Capitalist Teen Exploits Elderly On DST


An Indiana teenager is planning on ruthlessly exploiting the befuddlement of the elderly in order to rake in the bucks as his state switches over to Daylight Savings Time for the first time in three decades.

His eyes glowing like demonic embers dottling the jet silhouette of his face, Evan Kelsco cackled maniacally into April 1st’s setting sun. He explained his master plan: “For ten bucks, I’ll change all the clocks in someone’s house to the correct time. For an extra buck, I’ll install new batteries. I plan to make a killing on old people… they’re weak, stupid and feeble-minded, unable to comprehend the science that governs the rotation of the earth around the sun. If they want to take their medicine on time, thus squeezing yet another joyless day out of the desiccated husks of their corporeal frames, they’ll have to pay me… nyeah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Actually, we’re just kidding. We kind of admire Evan’s capitalist spunk, although we think he’s got a nightmare on his hands: $10 bucks to change the clock on every device a person owns? We’ve owned microwave ovens with interfaces that more resembles metaphysical riddles than time-keeping devices. It’s not worth it: Daylight Savings Time is a scam anyway. The sooner people come to their senses and realize you don’t get more daylight just because the clock reads something different, the better.

Time change is money for Indiana teen [CNN]