French Burger King Fans Unite!

A bunch of French Burger King fans are sick of shouting “O

est le boeuf?” unanswered into the void. And like crazies everywhere, they’re organizing on the Internet via petition.

If years of cerebral alcohol absorption hasn’t completely bled my high school French out of me, their petition reads: “Do you miss the delicious Burger King’s delicious Whopper hamburger? Since Burger King left France in 1997, are your taste buds in mourning? Sign the petition!”

Yeah, they’re crazy. But trust me. You’d want that ghoulish plasticine Burger King back too if you had to eat at the Quick. I’ve had burgers there that put to gastro-aesthetic shame any of the sadistic Argentoesque horrors that America’s line cooks have cooked up for me over the years. My last burger at the Quick was three paddies of glistening offal, stuffed between soggy maxi pads, ejaculated upon by every fry cook, then allowed to sit out in the sun. Like many terrible European institutions (see, also: Ireland’s SuperMac’s), these places only manage to survive by allowing Euros to keep their supposed superiority over us “idiot barbarians” by purposely eating at far inferior but Euro-owned knock-offs of the very American staples they so snootily deplore.

Petition for the return of Burger King to France