The Global Pastors Network — a confederacy of evangelical protestants closing the spines of their Bibles on their laps and thumping back and forth in excitement of the impending Apocalypse — have announced their “Billion Souls Initiative”.

Their aim? Open 5 million new franchises all over the world in the next ten years. Their goal? Securing enough Christian souls that the Rapture can take place.

And Christians wonder why people hate them. You know, some of us are having fun having premarital sex with multiple strippers on piles of ill-gained cash. Christians trying to hasten the Rapture is like the joykill R.A. flicking the lights on-and-off on the dorm beer/bong party at 10:30, petulantly insisting that people are trying to sleep.

And don’t forget: Heaven is full of people like John Daker.

Link: Pastors planning 5 million new churches

Link: My Name Is John Daker

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