From Cake Wrecks (the picture on the right is supposedly what the bride ordered):

1) The top tier still had the Springform pan under it.

2) The cake "base" is a metal sign.

3) I swear I am not making this up.

...

Now like you, I'm sure, I was highly skeptical about this being a "professional" cake. However, the e-mail came from the bride herself, and she seemed outraged enough to be telling the truth. (Yes, a replacement cake was procured at the eleventh hour.) I can only assume the icing and generic tips in the photo were purchased to try and "fix" the cake after it was picked up. In fact, Vicky C., if you're reading this, you might want to chime in on the Comments section now, just to back me up here.

[crickets chirping]

Vicky? Er, Vicky, c'mon now, this isn't funny.

Whatever the real story is, someone made this cake and that's hilarious enough all on it's own. Picturing someone trying to "fix" this cake with a ziplock bag full of green icing... Oh dear. We've got the giggles.

Oh, and if you enjoyed this alleged disaster, here's another one that's almost as bad.

I Think I've Just Been Punk'd [Cake Wrecks] (Thanks, Kerry!)

Bloomberg is reporting that the chain "will have its credit ratings cut to "default'' if it goes ahead with a plan to miss a bond payment due this week." Uno Restaurant Holdings Corp, which is based in Boston (not Chicago, ahem), and whose restaurants are located predominantly in East Coast states like New York, Pennsylvania and Massachusetts, said that they have 30 days before they default in which to figure something out.

"We are not in any imminent danger of filing for bankruptcy," Uno Chief Financial Officer Louie Psallidas told the Wall Street Journal.

When asked about the recent string of chain restaurant failures, Mr. Psallidas replied: "Those other restaurants that filed, their concepts haven't remained relevant. Ours has."

The Wall Street Journal says that Uno Chicago Grill has "moved in recent years to a more expansive menu of grilled, fried and sautéed fare, including Angus beef steaks and Bolognese pasta, and drinks such as pomegranate margaritas."

Oh well. Long live Lou Malnati's.

Uno Restaurant Chain Talks With Lenders on Payment [WSJ]

Uno Restaurant Faces `Default' Grade on Missed Coupon (Update3) [Bloomberg]

In towns as small as Bloomfield, N.M., and metropolises as large as New York, customers and city officials are starting to write letters, place phone calls, circulate petitions and otherwise plead with the coffee company to change its mind.

"Now that it's going away, we're devastated," said Kate Walker, a facilities manager for software company SunGard Financial Systems who recently learned of a store closing in New York City.

While searching for another example of someone who was devastated, we happened across a website called "Save Starbucks," and grabbed some representative highlights from the guestbook.

"hey are closing two of my favorite Starbucks in Jacksonville, FL. I am devastated! This can not happen!!! I am going to try to get others organized to fight this!"

"I'm not upset... there is one within a few blocks of each other. I try to support local business anyway !"

"who gives a flying f#@k what this yuppie created pos company does.......i hope they all shut down and never-never-never-open againnnn..."

"I am a school teacher and each morning a group of about eight of us meet up at the local starbucks which is three blocks away from our school, and I just hate to see it going out of business. What may we do to stop it?"

"You'll piss and moan about $4 gas but think nothing of paying $4 for a pint of coffee. You morons, that's $32 per gallon."

"Please use this opportunity to learn about good coffee and support your local businesses instead."

"Ummm....Who gives a rats @ss!!!!!!!"

Well, there you have it. We were able to find a few folks who don't want this particular Starbucks to close, so maybe you are out there somewhere.

If so, tell us in the comments.

Starbucks Gets Pleas Not to Close Stores [WSJ via Starbucks Gossip]
(Photo: Travelin' Librarian )

"We are looking at different options," Gary Severson, a Wal-Mart senior vice president, told MarketWatch during a store tour with media.

The Consumerist would like to take this opportunity to thank Wal-Mart for ensuring the continuing existence of this site. This is going to be fun!

Wal-Mart eyes expansion in electronics services [MarketWatch]

(Photo: Ryan McFarland )

This is strictly confidential, but all the paperwork is signed and ready to go, and XM has fully acquired Sirius Radio. Come May, there will be a substantial price increase for XM Radio, as it will, in June or so, host all the Sirius channels. It would be best to simply extend your XM plan as we will honor your current contract price per month before we begin hosting the Sirius stations.

Sprint has lost more than 60 percent of its value since June 2007. We're not like analysts or anything, but wouldn't T-Mobile have to be under a lot of pressure (or be able to get a great deal) to bother buying Sprint and its incompatible network when it might be able to sit back, do nothing, and wait as the company's few remaining customers defect? Wouldn't a CDMA-network based company make more sense? [NYT]

Here's his full email:

I have been working for ATT (Cingular, before SBC bought ATT Wireless) and starting March 11th, they are going to be doing a trial in the Southeast Market in charging customers who call in to make a payment. $5 is the charge to be exact, and they expect it to roll out nationwide by May.

I would be forwarding you the official internal memo, but they do monitor our emails with Nazi prowess...so no official email from them..

This upsets me as two fronts, as first, a customer. Why the fuck would they CHARGE their customers for taking their payments?

"So, you're telling me I have to give you MORE money for giving you my regular payment?"

