For added fun, why not play the song "re: Your Brains" by Jonathan Coulton while you watch the map animation? The catchy song about white collar employment and zombiedom somehow makes the doom and gloom easier to take.

"The Geography of Jobs" [TIP Strategies via The Next Web]
"re: Your Brains" [Jonathan Coulton]
(Photo: eyesplash Mikul)

It's particularly ironic coming from Hallmark, a company that debuts its Christmas ornament collection around the time that school lets out for the summer.

If this came out as an actual Christmas card, I would purchase it to send to carefully selected friends and family.

Chuck & Beans [Shoebox Blog] (Thanks to everyone who sent this in!)

At this point, I decided to call AOL myself. After spending 10 minutes on hold, I reached a human being. She asked for the answer to the security question on the account–which we had set up nine years ago and neither my wife nor I remembered anymore. That was a dead end, so I asked her to send a printed bill to my home address. But she wasn't authorized, either.

By the time Caller No. 5 rolled around, I was out of patience.

How can you charge me for something I didn't order and certainly didn't want, about which I was never informed, and for which I have received no bill of any kind?

Replied Caller No. 5: "You did agree to it, sir. You agreed to it when you opened the account."
Really? I said incredulously. Can you document that?

"Yes, of course, sir," he answered. I could almost hear his nose growing as he hesitated. "It was on … it was on … page C of your original account agreement."

As if this weren't preposterous enough, Caller No. 5 then offered me free AOL access "for the rest of your life" if I would just pay the $103.60.

If it was a free benefit when I was an employee and it's now free forever to anyone who wants it, I asked, then why exactly do I owe $103.60?

"For the upgrade you requested, sir."

I didn't request any upgrade.

"Yes, you did, sir, on page D."

Wasn't that page C a minute ago?

"Yes, sir, quite right, page C."

Are you confused yet? So was Zweig. He gave up on trying to kill the zombie account, and instead barricaded his property—that is to say, put a fraud alert on his credit report.

You've Got Blackmail: The AOL Account That Wouldn't Die [The Wallet]

(Photo: kalleboo)

Have any other readers had a problem with AOL suddenly billing them out of nowhere, without any notice? I had an account with them that I opened nine years ago, perhaps paying about $9.99 initially, but I haven't paid for their service since around 2000, after it was converted to a free account provided to me when I worked at Time Warner. Then, of course, I went to broadband like the rest of the country.

In February/09, after probably years of not using AOL, I was sent a notice in the mail to "update" my account because they were having a hard time billing me. I logged in and hit "update" and I got a message saying I had a free account and all was well. But I guess it wasn't. Yesterday, I got a notice from a collections agency saying I owe $103.60 for four months of service. I've called AOL repeatedly, and they insist that a $25.90 per month charge was being successfully billed to a Visa, but the Visa stopped working in November/08. I've never had a Visa! And I certainly didn't authorize a $25.90 monthly charge for a free, subpar internet service. So who was paying for my account?

I don't know what to do at this point. I'm having them send me a fraud form, since that may be my best chance at fighting this, but I have so far been unable to convince them that something is wrong here. Incidentally, I pulled a credit report on myself last night to see if there was a latent or delinquent Visa I wasn't aware of, and there are no Visa cards on it. I have perfect credit and am worried about the collections agency reporting this if I can't solve the problem. Any advice?

She can't do a chargeback when the account was billed to a credit card that doesn't exist. Other than going all customer service ninja and contacting someone in a position of power, any ideas as to what Jennifer can do?

(Photo: kalleboo)

It all started last night with a mundane "injured officer" report:

INJURED OFFICER: Officer from district 4 transported to Beth Israel Hospital, human bite to arm, suspect in custody.

Twitter user willcady used the opportunity to ask the police a burning question:

@Boston_Police if that was a zombie bite, would you tell us?

The police, setting the gold standard for government transparency, answered him:

@willcady Yes, absolutely

Keep this exchange in mind the next time someone tries to convince you that Twitter is completely useless. Customer service via Twitter can not only help solve your problems, it can get crucial information out to the public.

Boston Cops: No Lie on Zombie Attacks [Dumb as a Blog] (I learned about this via Twitter, naturally)

(Photo: ginnerobot)

To Whom It May Concern:

I've been a fan of consumerist.com for a while now. I consider myself a pretty well-informed consumer and never thought I would ever have to email y'all - that was until I got home from work today and opened the mail.

