Northern Hopes You Don't Notice Your Shrinking Toilet Paper

Northern Hopes You Don't Notice Your Shrinking Toilet Paper

Many readers have reported the Grocery Shrink Ray strike on Northern toilet paper, but today Jack and Richard sent us photographic evidence, and even calculations of exactly how much paper consumers are losing out on.

Comfort Wipe: For When You Just Can't Wipe Yourself Anymore

Comfort Wipe: For When You Just Can't Wipe Yourself Anymore

Do you need help wiping your own behind? Do you just not like touching toilet paper, and want a plastic device to do it for you? It’s a good thing that you live in 21st-century America, because the Comfort Wipe is here to help you.

How Badass Is Your Butt-Wipe? Consumer Reports Tests Toilet Paper

The “Wet Strike” test, seen in this video, is one of the ways Consumer Reports tests toilet paper. They stretch the paper over a beaker, wet it, and then dribble lead pellets onto it from a funnel. The paper that holds the most pellets is the strongest. Neat! Results will be unveiled in the May issue.

Consumer Hero Investigates Toilet Paper "Sheet Shorting" Conspiracy

Consumer Hero Investigates Toilet Paper "Sheet Shorting" Conspiracy

Leo Hill figures that every single roll of toilet paper he’s bought since 2006 has shorted him at least one “sitting,” says the Denver Post.

Wipe Your Butt With Designer Toilet Paper By Renova

Wipe Your Butt With Designer Toilet Paper By Renova

Renova is selling the first “fashionable” toilet paper, available in four designer colors: Black, Red, Orange, and Green. Their catalog copy reads, “A voluptuous texture. Colors for an outstanding style. A warm mystery in every single olfactive moment. Soft and glamorous…A paper full of pleasure.”

Kmart Loses Toilet Paper Tax Lawsuit

Kmart Loses Toilet Paper Tax Lawsuit

Mary Bach, the woman who sued Kmart for charging tax on toilet paper, has won her lawsuit and $100. Kmart offered to settle with Bach, but she declined.

K-Mart Illegally Taxes Toilet Paper

K-Mart Illegally Taxes Toilet Paper

A Pennsylvania K-Mart levied an illegal $0.28 tax on Mary Bach’s $3.99 12-pack of Angel Soft toilet paper. Pennsylvania’s sales tax guide clearly states that toilet paper is a non-taxable item. Mary first spoke with a cashier after noticing the illegal charge. When K-Mart again charged her the tax on a second visit, she decided to sue.

Charmin Rolls Out Shorter Ultra Big Rolls

Charmin Rolls Out Shorter Ultra Big Rolls

Charmin Ultra Big Rolls have shrunk by 1 centimeter, but don’t expect the price to drop anytime soon. The discoverer of the change has an interesting take on the smaller Ultra Big rolls:

The fabulous news here, obviously, is that America’s collective butt is getting smaller, and the folks at Proctor & Gamble are merely keeping pace. They’ve narrowed the width of Charmin, the veritable Rolls Royce of Toilet Paper, purely in response to our nation’s decreasing posteriors.

Scott Toilet Paper: Wipe With Less!

Scott Toilet Paper: Wipe With Less!

We don’t know how lucky we have it.

AdRants: Haltime Flush, PETA’s Milk Gone Wild, Nail-Biting Bag

AdRants: Haltime Flush, PETA’s Milk Gone Wild, Nail-Biting Bag

Ad Rants is a wealth of good stories today, so plucking out just one would be too easy. Our first inclination tilted inevitably towards the puerile, prompted by the strange decision by Scott Toilet Paper to promote the ‘Halftime Flush.’