Here’s our tricked-out version of a Dealhack guide to buying a new cell phone.

1. Figure out what you need before you start shopping.
How big do you want the hole in your head to be?

2. Find the right phone.
Does it shoot starbrite pony lasers?

3. Consider the network technology.
Can I hack my microwaved pancakes with it?

4. Look at the service providers.
Which of these suitors would I feel most comfortable with raping me once a month?

5. Whenever possible, test before you buy.
Nothing like a good dry hump.

6. Save big by signing up for new service.
The first hit is always free.

7. Buy through a third-party merchant.
Benefit from the the path trod by the suckers who came before.

8. Look for “free after rebate” deals.
What? Did someone say free masticating?

9. Consider canceling an existing plan to upgrade.
Especially if you find being fined a couple of Grant notes titillating.

10. Return the phone if it doesn’t work for you.
Whoop that trick! Kick it to the curb and stompity stomp stomp.

10 Tips for Finding the Best Cell Phone, Plan and Deal [Dealhack]

Want more consumer news? Visit our parent organization, Consumer Reports, for the latest on scams, recalls, and other consumer issues.