I received a notice from a collection agency about an old Verizon DSL account that I had. When I moved to my current apartment, I called Verizon to cancel my telephone and DSL service as the apartment already had cable and internet through Comcast and I had a cellphone and wasn't planning on getting a new land-line.

A month after I moved, I received a bill from Verizon for DSL service but not telephone service. I called Verizon again and explained that I had closed my account and that I didn't have the DSL service anymore. They issued credits for the incorrectly billed service and I thought I was done.

I then received yet another bill from Verizon the next month for DSL service. The funny thing about this bill was that it showed the credits for the incorrect bills on them from the previous month. I called again and thought it had been taken care of. I should have known better.

That Januray, I received a letter from a collection agency saying that I owed Verizon money. Being the pack-rat that I am (I keep anything that resembles a bill) I did some research and found all of my paperwork from when I had called Verizon. I called the collection agency (AFNI) and Verizon (again). I spoke to someone at AFNI and she said that all I had to do was fax in the copy of my Verizon bill showing the credit and that it would be taken care of. Again, I thought it had been taken care of. This happened on January 23, 2006 - I saved the fax confirmation page (I moved November 1, 2005).

Almost exactly a year later, on January 13, 2007, I received a letter from another debt collection agency (AMO Recoveries) about the same debt. I called them to (again) dispute the debt. I then called Verizon who said that they saw that the account had been resolved and then the guy who I spoke to (Brian was his name I think) said he was going to call the agency (AMO Recoveries) while I was on the phone.

This brings me to tonight and to the letter I received from the third collection agency (Penn Credit Corporation). It is for the same everything as the two previous credit agencies.

I have already called the collection agency (Penn Credit Corporation) and notified them that I was disputing the validity of the debt. I plan on sending a written dispute tomorrow via certified mail (return receipt requested). I also plan on calling Verizon again - not that it will do much good.

I was hoping that someone could offer some tips as to how to take my efforts with Verizon to the next level. Do you know where I could find an address or email address of someone I could write at Verizon's corporate headquarters?

This whole situation has left me somewhat cynical about anything remotely related to Verizon and any affiliated companies. I had been talking with my roommate about switching from Comcast to Verizon for Internet (our building isn't wired for FiOS). Now, I would rather deal with Comcast then have to endure dealing with Verizon again.

Any help/advice/assistance that you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Kevin K.

Otherwise, the only thing we can think of is reporting them for mail fraud, since they're asking you for money you don't lawfully owe and thus their collection attempts are unlawful. (See: Unlawfully Billed? Threaten To Report Them For Mail Fraud)

(Photo: Zed & 2 Naughts)

Daniel Gross is back with more zombie brands. Among them:

Lots more, and lots of links, in the Slate article, plus some amusing requests for brand resurrections (mostly junk food). — SAM GLOVER

(Photo: Demedulce)

If you think you are having flashbacks every now and then, you are right. So are manufacturers, who grab onto every advantage—even a dubious one—to make their products stand out in a crowded marketplace. Thus, Ford pulls the 500 badge and revives Taurus. Coca-Cola revives Tab as Tab Energy, and Life magazine is demoted to a newspaper insert. From Slate's Daniel Gross:

What gives? Why kill a product only to resurrect it? Businessspeople and marketers put great store in the concept of brand equity, the set of intangible factors that account for the value of a brand or a product. Even when products fail or are withdrawn from the marketplace, they still retain vestigial brand equity.

— SAM GLOVER

(Photo: joelf)

Paul Trinder, who awoke to see the body at the end of his row, last week described the journey as "deeply disturbing", and complained that the airline dismissed his concerns by telling him to "get over it".

"It was a complete mess — they seemed to have no proper plans in place to deal with the situation," said Trinder, 54, a businessman from Brackley, Northamptonshire.

The woman died during a nine-hour flight on a Boeing 747. Trinder was catching up on sleep when he was woken by a commotion and opened his eyes to see staff maneuvering the body into a seat.

"I didn't have a clue what was going on. The stewards just plonked the body down without saying a thing. I remember looking at this frail, sparrow-like woman and thinking she was very ill," said Trinder.

