I just wanted to pass along a story of a truly honest customer.

The software company I work for put out a version available for download early 2007. It was a success, however for the first two months there was a small problem. As soon as you purchased it, you were able to download it BEFORE your credit card was validated. This led to the company getting burned until it was fixed.

Back in 2007 we had a customer who tried to pay for the download in Pakistan, and then paid for it with a debit card. It was the only card payment he had, and it was rejected. He had no other forms of payment, and we had to write it off as a loss while he got to enjoy using his software for free. Whatever, it was our web engineers' mistake that caused it.

In October 2008 a letter came in the mail with a check from a customer for the Download version. Obviously this raised some questions as we could not process a download order paid by check. I opened up the file with the name on it, and lo and behold, there was the guy from Pakistan who we had written off the charge for.

I called him up, and it turns out that he just moved to the US and one of the first things he did when he had gotten a checking account was to send a check to us for the full amount of the software that we had written off over a year and a half prior.

Honesty, and memory like that is hard to find these days. I wonder if coming from another country and culture had anything to do with it.

(Photo: Getty Images)

"Amazon temporarily gags Spore critics, deletes and restores all customer reviews" [ArsTechnica] (Thanks to Nathan!)

Mr. Jobs confirmed such a capability exists, but argued that Apple needs it in case it inadvertently allows a malicious program — one that stole users' personal data, for example — to be distributed to iPhones through the App Store. "Hopefully we never have to pull that lever, but we would be irresponsible not to have a lever like that to pull," he says.

What do you think—are you okay with Apple being able to directly control what apps are on your iPhone?

"IPhone Software Sales Take Off: Apple's Jobs" [The Wall Street Journal via MacWorld]

10. You can always install the product on twice as many computers as stated in the EULA. This is enforced via the backend and a grace number is allowed.

9. If you ask for a refund, Symantec will probably give it. If your order is more than 60 days old, Symantec may have to cut you a check, but odds are good Symantec will give you your money back.

8. When you get a order refunded, the product/entitlement/subscription is not disabled on the backend. You can continue to use your product as normal without any consequences.

7. We enroll you into our Automatic Renewal service on the www.symantecstore.com without giving you the chance to opt-out of enrollment during the purchase process. You have to access the link in the email we send you to disable this enrollment.

6. Customer Support in India is the best thing that has ever happened to Norton/Symantec . They take 1+ million calls a month. Prior to outsourcing, the most calls per month was less than 100k. You may hate the accent, but they do great work.

5. We know the performance of our product sucks. This has been an engineering priority for 3 continuous years, progress is being made.

4. You don't have to "upgrade" to get upgrade pricing. From the www.symantecstore.com website, select upgrade and you will pay a reduced price for the upgrade. You may be asked for prior proof of purchase, but you don't have to provide it.

3. When you upgrade from product X to Product Y, product y Does not inherit the subscription time from product X. Calling Support and asking to have the time transferred will provide you with this extra time.

2. Symantec support agents will do whatever it takes to make you happy. This includes giving away free things. We can give free shipping, eliminate processing fees and do price matching as needed. Just ask for it.

1. With the right search engine, you can find coupon codes to buy Symantec software for free. The store website has coupon codes, every company needs codes to test with, some are easily guessable.

BONUS: Here's the Complete Norton Symantec Executive Contact List

"H&R Block apologizes for gays' tax snafus" [Gay.com] (Thanks to Sharon!)

Our reader's email:

I got in touch with the Adobe contact you forwarded, and a representative from Adobe Customer Care headquarters took over my case. Their explanation for the problem was:
"Your recent order was an Upsell, unfortunately the only qualifying product that would apply for this type of purchase is GoLive 9. With an Upgrade purchase a customer is able to upgrade from GoLive 5/6/7/8 – Version 8 is also labeled as CS2, with this information I am able to see where anyone would have thought that they would have been able to "Upgrade" from CS2 premium to Dreamweaver CS3. With all the different products and availability I can see where anyone can get confused, I know I do."
Now, I don't see how this can be, as the only two upgrade options available for purchase on the Adobe site are upgrade from Go Live 6/CS/CS2, or upgrade from Dreamweaver MX, MX 2004 or 8. Also, the screen that was giving me grief was asking me to choose which of Go Live 6/CS/CS2 I was upgrading from...
But anyway, they issued me a new serial number (via email) which allowed me to bypass the upgrade screen altogether, and activate the product properly. So I now have a working copy of the software I paid for, and I have thanked the representative for resolving the issue.
As a matter of record, I noticed in the comments to the story you ran that some people had mentioned that the Help menu on Adobe products rarely displays the full serial number. Although I forgot to mention it specifically in my original notes to the Consumerist, I had worked that out at some point, and gone back to my original disks for the full serial number. That hadn't worked either.

A good tactic for discouraging people from illegally downloading your expensive software is to make sure that those who want to pay money for it are able to. Good work, Adobe.

PREVIOUSLY: Adobe: "It Would Have Been A Pleasure To Assist You With This Issue. [Unfortunately, We're Totally Incompetent.]"

Our reader writes:

About three weeks ago now, I went to Adobe.com to buy a copy of Dreamweaver CS3 online, as I couldn't find one locally. As I have Adobe CS2 Premium, I qualified to buy the version that is the upgrade from GoLive to Dreamweaver. So I find this version on their store, add to cart, and buy it.

