Here are the things Burley says you should never say:

• You're contacting a lawyer or going to sue;
• You're going to get the CSR fired;
• You're going to bankrupt the company;
• Any sort of cursing, sexual innuendo, or bigoted language;
• You're never shopping there again;
• You're going to contact the media;
• You're going to kill the CSR or anyone else.

As for what you should say:

• "What's your name?"
• [to yourself] "Be calm."
• "We..." (act as though you and the CSR are part of a team working to solve the problem)
• "My goal is..."
• "I'm not going away."
• "Escalate."
• "Thank you."

These general guidelines are worth remembering whenever you need to launch an Executive Email Carpet Bomb as well. Check out our guidelines on how to launch your own EECB, or review our collection of posts on EECBs that have worked for other readers.

"7 Things You Should Never Say to Customer Service" [AARP]
"Seven Things You Should Always Say to Customer Service" [AARP] (Thanks to George!)
(Photo: Getty)

Emailblasting the entire executive team, using backdoor phone numbers to reach the executive customer service team, passing out complaint flyers in front of their store, making a YouTube complaint video... don't those sound a little "unfair."

Shouldn't you just take a number and stand in line? Write a letter and wait 6-8 weeks before sending a followup? Pitch a case to the Better Business Bureau? Write a letter to the local newspaper?

Those methods can work, and you should always give the company at least one shot through the established channels first, but they won't necessarily get things done quickly.

This is not to say you should be rude. If you scream, threaten, or insult, you lose. You've just given them permission to ignore you, to write you off as a kookoo. If anything, be extra-polite.

Time is money, but this isn't simply a matter of impatience. Compensation is the only thing you should be after. You want to get exactly what you paid for. Not extortion, not an apology, not for them to tuck you in at night and give you a goodnight kiss. Figure out what your hourly wage is worth, remembering that free time is worth more than on-the-clock time. If the value of the time you're spending on the issue exceeds the value of what you're seeking, give up. Take your business elsewhere. Otherwise, you're being irrational.

Businesses know that humans have a least somewhat of an economist inside them and that's why they put up hurdles when you try to get complaints resolved. You have to fax in multiple documents, you have to wait for them to call you back, you have to put a green cup on your head and spin around three times reciting the lyrics to "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General."

This is why it's so important to get your problem solved quickly, and do that, you're gonna have to play a little hardball. Learn how to do so by reading, "The Ultimate Consumerist Guide To Fighting Back."

(Photo: Getty)

THE NICE ROUTE
How To Complain
How To Write A Complaint Letter (Remember that if you can find the appropriate bodies that oversee the company's industry, CCing your complaint letter to them can help)
How To Record Customer Service Calls
How To Never Get In Trouble For Recording Customer Service Calls
How To Escalate To The Most Powerful Levels Of Customer Service

THE HARDBALL ROUTE
The Underlying Principle For Forcing An Uncaring And Adversarial Company Fix Your Problem
How To Launch An Executive Email Carpet Bomb
Unlawfully Billed? Threaten To Report Them For Mail Fraud
How To Fax A Company To Death That's Ignoring You
How To Get Your Problem Solved By Posting It To A Company's Stock Forums
How To Start An Online Campaign Against A Company To Shame Them Into Fixing Your Problem
How To Get Unscrewed By Threatening To Stand Outside The Store Passing Out Flyers About Your Experience
(several of these are based on material from Ron Burley's excellent book, "Unscrewed: The Consumer's Guide To Fighting Back," which everyone should read.)

THE LEGAL ROUTE
How To Take A Case To Small Claims Court
How To Win A Case In Small Claims Court Against A Big Company By Delivering Your Small Claims Court Papers To Their Mall Kiosk
How To Find A Lawyer

(Photo: Getty)

Me: Boy, I sound just like you guys. [Chuckle. Then state clearly:] This call may be recorded for training purposes. [Little laugh.] Maybe you could put in a good word for me?
Representative: [Laughs] Sure.
Me: [Laugh] Thanks. Anyway, here's what's going on with me today...

...He's been informed, and therefore I am within my rights to record the conversation. It's not my problem that the customer service representative might not have taken my statement seriously."

• Figure out the material benefit you're seeking. If there's none, get on with your life.
• Ask yourself if your time is really worth the material benefit you're seeking, and valuate your free time hourly wage more than your working wage.
• on't scream, threaten, or write a letter, instead...
• Go in and execute a cold, logical plan that will
• Convince the company that it will cost more to ignore you then to pay attention to you.

...one simple principle I have discovered that was extraordinarily effective in getting a fair resolution to a consumer problem: companies will act only in a manner that will benefit the bottom line. In other words, to get what you deserve, you must convince your opponent that helping you will be to his or her advantage.

(Photo: foundphotoslj)

1) Draft a good, cogent, spell-checked, grammar-checked one-page complaint letter (here's how), with your full contact information.

2) Find the fax numbers for executives. These can be found by Googling for: SEC filings, Financial documents, often found in company's investor relations section, press releases, Internal promotional events, like charity auctions and golf tournaments, sales materials, contracts, other legal documents...

Be sure to look at the roster of executive officers on the company website, and cross-reference it with the management information available for most companies under finance.google.com

You can also try calling the company switchboard and do a little social engineering to get more fax numbers, Burley says to say something like:

I'm with the firm of Hurley & Burley. I've got a balance sheet that I'm supposed to fax to Ms. Jones' office, but all I have is the district fax number, and I certainly don't want to send it there.

Hi. Ms. Ramona Jones requested a list of tee times for October. She didn't give me a fax number to send it to. Can you help me?

3) After harvesting as many executive fax numbers as you can, fax them all copies of your complaint letter, again, again, and over again, until you receive a call on your telephone. If you don't have a fax machine, you can send faxes online with a service like eFax.

4) When that happens, keep your head screwed on, and your voice even and professional. Burley says say something like, "Thank you for calling. I realize that you are a busy person, so I hope that we can come to a quick resolution of the matter."

Burley writes,

The executive may have assumed that you are a crazy person or a zealot; just show her that you are sane, that your request is reasonable, and that all you want is your acceptable goal. She will quickly do the math and realize that it is in the company's best interest—in time, effort, and energy—just to take care of you, whether or not she believes that you are right. It's called "paying you to go away.

PREVIOUSLY: How To Kick A Scammy Car Dealer In The Nuts
(Photo: Getty)