"She kept slipping under the seatbelt and moving about with the motion of the plane. When I asked what was going on I was shocked to hear she was dead."

British Airways responds: BA said the dead woman was taken into first class because the rest of the plane was full.

A spokesman said: "When a customer passes away on board it is always difficult and we apologise for any distress caused."

He said there were about 10 deaths each year out of 36m passengers.

Other carriers use different procedures. Singapore Airlines has introduced "corpse cupboards" on its Airbus 340-500 aircraft. Cabin crews use the locker if there is no empty row of seats to place a corpse.

BA Sat Corpse In First Class [Times Online]
(Photo: smartjunco)

Remember AOL Wants to Eat the Dead? Or AOL Wants to Sell Internet to the Dead? AOL-owned Netscape called bullshit on these stories.

And yet, they still keep on flooding in. The latest comes via the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, and details Maxine Gauthier's nine month struggle to cancel the AOL account of her dead father. She's called dozens of times, most of these occasions ending with the (now laid-off) representative hanging up on her. They just didn't believe the man was dead.

As proof, Gauthier tried to fax in her father's obituary. AOL's reaction? "An AOL service guy told me to stop complaining and learn to use a computer," she said. "Then he hung up."

Someone should fax AOL's death certificate and prove to them that they are truly dead.

Even dead people can't escape AOL [STLtoday.com] (Thanks, Nick!)

This is low. Very, very low. AOL doesn't even care if your mom is a corpse. They still want to proposition her for access to the magical walled garden world of America Online. Perhaps she was just unhappy with the service? Perhaps we can just reduce the hours to make it softer on the ol' wallet?

No. She's dead. Mom is dead. They don't do AOL in heaven. Up there, they have free wireless broadband.

By the by, National Geographic's caption for the photo above reads, "Body louse taking a blood meal from a person."

Read Brenda's horrifying letter, after the jump...

Brenda writes:

"Hi! I'm writing after hearing the phone conversation between Vincent and AOL. I was curious about this because I had a similar conversation with AOL back in February.

My mom had AOL, but on February 21st, she was killed in a car accident. On February 23rd, I called AOL to cancel her service. I wish I could have recorded the conversation for you. It was unbelievable. After explaining that my mother was killed in the accident, the rep told me that he was sorry that my mom was unhappy with the service. He then suggested lowering the number of hours per month to reduce the bill. I said "she was killed." The rep then said, "I understand what you are saying, I'm just trying to come up with a solution." He actually got snippy with me. AOL finally told me that my mom would have to call and cancel the service herself (even after I provided the coroner's ID number for the incident, etc.). I told them that if they could reach her that they should let me know how they did it. I told them that in the meanwhile, all credit cards, etc. were being canceled as a result of her death.

I had to go back to my mom's in April (I live in Ohio and she lived in CA). I checked the connection and sure enough - AOL hadn't canceled. I bet if I tried to connect again from her house it will still be connected."

Here's a delightful snip:

1692d. Harassment or abuse...the following conduct is a violation of this section:

(5) Causing a telephone to ring or engaging any person in telephone conversation repeatedly or continuously with intent to annoy, abuse, or harass any person at the called number

For your viewing pleasure, after the jump are seven pages of creamy Federal law goodness on debt collection. Enjoy at your own peril.

"Federal "Fair Debt Collection Practices Act" from Title 15 of the United States Code

1692c. Communication in connection with debt collection

(c) Ceasing communication

If a consumer notifies a debt collector in writing that the consumer refuses to pay a debt or that the consumer wishes the debt collector to cease further communication with the consumer, the debt collector shall not communicate further with the consumer with respect to such debt, except—

(1) to advise the consumer that the debt collector's further efforts are being terminated;

(2) to notify the consumer that the debt collector or creditor may invoke specified remedies which are ordinarily invoked by such debt collector or creditor; or

(3) where applicable, to notify the consumer that the debt collector or creditor intends to invoke a specified remedy.

1692d. Harassment or abuse

A debt collector may not engage in any conduct the natural consequence of which is to harass, oppress, or abuse any person in connection with the collection of a debt. Without limiting the general application of the foregoing, the following conduct is a violation of this section:

(1) The use or threat of use of violence or other criminal means to harm the physical person, reputation, or property of any person.