Problem #1 - While most other versions of Dreamweaver are available as downloads, this one, inexplicably, is not. I'm told it will be shipped in about a week. As I had a trial version of Dreamweaver CS3 installed already, I contacted their live chat system and asked if the serial number could be sent via email or something in advance, so I could get to work. No can do.

I wait - and a week later, the box arrives. I tried the serial number received on the trial version at first. Problem #2 - It cannot find my Adobe CS2 (to verify I qualify for upgrade) even though that had been installed in the standard, default directory. So it asks me to enter the Dreamweaver CS3 serial number, then pick what version I'm upgrading from, and enter the GoLive serial number.

Problem #3 - It tells me the serial number I'm putting in does not match the product I'm upgrading from. This in spite of the fact I copied and pasted it directly from Go Live's help menu, and also tried typing it in manually several times. (The only thing I can figure, in retrospect, is that since my choices were upgrading from GoLive 6.0, GoLive CS, or GoLive CS2, the fact that I have CS2 Premium was the issue). I tried uninstalling the trial and installing fresh from the CD, but got the same issue.

I surf over to Adobe's customer support portal, which promises an answer in one business day. I have to register first, of course (grr), but I submit a ticket with all the appropriate information first thing on a Thursday morning.

The following *Tuesday* (six calendar days, four business days later), I get this gem (emphasis added):

Hello ________,

Thank you for contacting Adobe Customer Service.

Due to the Support Portal being closed on weekends [?!], we were unable to
respond to your e-mail. We sincerely regret any inconvenience this may
have caused and appreciate your patience.

________, I understand that you purchased the upgrade version of
Dreamweaver CS3 (serial number). As you already had the
trial version of CS3 installed, you took the serial number from the box
that arrived and put it in. It accepted that, but then asked you to
verify that you was eligible to upgrade. You went to your copy of GoLive
CS2, and copied the Serial Number directly out of Help>System Info and
pasted that in to the CS3 dialogue, but it is telling you that the
GoLive CS2 number does not match what you have selected. You tried
selecting Go Live 6.0, GoLive CS and GoLive CS2 and it does not allow
you to proceed under any circumstances.

I understand your concern with this issue and apologize for the
inconvenience caused.

It would have been a pleasure to assist you with this issue. In this
regard, I would request you to contact Adobe Customer Service phone
support at 1 (800) 833-6687 from 6:00am to 8:00pm, PT, 7 days a week.
This is not an issue that can be resolved through this portal and they
are best equipped to handle such issues. They will provide you step by
step assistance through this issue..."

Problem #4: It's taken their customer service portal nearly a week to tell me ... they can't provide any customer service.

I grit my teeth and call the 1800 number. I called at 11:45 EST, and after the first five minutes, put the phone on hands free, so I could at least work while I listen to the dreadful hold music. I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And at precisely 1:07 EST... I was ... disconnected.

As I've had this happen after lengthy hold times with other companies, I suspect this some sort of slate-clearing standard procedure.

I write into the portal, politely, but firmly, to complain about this, and request that one of their reps call ME instead. I suggested that since I'd been waiting a week's shipping time, six days "customer service portal" time, and an hour and 20 minutes hold time to get what should have been a straightforward purchase, that they had a deadline of the following Monday to get it sorted.

I get:

"Hello _______,

Thank you for contacting Adobe Customer Service.

_______, thank you for your reply.

I understand your concern with this issue and apologize for the
inconvenience caused.

It would have been a pleasure to assist you with this issue. In this
regard, I would request you to contact Adobe Customer Service phone
support at 1 (800) 833-6687 from 6:00am to 8:00pm, PT, 7 days a week.
This is not an issue that can be resolved through this portal and they
are best equipped to handle such issues. They will provide you step by
step assistance through this issue..."

So here I am. Please warn your readers (again) to stay away from Adobe; meanwhile, I'm off to issue a chargeback request to my credit card company, and to shop for something else.

We've written about Adobe not being able to actually sell its software before. Twice. These stories are only a fraction of the complaints we get about Adobe. Adobe, if you wonder why your software is so popular on bittorrent, here's one reason: Even the people who want to buy it can't get it from you. Here are some email addresses for Adobe's executives, hopefully they can help: rburgess@adobe.com, cboesenberg@adobe.com, selop@adobe.com, igiffen@adobe.com, sgomo@adobe.com, harris@adobe.com, dlucas@adobe.com, bnelson@adobe.com, snakama@adobe.com, efoley@adobe.com, ushike@adobe.com, mrozen@adobe.com, sofferma@adobe.com.

(Photo: Getty)

Dear Adobe,

I am writing to you today because the normal customer service channels have failed me, and I believe that this issue is a systemic problem in your ordering system, and perhaps may be the reason why recent reports state that 60% of Adobe products are pirated...because Adobe cannot ship products to paying customers!

On April 14, 2008, I ordered 3 copies of Adobe CS3, (2 copies of Design Premium Upgrade and 1 copy of Production Premium, Full Installation, as well as 2 manuals), using the Adobe Online store. At the time I placed the order, I was advised that the order should arrive around April 21, 2008. April 21 came and went with still no software, so I submitted a question to the online Customer Service Portal. Unfortunately the folks there were of no help as the only thing they could tell me was that I had not received my order because it had not yet been shipped (duh!). They were unable to tell me why my order had not shipped, or when it might ship, only that it had not shipped.

