocks. It has more journalistic content than Time, Newsweek, and US News & World Report combined. The editorials definitely lean to the right, but at least it’s generally an intelligent principled conservatism, rather than the foam-at-the-mouth, knee-jerk Bushie conservatism we get here in the States…

  4. I always mix up the Economist and Juggs magazine.

    Sometimes its embarassing at the gym

  5. Triteon says:

    I agree with Nisti…we could certainly use more publications like the Economist (for both sides of the political aisle). Great article– thanks for the link, crayon!

  6. Zach Everson says:

    The Economist has long been one of the few honest sources of information about the safety of flight travelclding ridiculing the notion that cell phone use could cause a disaster.

  7. factotum says: has essentially the same message in funny cartoon format.