Hi,
 
I've been using TimeWarner's road runner service for a few months. The bill is for a speed of 10 mbits/sec, but their tech people confessed that their server is unable to deliver more that 8 mbits/sec in the area; marketing is stretching their capabilities by 20% !
 
They sent 12 people to my house, all but one totally incompetent.
 
Here's the story in numbers:

Advertised speed Real speed in dry weather Real speed during rain Average speed Computers tried Modems tried Cables laid out Technicians dispatched Time on the phone

10mbps 1 to 7 mbps <1 mbps 2.5 mbps 4 4 1 original + 3 new sets 12 >15 hours

Here are some of the gems coming from their tech people:
 

• Can you sign up my work sheet? My friend is waiting for me to go to lunch
• to have high speed, you need a fixed IP
• 3mbps is fast enough!
• why don't you sign up for a slower service? That way you will pay for what you have right now
• I removed the old cable, but I don't have the right drill to put the new one so I cannot finish today
• this is a free world, there are other internet providers. If we haven't managed to fix it so far, it will continue
• I see the problem, it is the splitter! (a new splitter later) I have no idea why it doesn't work
• Do you know a website to check the speed?
• it's the router causing the problem! (I show the router is not plugged in) I have to call my supervisor to see if he knows
• It doesn't rain anymore, so your internet will be fine!
• Why do you have a router if you don't use wireless?
• the wireless signal is slower, that's why it's slow (no it's not slower and I don't even use it)

"Time Warner is sorry" [Sibylle and Thomas]
(Photo: Getty)

I learned that when they say, "Your call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes," that's only partly true. They also record your calls so they can pass around recordings of the funniest ones.

The agents gave him a CD of their favorite calls, and he transcribes a few of them in his column. We like this one:

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command...

Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?

Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.

Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.

Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?

Caller: Yes, I sure do.

Agent: OK, now press Control-A.

Caller: I am, but nothing happens.

Agent: The text isn't highlighted?

Caller: No, there's no change at all.

Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A, the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening.

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?

I work for Dell as a tech support specialist, starting after the first of the year, we are going to sell you stuff when you call in for Tech support on your system. Not only are you going to be requesting for tech to trouble shoot your system, we are now going to be required to sell you items that you don't need just to make more money for Dell Inc. it's not bad enough that you spent money on a system that is not working but also have to hear a sales pitch on products that you can find else ware cheaper on web or at a local store.

Let us know if you encounter any unusual sales pitches on your next Dell tech support call!

(Thanks to Tech Support/Sales!)

So if you're stuck in Dell Hell, give the unresolved issue link a whirl. — BEN POPKEN

Data Backup Checklist
VoIP Training
Double Agent Handbook
Camcorder Training Guide
WiFi troubleshooting leave-behind
All 6 manuals (ZIP)

This is probably the best part:

THE GEEK SQUAD GUARANTEE Here's the deal. You are the customer. If it weren't for you, the Geek Squad wouldn't be in business. If, for any reason, you aren't completely satisfied with the service you've received, please call us. We'll remedy the problem, free of charge.

How well do you think they live up to that guarantee? Let us know in the comments. — BEN POPKEN

Most of the stuff is pretty basic, "check for distended capacitors," "check for dust," "Run PC Doctor," "check for viruses and spyware." The manual seems to be from 2004.

As to the concerns raised by the former Geek Squad City insider, there's definitely no section advising employees to use superglue.
The page on solving problems by formatting the hard drive and reinstalling the OS specifically warns that this is a last-resort option. So if employees are committing these computer sins, then they're not doing it by the book.

As an introductory primer on fixing your own computer, it's not bad. Good to give to your clueless parent. After all, why pay some kid working on his GRE $59 to troubleshoot your computer when you can DIY? And for more advanced problems, you may want to either have your computer manufacturer look at it (assuming it's still under warranty), or take it to your local, independent, repair shop. — BEN POPKEN

Download Geek Squad Troubleshooting Handbook (PDF)

UPDATE: A current Geek Squad employee responds to this manual, inside...

Anonymous Geek Squad insider writes:

The Geek Squad troubleshooting guide looks to be pretty out of date. I've been a CIA for the last six months, and at no time was this manual ever available to me. The precinct doesn't even have access to PC Doctor, as far as I know. The references to using STAR for all operations make it at least six months out of date (that's about the new check-in utility PHOENIX was flopped out). The blurry-ass pictures of the forms are very up to date, though (I imagine they were linked from the PDF to an external source).

Command line functions are now executed through the MRI safe mode (boots off the CD) and are fairly automated. Simple hard drive diagnostics are run at the window, now, using BARDS ( Basic Assessment and Recovery Diagnostic System) instead of powering on and hoping we don't kill it.

Only a few of the agents I worked with were comfortable with the Voltmeter.

Let's see... A recent Geek Squad directive came down forbidding us to work on 98 machines.

Virus and Spyware removal is more automated using LASER (Ludicrously Automated Simple Eradication Removal? I don't know. Geek Squad is full of tongue-in-cheek bordering on really stupidly named things), or more often now the hated hated hated outsourcing engine Agent Jonny Utah (a Point Break reference? Come on!). AJU is fire and forget deal where the computer is hooked up to BBY's intranet and remote controlled by black ops agents (I believe somewhere in India, goody). Work is double-checked by Post Op Agents working out of Minneapolis or somewhere, I believe. It works about 50/50.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which came first, the cock or the bull? Which came first, the ineptitude or the incompetence? All valid questions to ask oneself, and the universe, when calling Dell tech support.

Wes needed to replace his monitor, but tech support wanted the "Dell Express Code" written on the computer. But he didn't buy a computer, he only had the monitor. Thank you sir, they said, would you please then read the express code written on the computer?

Wes's story after the jump is just further proof why deconstructionism shouldn't just be a literary theory, but a lifestyle choice for navigating modern society...

Wes writes:

Well it all would've been alright if you hadn't broke your monitor, now wouldn't it Wes? Maybe you'll think a little harder next time before treating your toys so poorly?

Or maybe he'll just think harder next time before buying from Dell.