I next tried your customer service phone number, and while each of the representatives was able to see my order, they were unable to determine why the order had not been shipped. Several suggested that I cancel the current order and try again in the hopes that it would fix the problem, although no one could identify what the problem actually was, so in theory resubmitting an order would land me in the same spot, waiting for two more weeks with no software.

Last night I spoke with a customer service representative named Jason who said that I was responsible for the problem because I ordered from the Adobe Online store, and that those orders are not tracked by a sales person. I don't need the order to be tracked, I just want the software that I ordered to be sent to me. If your online system doesn't work, why do you have it? He said that he would call me back this morning after he did some more digging into the problem, but it is now after 4 pm, and I have not yet received a return phone call. (Incidentally I just called again to give your folks one more chance, but still, they could give me no assurances that I was any closer to getting my software than I was 2 weeks ago.)

The reason for writing this letter is simple, I would like you to ship my order to me immediately and as there have been issues on Adobe's end that have delayed receipt of the software for almost a week and a half. In addition, I would kindly request that you send the order to me overnight at no additional charge. In exchange, feel free to charge my credit card the $2679.95 that you are due. Should you have any questions, or need any further information, please feel free to contact me via E-mail or at the number below.

Amy

(photo:Jenna Belle)

Edward writes:

You may find it difficult to believe that a software giant like Adobe Systems has a customer service department that has no authority to actually correct Adobe's mistakes, but they do.

I PRE-ORDERED, Photoshop Elements 6 for Mac in early January of this year. It was scheduled to begin shipping on March 15th. I found a Nikon product which was so good I decided to purchase it and then tried to cancel my pre-order for the Adobe software. Their web site did not show a way to do this, it only spoke of returns for already delivered merchandise. When I called their customer service in the middle of February they said that their computer screens showed no way to cancel a pre-order as all they could do is authorize returns and that required a serial number from the actual product received. They said I could wait for the product to be released then send it back to them for a refund stating I did not want it. Mind you this was after explaining to a person who spoke fairly broken English the concept of a Pre-order as opposed to merchandise that actually shipped when it was ordered.

This seemed a ridiculous policy, so off went a letter to their headquarters stating that I wanted to cancel this pre-order and felt it was a poor business design NOT to be able to cancel items which are not yet available for sale/delivery online or through CS. No response, but March 15th passed and my credit card did not show a charge. Then on March 26th they shipped the unwanted Photoshop Elements 6 for Mac which was received on April 1st, and charged my card for it. Called their Customer Service department and they apologized for this as their corporate office had indeed made a decision on my letter and informed whomever actually handles their shipments NOT to ship me this item when it was released a month later. That quite apparently DID show up on their computer system. The representative was very apologetic for their error and clearly said it was their mistake and that I would get a refund. I was directed to destroy the software disk and Fax their downloadable "certificate of software destruction" then a refund would be issued within two weeks. I actually destroyed the software as instructed and Faxed in the affidavit as instructed.

Today I received an email from Adobe systems saying my request for a refund was denied as it exceeded their 30 day money back trial guarantee (mind you it was not delivered until April 1st). I again called their customer service department and they basically said they had no control over refunds/returns and again apologized for their error. The Indian CR said he would forward my circumstances for review but id not say by who. At first he said I should get a refund after that but then admitted that he/they have no control or direct contact with the department which actually issues refunds/makes refund decisions (surprise surprise surprise). He then apologized for previous representative instructions which caused me to destroy my software and for not getting a refund for doing so as instructed.

Dealing with Adobe is an exercise in international futility and an education in todays corporate reality for customer service. Possibly I would have done better just asking for their CS department to face east and pray with me for enlightenment

I am filing a better business bureau complaint as well as a claim with my credit card company. Actually I doubt that the BBB will have any impact as am sure that Adobe must be very active in that agency in their home town.

Just wanted to vent and show how Adobe's contracting out the customer relations/support/and billing department to India makes life very very difficult for their customers. There is virtually no way to speak with anyone with the power to actually make decisions when problems arise. What the reps say things like, "I will get a refund as it was their mistake" or "I must destroy the software then send in the downloadable form and a refund will be issued within two weeks" those statement carry no real weight and they do not seem to be bound by their statements.

Weird, and this experience totally surprised me.

(Photo: FHKE)

I wanted to upgrade my Adobe Creative Suite 2 to CS3, and switch from Windows to Mac. I was afraid it would be complicated, but the sales rep, Jim, knew exactly what he was doing. He found the right order code to get me a double-upgrade (I also own Macromedia Studio), and he explained the complete process we'd follow. He'd overnight the Windows CS3 at no charge, and when I received it, I should e-mail back a Letter of Destruction (LOD), so they could crossgrade me to the Mac CS3. He showed me where to download the LOD, so I could fill it out in advance. He was a delight.

When I got the package, I e-mailed the LOD to Adobe, and got a form letter back from "JD" acknowledging it. Great! But three days later, I got another letter from "Edgar P": "In order to finish processing your letter, please provide a Letter of Software Destruction"...

The rest is a sad story. There are no shocking, egregious, offensive acts by Adobe; nobody was locked in a fitness center overnight, or arrested, or cheated, or lied to. Adobe merely failed. They had forty individual opportunities to delight a customer. Forty opportunities to provide basic, expected service. Or, at the very least, forty opportunities to consider their own enlightened self-interest as a business, and examine their own deficiencies. They showed no interest in doing any of that.