(2) The use of obscene or profane language or language the natural consequence of which is to abuse the hearer or reader.

(3) The publication of a list of consumers who allegedly refuse to pay debts, except to a consumer reporting agency or to persons meeting the requirements of diction 1681a(f) or 1681b(3) of this title.

(4) The advertisement for sale of any debt to coerce payment of the debt.

(5) Causing a telephone to ring or engaging any person in telephone conversation repeatedly or continuously with intent to annoy, abuse, or harass any person at the called number.

(6) Except as provided insection 1692b of this title, the placement of telephone calls without meaningful disclosure of the caller's identity.

1692e. False or misleading representations

A debt collector may not use any false, deceptive, or misleading representation or means in connection with the collection of any debt. Without limiting the general application of the foregoing, the following conduct is a violation of this section:

(1) The false representation or implication that the debt collector is vouched for, bonded by, or affiliated with the United States or any State, including the use of any badge, uniform, or facsimile thereof.

(2) The false representation of—

(A) the character, amount, or legal status of any debt; or

(B) any services rendered or compensation which may be lawfully received by any debt collector for the collection of a debt.

(3) The false representation or implication that any individual is an attorney or that any communication is from an attorney.

(4) The representation or implication that nonpayment of any debt will result in the arrest or imprisonment of any person or the seizure, garnishment, attachment, or sale of any property or wages of any person unless such action is lawful and the debt collector or creditor intends to take such action.

(5) The threat to take any action that cannot legally be taken or that is not intended to be taken.

(6) The false representation or implication that a sale, referral, or other transfer of any interest in a debt shall cause the consumer to—

(A) lose any claim or defense to payment of the debt; or

(B) become subject to any practice prohibited by this subchapter.

(7) The false representation or implication that the consumer committed any crime or other conduct in order to disgrace the consumer.

(8) Communicating or threatening to communicate to any person credit information which is known or which should be known to be false, including the failure to communicate that a disputed debt is disputed.

(9) The use or distribution of any written communication which simulates or is falsely represented to be a document authorized, issued, or approved by any court, official, or agency of the United States or any State, or which creates a false impression as to its source, authorization, or approval.

(10) The use of any false representation or deceptive means to collect or attempt to collect any debt or to obtain information concerning a consumer.

(11) The failure to disclose in the initial written communication with the consumer and, in addition, if the initial communication with the consumer is oral, in that initial oral communication, that the debt collector is attempting to collect a debt and that any information obtained will be used for that purpose, and the failure to disclose in subsequent communications that the communication is from a debt collector, except that this paragraph shall not apply to a formal pleading made in connection with a legal action.

(12) The false representation or implication that accounts have been turned over to innocent purchasers for value.

(13) The false representation or implication that documents are legal process.

(14) The use of any business, company, or organization name other than the true name of the debt collector's business, company, or organization.

(15) The false representation or implication that documents are not legal process forms or do not require action by the consumer.

(16) The false representation or implication that a debt collector operates or is employed by a consumer reporting agency as defined by section 1681a(f) of this title.

1692f. Unfair practices

A debt collector may not use unfair or unconscionable means to collect or attempt to collect any debt. Without limiting the general application of the foregoing, the following conduct is a violation of this section:

(1) The collection of any amount (including any interest, fee, charge, or expense incidental to the principal obligation) unless such amount is expressly authorized by the agreement creating the debt or permitted by law.

(2) The acceptance by a debt collector from any person of a check or other payment instrument postdated by more than five days unless such person is notified in writing of the debt collector's intent to deposit such check or instrument not more than ten nor less than three business days prior to such deposit.

(3) The solicitation by a debt collector of any postdated check or other postdated payment instrument for the purpose of threatening or instituting criminal prosecution.

(4) Depositing or threatening to deposit any postdated check or other postdated payment instrument prior to the date on such check or instrument.

(5) Causing charges to be made to any person for communications by concealment of the true purpose of the communication. Such charges include, but are not limited to, collect telephone calls and telegram fees.

(6) Taking or threatening to take any nonjudicial action to effect dispossession or disablement of property if—

(A) there is no present right to possession of the property claimed as collateral through an enforceable security interest;

(B) there is no present intention to take possession of the property; or

(C) the property is exempt by law from such dispossession or disablement.

