Toddlers Too Fat For Child Safety Seats

Millions of American parents are dealing with a new problem: how to squish that gelatinous piece of lard into a too-small child safety seat.

Plastic child safety seats exploding about their portly bellies like shrapnel bombs, the nation’s fattest children are forced to commute to preschool in seats that do not adequately protect their squidgy cellulite from trauma in case of a car crash. Only two child safety seats on the market today accomodate today’s morbidly obese toddler and both cost upwards of $250.

“While we await reductions in the childhood obesity epidemic, it is essential to develop child safety seats that can protect children of all shapes and sizes,” said Lara Trifiletti, a safety seat researcher alarmed by the results of the study.

We’re not sure why she’s so concerned. Surely in a car crash, a fat child would be safer than the other passengers, as he imperviously bounced around the inside of the vehicle like a piece of Flubber.

Kids Getting Too Fat For Safety Seats, Study Finds