Instead, Adobe failed. Forty times in a row. At every level from the front-line representative to the self-proclaimed manager of North American customer care.

Hi! Thanks for posting it. The update:

1. I have re-annotated the list, made a few more calls, and it's now 59 ways. Adobe makes "Yours is a very bad hotel" look like a model for success.

2. Their corporate web site has an entire section called "Customer Engagement: Today's Business Mandate", in which their executives write at length about:
a. How Adobe "creates engaging experiences"
b. How Adobe "builds engaging content"
c. How Adobe builds tools that enable Adobe's customers to engage with *their* customers

See anything missing? Sad, but true: There is no mention of Adobe actually engaging with customers. It's all very "Put on a sweater, I'm cold", very Larry Craig, very Eliot Spitzer.

3. I finally got a call from Stephanie, in customer service, who actually has both a last name *and* a phone extension. Turns out that Dawn did ship me the Mac version... to my fourth-most-recent address. (Keep in mind that Jim, the front-line sales rep, managed to ship the Windows version to my current residence.) Someone out there just got a free Master Collection.

4. Stephanie has shipped another copy - to me, this time - which I should receive on Tuesday.

The updated list below:

—-—

1. [We got your letter! Please send it.]
Although I sent a Letter of Destruction, and received an acknowledgement of that LoD from Adobe, Adobe's database didn't think I had sent an LoD. So I called, and

2. ["Que?"]
I got a rep who barely spoke English, whose name I didn't catch, who

3. ["One definition of insanity..."]
told me that I should just send the LoD again. When I pointed out that this didn't work so well the first time, he

4. [Somebody Else's Problem]
said he'd have to transfer me to pre-sales. Only then he asked what product, and I told him CS3, and he said with surprise

5. [I may have been mistaken]
"Oh! Wait, we handle that here! What's your customer number?" So I told him, and

6. [Somebody Else's Problem]
he said "Oh, yes, we have to transfer you to pre-sales, as I said." So

7. [He may have been mistaken]
he did, where I got a woman named "Kareen" [?] who said that, of course, he shouldn't have transferred me. So she transferred me back, but

8. [Telephones are complicated]
my call went into the abyss, and after a few minutes of silence I hung up. I called back, and, and got "Ali", who

9. [One definition of insanity...]
again tried to just talk me into sending it again. Because surely that'd help. When I pointed out, again, that this didn't work the first time, she

10. [Somebody Else's Problem]
tried to transfer me to "the department that handles that". But then she came back a few minutes later, sounding confused, and said

11. [Make something up]
"I think it would be best if you called them directly." So she gave me the number to call, 800-955-1610. Which of course

12. [Remember fax machines?]
is a very loud fax number. That smarted a little. Fed up, I called back, and got "Christopher", whose

13. ["Que?"]
name clearly wasn't Christopher. He told me the number for "executive customer service" is 800-866-8006, which

14. [Make something up]
is really just the automated switchboard. I tried dialing-by-name, and Bruce Chizen was listed, but he's not CEO anymore. And your new CEO, Shantanu Narayen, is

15. [Engage, but without talking]
not in the phone directory. I looked on the web site for an executive in charge of customer service, but

16. [Designed by committee]
you don't even have one. Resigned, I pressed 0 for the operator, and got Veronica. I asked for the number to executive customer service, but she said

17. [It's policy. You understand.]
she can't give that out - "it's an internal line". She could transfer me, though, so she did, and then

18. [Telephones are complicated]
after four minutes of silence, I again gave up and hung up. I called back and got "Ash-a-lee", who

19. [Your call is important to us]
put me on hold as soon as she answered the phone, without giving her name first. When she came back, I asked for executive customer service, and she

20. [I do not think it means what you think it means]
transferred me to the main customer service phone tree. I hung up and called back, and got Ash-a-lee again. Instead of just transferring me, she

21. [I heard what you asked for; let me tell you what you want]
asked for my customer number. Then, instead of transferring me, she

22. [I heard what you asked for; let me tell you what you want]
asked me what product I was having trouble with. So I told her I had trouble with the customer service staff and the operator. She put me on hold and... I was now talking to Dawn, who says she's a manager in customer care. I gave her the info, and she logged into the computer

23. [Computers are complicated]
for the next ten minutes, because she

24. [Mostly I just golf]
"hadn't used this part of it in a while." Meanwhile, Dawn, how do I get back to you if we get disconnected?

25. [Telephones are complicated]
"I don't have a direct line." [She did take my phone number so she could call me.] Eventually, she dug my letter out of the inbox and re-attached it to the ticket. So how long will it take now?

26. [It's policy. You understand.]
"Up to 48 hours for the warehouse to process." Well, can't I just download it?

27. [Tell me more about this "Internet".]
"No, you'd still need a serial number." [you don't have any around? You didn't write the program that generates them?] Can't you call the warehouse?

28. ["YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER"]
"No, they don't work 24 hours a day." [It's noon in California.] OK, can you

29. [You want me to think of everything?]
at least ship it overnight? [why didn't she suggest this herself?] "Yes, I can do that. But I

30. [You can't rush perfection.]
"can't promise it'll ship today, because it's already 3 o'clock in Georgia." Fine, fine, I give up. So now let's talk about why it took me an hour to get to you where you can help me. What happened with JD, with Edgar, with Ali and Kareen and Veronica and Ash-a-lee? Why did it take me half an hour just to get to you?