(7) Communicating with a consumer regarding a debt by post card.

(8) Using any language or symbol, other than the debt collector's address, on any envelope when communicating with a consumer by use of the mails or by telegram, except that a debt collector may use his business name if such name does not indicate that he is in the debt collection business.

1692g. Validation of debts

(a) Notice of debt; contents

Within five days after the initial communication with a consumer in connection with the collection of any debt, a debt collector shall, unless the following information is contained in the initial communication or the consumer has paid the debt, send the consumer a written notice containing—

(1) the amount of the debt;

(2) the name of the creditor to whom the debt is owed;

(3) a statement that unless the consumer, within thirty days after receipt of the notice, disputes the validity of the debt, or any portion thereof, the debt will be assumed to be valid by the debt collector;

(4) a statement that if the consumer notifies the debt collector in writing within the thirty-day period that the debt, or any portion thereof, is disputed, the debt collector will obtain verification of the debt or a copy of a judgment against the consumer and a copy of such verification or judgment will be mailed to the consumer by the debt collector; and

(5) a statement that, upon the consumer's written request within the thirty-day period, the debt collector will provide the consumer with the name and address of the original creditor, if different from the current creditor.

(b) Disputed debts

If the consumer notifies the debt collector in writing within the thirty-day period described in subsection (a) of this section that the debt, or any portion thereof, is disputed, or that the consumer requests the name and address of the original creditor, the debt collector shall cease collection of the debt, or any disputed portion thereof, until the debt collector obtains verification of the debt or a copy of a judgment, or the name and address of the original creditor, and a copy of such verification or judgment, or name and address of the original creditor, is mailed to the consumer by the debt collector.

(c) Admission of liability

The failure of a consumer to dispute the validity of a debt under this section may not be construed by any court as an admission of liability by the consumer.:

Just in case you missed Saturday's day-long coverage of the zombie apocalypse on the Glocker sites (the agglomeration of vaguely tech-oriented sites on the Gawker network, containing Gizmodo, Lifehacker, Consumerist and Kotaku), here's a round-up of all the posts made on April 1st. Gizmodo became Gizombo. Lifehacker became Deathhacker. The Consumerist became The Flesh Consumerist. And Kotaku got a zombified subtitle.

The full list of Z-Day posts across all sites is after the jump:

• Gizombo: Keeping Readers Living [Gizmodo]
• Deathhacker: End of the world? Yeah, Right [Lifehacker]
• Announcement: The Flesh Consumerist [Consumerist]
• Kotaku: Making Your Last Life Count [Kotaku]
• Morning Deals Round-Up [Consumerist]
• Wal-Mart Big Boxes Serve As Zombie-Invulnerable Forts [Consumerist]
• McDonald's Can't Keep Up With Undead Demand [Consumerist]
• Companies Replace Indians With Zombie CSRs [Consumerist]
• Use Google Maps To Track Zombies In Your Area [Lifehacker]
• Ask MetaFilter Roundup [Lifehacker]
• Picking the right tool for the job [Lifehacker]
• Zombism obviating social networking services [Lifehacker]
• Geek to Die: How-To Date The Dead [Lifehacker]
• Zombie Survival Guide [Gizmodo]
• Winchester XXX-Magnum Zombie-Killing Shotgun Shells Flying Off Shelves [Gizmodo]
• Hemopurifier: Human-Powered Blood Filter [Gizmodo]
• Crowd Control: Toro Lawn Boy 10367 [Gizmodo]
• Jetlagged? Turn into a zombie [Gizmodo]
• Zombie Hand Holds Leash, Flips Bird for You [Gizmodo]
• Chomp! MDS Silver Bullet Rock Bucket [Gizmodo]
• Essentials: Snowpeak Titanium Spork [Gizmodo]
• Neptunic Bite-Proof Sharksuits [Gizmodo]
• Crowd Control: Stihl HT 100 Pole Pruner [Gizmodo]
• Miyamoto Announces Nintendo DSkin [Kotaku]
• American McGree Announced American McGee's Hansel and Gretel [Kotaku]
• WoW Alliance Dwindles As Players Transition To Undead [Kotaku]
• After Z-Day, Sony Confident There Will Be No PS3 Shortages [Kotaku]
• Will Wright's Spoor [Kotaku]

If you're wondering who to blame, Glocker Z-Day was a Consumerist joint. Joel Johnson and John Brownlee wrote almost all of the posts across the four sites. Ben Popken, of course, did nothing. Go Consumerist!

