The News; Now in 3-D!

The News; Now in 3-D!

• Quote of the week: “Dismissing this case at the outset would sacrifice liberty for no apparent enhancement of security.” [HoustonChronicle] “Judge Refuses to Dismiss EFF’s Spying Lawsuit Against US Government”

The News; Uniquely Toxic and Loving It

The News; Uniquely Toxic and Loving It

• Apparently, Florida is at a bit of a risk for grapefruit bruising. [CT] “State Farm to hike Florida rates 53%”

The News; Unhealthy Alliances

The News; Unhealthy Alliances

• Breeze felt in the windy city. [LAT] “United Airlines to Move Head Office to Chicago From Suburb”

The News; High Interest Charged For Lending Of Ears

The News; High Interest Charged For Lending Of Ears

• Home field advantage. Shortness of breath ensues amongst the 16,000 coat-tail hopefuls, causing them to reach for their pills. [LAT] “Verdict Bolsters Merck’s Vioxx”

The News; Enron Curses All Who Penetrate Its Tomb

The News; Enron Curses All Who Penetrate Its Tomb

• Personally, we’re a slut for love. [NYT] “The Taming of the Slur”

The News; Whiskered, Stone Ground Finish

The News; Whiskered, Stone Ground Finish

• For a dollar under a hundred, you can get the trifecta of Comcast fuckover! [CT] “Comcast offers bundled service for $99 a month”

All The News That’s Fit To Self-Immolate

All The News That’s Fit To Self-Immolate

• It’s like that children’s game, would you rather have your hip disintegrate, or your jaw? [CT] “Lawyers gear up to attack Fosamax”

The News Wins a Kosher Kitchen

The News Wins a Kosher Kitchen

• Ebay prez pledges to get rid of those 95 cent items with $50 shipping costs. [Ebay]

The News; Supermarket Struck By White Lightning

The News; Supermarket Struck By White Lightning

• You know what they say about giving it away, it makes people think it’s worthless, which in this case is absolutely correct. [CT] “AOL May Offer Some Services Free”
• Glad to hear you finally escaped the cellar and got that slough cleaning job you’ve always dreamed of. [NYT] “Jobless Claims Fall Slightly”
• The sky’s price for friendliness just got $10 more expensive. [CT] “Price Of Flying Takes Skyward Turn Again”
• Globalization died last week of prostate cancer. It was 81. [NYT] “Theodore Levitt Dead”
• The one divorce that really is the kid’s fault. [LAT] “Amazon Opens Toy Store After Toys R Us Ruling”
• Albertson’s, it’s your store, Mr. Aryan Nation. [LAT] “Albertsons Sued Over Racial Discrimination” [More]

The News; Bury My Lump of Coal Under the Old Apple Tree

The News; Bury My Lump of Coal Under the Old Apple Tree

• BP oil contains black soylent green. [CT] “Jackson Leads Anti-BP March Near Refinery”

The News is Too Short to Ride

The News is Too Short to Ride

• JetBlue, Continental, ranked a mile high above competition. [LAT] “JetBlue Gets Top Ratings in Survey”

The News is Full of Sweet, Sweet, Bitter Ironies

The News is Full of Sweet, Sweet, Bitter Ironies

• Sometimes it’s best to let headlines speak for themselves. [LAT] “Hooters’ Benefit for L.A. Animal Services Is a Bust”

The News; The Devil Wears Ketchup

• Congressmen shocked and outraged to find porn on internet. [NYT] “Internet Companies Divided on Plan to Fight Pornography”

The News; The Beat My Child Porn Skipped

The News; The Beat My Child Porn Skipped

• Maybe they should bring in Snoop Dogg, too. [CT] “GM goes back to 0% plan”

The News Sexually Assualts the Senses

The News Sexually Assualts the Senses

• Minions of Cinderfella? [New Orleans City Business] “Transvestite crime gangs pester Magazine Street owners”

The News; Dance Like Nobody’s Buying

The News; Dance Like Nobody’s Buying

• The Googleplex paid him off in lifetime supply of candy, hair combings. [LAT] “Lawmaker’s Porn Suit Against Google Dropped”

The News; Clunkers & Claptrap

The News; Clunkers & Claptrap

• Now your Vonage bill will come with a boonies subsidy fee, just like grownup telcos. [NYT] “Net Phone Service Providers Are Told to Pay Subsidy Fee”

The News; Impotent Indignation

The News; Impotent Indignation

• The news is not that a data breach at VISA had a data breach that caused consumer’s debit cards to get stolen, it’s that they’re actually finally formally announcing it. “Visa Says ATM Breach May Have Exposed Data” [CT]