31. [Tell me more about this "closing the loop".]
"I apologize." [Not "I'll look into it". Not "we're working on training"] Yes, I appreciate your apology, but don't you guys have systems in place? How do we prevent this from happening again? What went wrong?

32. [Stuff happens.]
"User error, probably". I understand; don't you have some sort of feedback loop? Does Adobe not have an executive customer service department? "Yes, and I'm in that. We have a 'very small group' that deals with these issues." OK, what's your title?

33. [I'm Ted Stryker, and I'm facing forward.]
"...like I said, manager of.. customer care and sales in North America." [I can't remember anyone, ever, when asked for their title, not rattling it off. I frankly don't think this is her title.] So

34. [Tell me more about this "closing the loop".]
isn't there someone who wants to look into why problems happened? You're in charge of all of this, right? "Yes." OK, and I have no way to contact you?

35. [Telephones are complicated / Accountability is for suckers]
"No, as I said, it's an internal line." So I can't dial your extension from that main phone directory?

36. [Telephones are complicated / Accountability is for suckers]
"No, you can only get it if you're physically inside this building." [If I can get to Bruce Chizen, I find that hard to believe.] Really? Are you considering a new phone system?

37. [Telephones are complicated / Accountability is for suckers]
"I have no idea." [I don't believe you. If you are in charge of customer care, and Shantar can't reach you from his cell phone, you're talking about that problem every single day until it's fixed.] OK, and there's no accountability? You can't give me your extension, you can't give me a last name for the operators to transfer me to?

38. [It's policy. You understand.]
"No, we have a policy, I can't give you my last name." [I have never heard of such policy at the executive level, only the call center level. I again find it hard to believe.] "But I'm the only Dawn here. But you should

39. [Accountability is for suckers]
"just ask to speak to our group; one of us will handle it." But that didn't work! It took me three tries to get to you! "Well, they've

40. [Accountability is for suckers]
"been receptionists for years, and this has

41. [There's no record of that. We don't keep records.]
"never happened before."

I gave up, resigned to hoping that the product would actually ship Monday as promised. Oh, but Dawn called back a few hours later, asking

42. [Mostly I just golf]
"Wait, I just looked at this - you're ordering the Mac version? I can't find any record of that." [I walked her through what Jim had done, and she figured it out.] "Oh, OK. Bye!"

43. [Engage, but without talking]
I know that the PR department always knows who the "fixers" are, so I left voicemail for Holly Campbell. She never called back.

44. [Engage, but without talking]
Likewise, I've been impressed with John Nack's forthrightness on his blog, so I sent him an e-mail. No response.

45. [Engage, but without talking / Accountability is for suckers / It depends on your definition of "is"]
A quick Googling revealed that plenty of Adobe employees have both phone extensions *and* last names. Dawn lied.

...time passes...

On Tuesday, when I still hadn't received the package, I called the switchboard and got "Vasty". I asked for Dawn; Vasty said

46. [Accountability is for suckers]
she had no way to transfer me to her. But she could transfer me to [some sort of call queue], and "let's see where it takes us". So

47. [Your call is important to us]
I waited ten minutes in silence before I hung up. I called back, got Lamar. This time, I asked for the "office of the CEO".

48. [I heard what you asked for; let me tell you what you want]
"Which software is this in reference to?" Adobe. "Is it a software issue?" No, it's a corporate issue. [long silence] "Hold please." So

49. [Your call is important to us]
I waited seven minutes in silence before I hung up. I called back, got "Lissette". Maybe we can get some accountability within the switchboard operators group, and work up from there. First, let me make this clear; I do not want to be placed on hold again. Now: Are Adobe operators outsourced, or are they employees?

50. ["YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER"]
"That information is not provided to us." ... OK, I'll ask slower. Are you an Adobe employee? "Yes". OK, so who's the manager of the switchboard operators?

51. ["YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER"]
"Unfortunately, we show only first and last names, not that information." ... OK, I'll ask slower. You know who your supervisor is, right? "Yes." What is their name?

52. [It's policy. You understand. / Accountability is for suckers]
"Names are considered confidential." ... OK, just transfer me to the office of the CEO. "Here's the line."

53. [Your call is important to us.]
I waited five minutes in silence before I hung up. I called back, and got Lissette again. Was I clear that I didn't want to be placed on hold? "Yes." Did I ask for the office of the CEO? "Yes." Who did you transfer me to? "Level 2 escalations." Why did you place me on hold?

54. [Telephones are complicated]
"That's how our telephones work." No, that's called a blind transfer. Your PBX, like everyone else's in the past 25 years, allows you to stay on the line until the other person answers. "My telephone doesn't have that feature." OK, just transfer me to the office of the CEO. "Here's the line."

55. [Your call is important to us.]
I waited five minutes in silence before I hung up. I called back, and got Ash-a-lee (who today is just Ashlee). I'd like to speak to someone who works in the office of the CEO, please.

56. [I heard what you asked for; let me tell you what you want]
The whole song-and-dance with customer number, what product are you calling about, I need some more information first, etc. [I didn't cooperate very well, I'm afraid.] This is not about software; this is about your corporation. Let me speak to someone who handles the CEO's schedule. I'm thinking of stopping by, and I want to make sure he's in town. "Can you hold the line?" No! Just put the phone down. "OK, one moment."