A lot of our habits have changed since the slavering undead crawled their way out of the loam three days ago. Our loved ones have transformed into insatiable ghouls insanely screaming for human flesh. The Zombie President of the United States presides in Washington, and Michael Moore is silent, his mouth full of chunks of cottage-cheese fat clawed out of his own sloppy abdomen. As Ben might have said before his girlfriend tore off his face, inserted her fingers through his eye sockets and cracked his skull in half like the top of a stuck ice cooler, it's positively gaytarded.

Society's feeding frenzy of consumerism may now be a feeding frenzy of cannibalism. The shopper zombies lumbering around your local Wal-Mart will now crack open your chest cavity and stuff handfuls of your internal organs into their slavering maws even while you hysterically scream "I don't want to die this way! Mommmmmy!" But who made them zombies to begin with? That strange Venusian satellite crashing through March 28's pre-dawn sky, throbbing with a mysterious extra-terrestrial radiation? Or America's companies, brainwashing us all into accepting sub-par customer service, brain-dead advertising campaigns? The companies who've laced our food with mind-altering preservatives, played god with the very genes of life in order to maximize profit margins? In short: the very companies who have been trying to turn us into zombies all along?

When we started The Consumerist, we said that we were consumers at heart. Likewise, we're zombies at heart. Pretty soon, we'll all be dead, and America's capitalist hegemonies will still be trying to fuck us over. Now more than ever, reanimated corpses need a strong consumer advocate, to speak for them when their mouths are too stuffed with brains and viscera to speak for themselves.

Guys, it's time to start biting back....

• The Jack LaLanne Power Juicer is on sale at Amazon for $94.50. Plug it in, plonk it upon a zombie cranium and watch as a frothy glass of cerebral juice spurts out of the patented, easy-clean funnel. Just don't drink it.

• Also on Amazon, the Zelco 14000 Multi Purpose Food Tool. Multi-use, you can plunge the phillipshead screwdriver shaft deep into a deceased love one's ear canal even as you twist the corkscrew counter-clockwise through a zombie eye. And the built-in can opener means you'll never have to bash that tin of beans with a rock again.

Highlights from Dealhack

• Save $75 on S-Mart Double-Barrelled Chainsaw at Buy.com

• Four for the price of one lead-lined coffin deal. Don't have the guys to put a bullet through the head of a loved one? Entomb them forever instead!

• The apocalypse can be lonely for the red-blooded survivor. Don't sink to dancing and romancing the dead. Avail yourself of Fleshlight.com's Blow-Out sale! Remember: some moist jelly holes are more accomodating and lifeless than others.

"Once you're actually inside, it's not so bad," commented one Wichita Falls native, firmly entrenched in his Wal-Mart fortress "When the security shutters are down, the sturdy concrete design makes the place virtually unassailable by the flesh-eating undead. There's plenty of canned goods, a great selection of periodicals, a fully-stocked phamacy, a wide-selection of televisions and radios to use to catch emergency broacasts or just to while away the pointless monotony of a post-apocalyptic life playing the Gamecube. Heck, there's even a gun department!"

"My favorite section is home and garden. I can just kick back on the patio or putter around on the fiberglass lawn. It reminds me of the days when I could kick back in the garden, crack open a beer and relax without worrying some fucking cannibal was gonna suck my bowels out of my belly button."

But while the Wal-Mart's patented Big Box design makes it impervious to zombie attacks, it also makes it a conspicuous target for America's increasing majority of roaming motorcycle gangs.

"Wal-Mart's wide selection of products and low, low prices is common knowledge to most Americans. Unfortunately, that makes us a target, and once those gangs break in, it's just an orgy of pillage, rape and murder until either the gang moves on or the zombies flood in and eat us all. Luckily, Wal-Mart's now stocking the morning-after pill to deal with the horror of raising an unintended child in today's zombie-infested world."