57. [Your call is important to us.]
I waited ten minutes in silence before I hung up. I called back, and got Ashlee again. Please transfer me, you know the drill. Finally, I got a real person's voicemail! Melissa something. I left a message. I admit, it was snarky. (I think I implied that a media circus was coming to town.) I'd just been poorly treated 56 times, so *I* forgive me, and that's what really counts. Anyway...

58. [Your call is important to us.]
She never called back.

59. [Shipping a box is complicated.]
Although Jim in sales (who, I repeat, is extremely competent and helpful) was able to overnight the Windows version - on Friday, for Monday - to my *current* address, Dawn somehow managed to "overnight" the Mac version - on Friday, for Tuesday, under protest - to the house I sold before I moved to the apartment before the apartment before the apartment I live in now.

60. [To be continued?]
On Thursday, I navigated the phone system myself, and left voicemail for John Loiacono. He hasn't called back, but it hasn't been very long. Yet.

See, I try to be a good guy and purchase a retail copy of Windows XP to use on my Macbook. But the stupid security sticker is covering up the last five digits of the product key, and trying to remove the security sticker tears the label. I give up.

Nice Guys Finish Last [Scott Kidder]

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Some businesses, however, aren't so easily mollified.

Three businesses that lost data during the update snafu have filed a lawsuit against Intuit and have asked a federal judge to grant the case class-action status. The firms — Create-A-Card Inc. in New York, AGSJ Inc. in California and Philanthropic Focus LLC in Florida — charged Intuit with reacting slowly to news from users of the buggy update and said that they each had lost irreplaceable data.

[Re. "no buggy updates": At least not on the user side—we know that doesn't guarantee anything...]

"Oh, don't even worry about that. These are SO easy to use, you won't need a manual! I mean, if you had bought some cheap piece of Chinese crap, we would have had to supply a manual. But the Creative players are GREAT. You won't need one."

Last week I noticed a deal on Creative Player Zen Micro's from Geeks.com on your website. In the market for a new mp3 player, I clicked the link, saw the fantastic price of $50 for a 5GB player, and proceeded to complete the transaction. A week later, it arrives. I open it excitedly only to realize that it was sent with a set of headphones and a USB cord, and nothing else. No manuals, no software. Luckily, I know how to plug an mp3 player into a USB port, and I was confident that I'd found the power switch, so I gave it a go. Unluckily, the screen blinked for a mere moment before going off, and no amount of toggling the power switch could revive it. I left it to charge for awhile and tried again. Still no luck. I called up customer support at Geeks.com and this is where the craziness comes in - first, the representative helps me get the thing to turn on. Brilliant! I then inquire as to why I was not given any manuals or software. Here is the response, as close to word-for-word as I can recall:

"Oh, don't even worry about that. These are SO easy to use, you won't need a manual! I mean, if you had bought some cheap piece of Chinese crap, we would have had to supply a manual. But the Creative players are GREAT. You won't need one."

I protested, saying that I'd feel more comfortable with a manual, to which he replied that I could download the manual from the Creative website. Fair enough, but what was with the wierdo comments? He also mentioned that "You might need to download some drivers, but I don't think so. No, you should be good." But, yes, I DID need to download drivers, as well as the software that allows you to organize the music on your player, as well as whatever plug-in was necessary to ensure that my computer could recognize the player was connected, etc etc. It took me around 4hrs and several trips to the Creative Support message boards to get all that straight and get the thing actually working.

So now I'm sitting pretty with my fabulous mp3 player that was mega cheap, but I have a squicky feeling inside over giving my business to a company that tells its customers, in all seriousness, that unless you buy "a piece of Chinese crap" (which I guess they are admitting they sell?), you don't need any manuals, software, or other guidance whatsoever to learn how to properly use your new toy.

(Photo: halighalie)

As several of our readers have pointed out in comments on recent Mint-related posts, the big problem with any online service is you're inviting a new player into your tightly woven web of passwords and security measures—which means you're creating a new door, however well-guarded, that can be exploited to steal your sensitive data. SmartMoney gets quotes from security experts who say the biggest risk is from having your own computer stolen, but they also admit that the more popular any online service grows, the more likely it is to be targeted by data thieves. Their advice on protecting yourself and choosing a reliable online service:

To protect yourself, install and update firewalls, antivirus software and antispyware programs frequently. Also, regularly change your passwords for both the budget program and your bank accounts, taking care to use a complex combination of letters, numbers and other characters.

To choose wisely, search blogs and personal review sites like Epinions.com to see what other users are saying about a particular finance site. Also, look for security seals from companies like HackerSafe, VeriSign and Thawte. These icons verify that certain security measures are in place to protect your information. Once you've narrowed your options, read the site's privacy and security policies carefully to see how your information is protected, and under what circumstances (if any) it will be shared.

"Budgeting Software: A Free Way to Manage Your Finances" [SmartMoney]

RELATED
Clear Checkbook
Mint
Wesabe
Yodlee
(Image: SmartMoney)

• Linux/Mac command line: echo `date` Your Text Here >> log.txt
• Excel: select a cell and press CTRL+; then SPACE then CTRL+SHIFT+;
• Metapad : F6
• Viatalk: dial *99 and the number you want to call and the VoIP will record the conversation, and email it to you, timestamped
• Send an email to yourself.

PREVIOUSLY: Easily Insert Timestamps In Notepad When Documenting Complaints

After your call is over, just open Notepad, hit F5, and it automatically enters the time and date. Then, just type in a brief summary of what you discussed with the company, save, and close. Do this every time you talk to the company. Just open up the file and add in your notes, thereby creating a useful record, if need arises.

Or, you can get a little fancier, and try this...

1) Open a new Notepad file
2) Write .LOG in uppercase as the first line
3) Hit Enter
4) Save
5) Close
6) Reopen the file and you'll find that Notepad automatically moves the cursor to the bottom of the file and inserts the time and date

Either way, you've got a quick and easy method for logging your customer service interactions.

Journaling in .txt with Notepad [Lifehacker]

The program lets you track spending, create budgets, schedule transactions, and more. It even lets you import Quicken files. It also looks nice. But pretty don't come for free, iBank runs $49.99.

If that's too rich, you can also try one of these 8 Free Personal Finance Management Programs or 6 Free Alternatives To Quicken And Money.

iBank2 [IGG Software] (Thanks to Daniel!)

Microsoft
Steve Ballmer, CEO
(425) 706-8448
steveb@microsoft.com

Oh, and apparently this one is for Mr. Bill Gates:
billg@microsoft.com

Undoubtedly, both email addresses are answered by secretaries. But would you rather your plea be answered by high-level secretaries who can walk across the office and drop sugar in their master's laps, or some guy in India with a laptop powered by a heifer's holy nipples? — BEN POPKEN

RELATED: HOW TO: Complain

6 Great Free Alternatives to Quicken & MS Money [Zen Habits]
(Photo: darkmatter)

RELATED: 8 Free Personal Finance Management Programs
Consumerist's 9-Step Beginner's Budget

The software that came bundled with my Canon Digital Rebel XT no longer works on the latest version of OS X. No problem, right? I'll just download the update from Canon. But oh ho! They've bundled all the functionality into a new application called "EOS Utility," which is now packaged with cameras newer than mine. And because it's a newer bit of software, Canon's (rather helpful) customer service people want me to pay $20 for a copy of the new software.

I understand not getting free software updates for life, but it's doubly frustrating in this case, because 1) I brought the camera in part because of the functionality promised by their software (functionality I used to have until I upgraded my Mac), and 2) it's stupid that Canon won't just let the users of their cameras download the software in the first place. Even if I had bought a camera that came with the newer "EOS Utility" software, Canon would force me to pay for a new disc if I lost or broke the original. Their rationale? According to the customer service rep: "What if someone bought a Canon from a pawn shop? Then they could have the software for free!" The horror!

I love my Rebel, but I'm extremely put out by Canon's decision to maximize every bit of profit instead of providing a person who purchased their product with the best experience possible.

We'll give our old bossman the same advice we give you: don't stop with Tier 1, escalate! Knowing Joel, he's probably already found a free copy of the new software online somewhere, but if he hasn't, anyone know where he can get it?

Either way, Canon's policy is wack. Why should it matter if Joel traded a newborn child the camera underneath the docks? Successive generations of owners shouldn't have degraded user experiences. — BEN POPKEN

After installing the program, press the side button to start recording at any point. CallRec saves the files to your SD memory card. Retrieve the files by syncing with your computer. Finally, email the results to tips@consumerist.com.

CallRec lets you adjust the sample rate if you need to conserve card space. The sound is good, too. Listen to reader Nick's call with Quicken for a sample.

CallRec is a great option for Treo owners, adding to the arsenal of methods consumers can use to record their customer service calls. — BEN POPKEN

CallRec [Official Site]

Both Quicken and MS Money sneak these "sunset" clauses in their end user license agreements, giving them carte blanche to completely disable major parts of their functionality if they feel like it. These features include online bill pay, downloading any financial information, portfolio tracking, and more. Basically, all the cool stuff.

Intuit's rationale is that Quicken '07 has more advanced features than Quicken '04 , and disabling '04 will help them roll the features out more fully.

Quicken only lets you save data in their proprietary format. Otherwise, you can only manually cut and paste 3 years worth of financials into another system, a method they advise in their help documents.

The transaction info doesn't flow through Intuit's servers. It's only between you and the institutions. Not disabling the software wouldn't incur Intuit any costs.

These types of clauses are made in bad-faith, are extortive, are not legitimate ways to recoup costs for the company, and should be illegal.

As an alternative, here are 7 Free Personal Finance Management Programs. — BEN POPKEN

RELATED:
Quicken, Quickly Retired [Washington Post]
MS Money 2004 Expired... [My Personal Finance Blog]
Intuit Pits Its Customers Against Its Partners [InfoWorld]

Don't forget to remove "Extended Download Protection" from your shopping cart before you check out. According to Gizmodo the download comes with "Deduction Pro," which is, shockingly, quite helpful with deductions. —MEGHANN MARCO

Download TaxCut Premium [via Lifehacker & Gizmodo]

For three weeks this March and April, Microsoft Corp. warns that users of its calendar programs ''should view any appointments... as suspect until they communicate with all meeting invitees.''

Wow, that's sort of jarring — is something treacherous afoot?