Even as their arches rise like two sublime and tasty golden buttocks above the worst cannibalistic feeding frenzy the world has ever known, Mickey D's just can't seem to catch a break

The last few years have been tough on McDonald's. First, it was discovered that beef tallow was added to their French Fries, outraging vegetarians. Then, miscellaneous severed human digits found their way into the hamburgers. And the last year alone has seen a litany of complaints stemming from McDonald's tendency to top their ice cream sundaes and french fries with human blood.

Bad PR in more health-conscious times, but health-consciousness is now pretty much limited to not having your bowels shoveled like ropes of taffy in between the gnashing dentures of your rabid granny. Whinging vegetarians are a decided minority compared to the increasing zombie horde. And we all remember the cheer from the audience when a jet of Morgan Spurlock's spinal fluid geysered into the air, as Oprah Winfrey ripped his head off and began feasting on the goo inside. Their critics silenced by undead armageddon, McDonald's was pegged by many fast food analysts as having a resurgence in popularity. Yet McDonald's can't seem to satisfy customer demand for human flesh.

The situation has become bad enough that several McDonald's franchises — unable to keep up with undead demand — have found themselves suddenly transformed into feeding orgies of human flesh scooped from the quivering flanks of the minimum wage staff. "Morale is low," admits one McDonald's manager. "To be fair, we're putting as much human flesh into the food as we can, but these kids can only spare so many digits."

McDonald's corporate responsibility blog was quick to shrug off responsibility. "McDonald's is committed to the happiness of its customers, whether vegetarians looking for a healthy snack or rotting corpses looking to gorge themselves upon a still-pulsing human liver," Bob Langert writes. "Unfortunately, our hands are tied, as the US Government has been slow to slacken antiquated health regulation codes that prevent us from fully meeting the needs of our patrons. Please bear with us."

Langert then goes on to mention that supply problems are not an issue at McDonald's locations in "progressive" nations like China, North Korea and Afghanistan.

But as Reader Mildred Q. Anthropophogi, a Greek/American mother of two, writes in: "I never used to eat at McDonald's, because it wasn't healthy. But frankly, health is the last of my concerns now. Also, with many fast food restaraunts flat out refusing to feed undead customers (hello? Can anyone say "Deep South?"), McDonald's seemed to be displaying a rare fit of social consciousness. But I still can't eat this crap. What's it take to get some fry cooks genitals in my McKebab anyway?"

"It just makes sense," commented Ferdinand Q. Bub, a customer service analyst over at Price Waterhouse Cooper. "Many customers would complain about negative experiences calling customer service lines. Either a soulless robot or a Sikh in Bombay adopting a Southern drawl and referring to himself as "Tex" would pick up the phone. The "human" factor was missing. But what's more "human" than calling up Overstock to complain about a fudged order, only to discover the rep who's answered your call is your long-dead grandmother, or the kid brother who died in that car crash, or the wife who died in chemo? And what's more: they appreciate your concerns!"

Indoctrinated by Pavlovian measures to satiate the zombies' unquenchable yearning for human flesh during their shifts, companies like Expedia and Overstock are increasingly becoming reliant on undead CSRs. "As when any new employee is brought on board, there's a training process," he explained, pointing out a bedraggled corpse chained to a wall, holding a phone against his head while a manager urged him to say "Hello, Aunt Alicia!" When the trainee had managed to gurgle out the phrase "Huhhhhhhhhlloooo Aunnnnnnnntttttt Allllllisshhhhhhhhhaaaaaaa," he was promptly rewarded with a bucket of bloody chum. "We also have a competitive employee rewards program," the manager beamed.

Customers aren't so thrilled. "It's kinda creepy," one Kentucky computer technician wrote, "Last week, I watched one of these things bite the face off of my ugliest kid at his birthday party. So naturally, I go to return that mp3 player I got through Overstock for him. And not only won't they accept returns, but I got to listen to some fucking zombie apologize for the inconvenience on top of it!"

But that's not going to sway companies from becoming increasingly reliant on the undead. "There's no more room in hell, so zombies aren't going anywhere. Get used to it," Bub said. "In the meantime, many companies are starting to realize the exciting potential of employing undead workers: low salaries, yet higher intelligence and efficiency than what you could hire a living American for. In the next few years, expect to see zombies ladling out your tacos and selling you stereos at Best Buy. This is the wave of the future."