Actually, it's a potential problem in any software that was programmed before a 2005 law decreed that daylight-saving time would start three weeks earlier and end one week later, beginning this year. Congress decided that more early evening daylight would translate into energy savings.

Software created earlier is set to automatically advance its timekeeping by one hour on the first Sunday in April, not the second Sunday in March (that's March 11 this year).

March 11 to April 1, all meetings are suspect [Hackzine]

Like TurboTax, Tax Cut Basic asks you a series of questions to fill out your forms. The software lets you import last year's data from Turbo Tax, and features error checking, and advice for changing tax situations.

To download, H&R Block asks for a name and address and whatnot. However, there's nothing to stop you from registering as Seymour Butts of Privacy Lane.

The program touts the ease and convenience of e-filing, though that costs an additional $15.95. Better just to print them out and mail them in.

TaxCut Basic charges $24.95 to purchase the ability to file a state return. TurboTax offers a very similar free program that doesn't require a download, but state returns are $25.95.

Overall, a decent quckie tax prep software for the tax payer who just wants to get 'r done. — BEN POPKEN

TaxCut Basic [H&R Block] (Thanks to Krispfeiffer!)

So is BoingBoing, that's why they've written the Anti-EULA, and naturally, made it available in T-Shirt form:

READ CAREFULLY. By [accepting this material|accepting this payment|accepting this business-card|viewing this t-shirt|reading this sticker] you agree, on behalf of your employer, to release me from all obligations and waivers arising from any and all NON-NEGOTIATED agreements, licenses, terms-of-service, shrinkwrap, clickwrap, browsewrap, confidentiality, non-disclosure, non-compete and acceptable use policies ("BOGUS AGREEMENTS") that I have entered into with your employer, its partners, licensors, agents and assigns, in perpetuity, without prejudice to my ongoing rights and privileges. You further represent that you have the authority to release me from any BOGUS AGREEMENTS on behalf of your employer.

We've got to hand it to them. EULAs are bullshit. That, however, is one ugly-ass T-shirt.—MEGHANN MARCO

ReasonableAgreement.org

Hurrah! And after they do that, that's when we upload the Gary Forsee sex tape! — BEN POPKEN

Previously:
Open Letter To SonicWALL: We Are Not Porn
Consumerist = pr0n

Dear SonicWALL,

Recently several of our readers reported that SonicWALL has begun blocking The Consumerist www.consumerist.com as pornography. We are a consumer affairs blog, not a porn site. That multiple users, from multiple different companies, reported this within a few days of each other, indicates some change in the SonicWALL filter.

We contacted one of your reps yesterday who said the only way we could be blocked is if a sysadmin manually added us. After we reported this, one of our readers who uses SonicWALL and is a sysadmin also reported that his SonicWALL had started blocking us. He had not added us to the block list.

If there's something you can do, either add us to a whitelist or change your algorithm so if a site simply mentions the word "pornography" it doesn't get picked up as porn, that would be appreciated, by us and your customers.

Sincerely,

BEN POPKEN
EDITOR, THE CONSUMERIST
CONSUMERIST.COM

SonicWALL's contact info and the sysadmin's letter, inside..

SonicWALL Contact info:

Email here.

Khai T. Tran
Channel Account Manager
Toll Free: 888.557.6642 x 8725
T: 408.962.8725
F. 408.962.8748
Kttran@sonicwall.com

Peter Martincic
Channel Account Manager
Toll Free: 888.557.6642 x 7978
T: 408.752-7978
F. 408.962.8748
Pmartincic@sonicwall.com

SonicWALL
Corporate Offices
1143 Borregas Avenue
Sunnyvale, CA 94089-1306 USA
P +1 888.557.6642
P +1 408.745.9600
F +1 408.745.9300

Jay writes:

• Taxes: Incorporated 2006 tax rate changes.
• Scheduled Transactions: Fixed a screen redraw issue (flashing) with edited scheduled transactions.
• Backup: Fixed additional CD backup issues.
• Printing: Fixed a cash that occurred when printing reports after the PDF printer had been removed.
• Online Banking: Fixed an issue where downloaded transactions did not correctly appear in the Compare to Register screen.

— BEN POPKEN

New Quicken 2007 Update Available [Consumerism Commentary]

Cingular "said a wireless banking application it is testing would let customers of participating banks view account balances, transfer funds and pay bills on their cell phones.

Spokesman Mark Siegel said Cingular hoped to launch the application commercially in early 2007. Cingular was talking to a lot of banks, but he did not name any potential partners or disclose whether the company had any firm commitments.

"We hope a lot of banks participate," he said. "The early signs are very encouraging."

Would any of you use this? Is this a feature that you feel like you need? It's all part of a move by cell providers to push beyond talking (like with music and video downloads.) We've participated in a trial of Verizon's Vcast and while it was neato, we didn't really want to download music on our cell phone. Banking is more useful, but we have our doubts. Checking our account balance would be nice... as long as it's faster than the 18 hours it takes to check movie times on a phone.— MEGHANN MARCO

Cingular plans mobile banking service for 2007 [Reuters]

For the software to work, however, you need to install it in a company willing and able to change business practices to make customers happier.

(Thanks to Jessica!)

Unlike previous envisionings of similar concepts, Streamliner is both easy to install and eco-friendly. Simply cut out a big piece of cardboard and crayon in sections for email, internet, media and IM. Place over your computer screen. Welcome to The Internet!