"Yep"

Secondly, it upsets me as an employee. I feel this is taking advantage of our customer's trust, because even when we put it on all of their bills, and let people know, there will be tons of reps that won't let the customer know they're being charged for taking their payment.

I feel that if this gets enough word and bad press, maybe this shit ball of a company will change its mind.

We doubt they'll drop the fee, though—it sounds like a classic case of a company deciding to no longer foot the bill for what was formerly an included customer service.

Prediction: someone will introduce "live operator" surcharges in the next 24 months.

(Photo: Guillermo Esteves)

For Bank of America, an acquisition would be risky, but could generate big gains if the mortgage market were to stabilize, analysts said. The bank is a leader in retail deposits and is also a big commercial lender and credit card issuer, but it hasn't expanded as much in mortgages. "The real question is whether Bank of America is comfortable enough with credit quality of Countrywide's assets," said Kathleen Shanley, an analyst at Gimme Credit. "The potential payoff if things improve is very big for Bank of America," she added in an interview. "Countrywide is the largest mortgage franchise in the country, and it's a huge servicer. But we don't know how long the mortgage downturn will last and how bad the mortgage losses will ultimately be." Countrywide has been hit hard by surging home-loan delinquencies and foreclosures. The shares have slumped almost 90% in the past year, and earlier this week the company was forced to deny market speculation that it was close to filing for bankruptcy.

Bank of America in talks to buy Countrywide: report [MarketWatch]

I thought I would pass along a problem I ran into today. I received a couple phone calls from Chase Bank fraud department concerning 2 credit cards I have with them (Amazon Visa and Chase Freedom Card). They reported (in a separate call for each card) that both cards are suspected of being compromised and that they are being closed.

That will result in them sending me a new card and new account for each. They were not able to tell me what the breach was, but did confirm I had no fraudulent charges on either card. I thought it might be worth warning the Consumerist readers to be on the lookout for problems with their Chase Credit Cards.

(Photo:meghannmarco)

The CEO met with the board over the weekend to decide who should replace him, according to the New York Times.

Truly heinous third quarter results, too large an exposure to risky subprime investments, and reports of an "unauthorized merger approach" to rival Wachovia are thought to have lead to O'Neal's undoing.

Forbes is reporting that O'Neal stood to personally gain $250 million if Merrill Lynch was sold to Wachovia, a shady move that may have sealed his fate.

MSNBC details the rise and fall of Mr. O'Neal:

After being appointed president in 2001, Mr O'Neal pushed through a drastic restructuring of the company that saw the loss of 24,000 jobs. Many who criticised the moves at the time subsequently admitted that a shake-up was needed at the bank, which had become flabby and complacent.
But some argued he was taking the heart of "Mother Merrill" and warned that his subsequent moves to put more of the group's capital at risk would end in tears. This weekend they were claiming vindication.

One business Mr O'Neal allowed to expand rapidly was the buying and packaging of residential mortgages into securities, then sold to investors.

This business made handsome profits until this year when subprime mortgage borrowers started defaulting on payments. The value of the securities that Merrill had retained on its books plummeted and last week it admitted it had written down their value by almost $8bn. That might have been enough to end Mr O'Neal's Merrill career. But further pain is likely. Analysts estimate the continued deterioration in the market has left Merrill sitting on additional losses of more than $4bn.

Executives at rival Wall Street banks say Merrill is also likely to be faced with legal actions from clients to whom it sold securities. "The struggles they are going to go through over the next two years are going to be horrible," said one senior Wall Street figure.

Just last week we realized that we'd forgotten to water our basil plant and when we opened the window we found that it had merged with AT&T. True story.

From BusinessWeek:

The Wall Street Journal reported that the San Antonio-based telecommunications company is "contemplating a bid for one of the two major players" in satellite-TV, and "now that consolidation in the telephone industry is mostly done, AT&T appears to be getting ready to swoop in."

According to the newspaper, AT&T has been reviewing what steps would be needed and how long it would take to get government approval for such a deal. If it decides to go forward, AT&T would likely make the offer before the end of the year, seeking to get it done before the current administration is out of office, the Journal said.

Ahead of the Bell: AT&T eyeing DISH? [BusinessWeek]
(Photo:Wikipedia)

Comcast even has a system ready to go where if you exceed the limit a popup will ask you to purchase additional gigabytes, our source says. The graphical user interface is completely designed and everything, but Comcast hasn't deployed it, because they're waiting for either another ISP to do it first, or to figure out how to do it without angering their customers, whichever comes first.

CEO Brian Roberts is said to have seen a demo and given his thumbs up.

RELATED: Comcast Customer Uses "Unlimited Service" Excessively, Gets Disconnected For A Year
(Photo: cmorran123)

Former Geek Squad agent Brett Haddock, quoted in recent articles in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and the LA Daily News, reports, "I have confirmation that the direct Supervisor of the Geek Squad in the Santa Clarita store was asked to step down, but I do not have exact numbers right now as to how many employees have been terminated."

Furthermore, Haddock says that some of his fellow coworkers are none too happy with his whistleblowing. "Some employees have been terminated as a direct result of the articles," writes Haddock. "Said employees are a tid bit "miffed" with me, and the article I rode in on. I have already been sent text messages and emails from people upset with "what I did."

I'm standing up for what I believe is moral and right. I'm sorry for any legitimately innocent person that works for Best Buy whom was wrongfully terminated. It is obvious that Best Buy will seek a fall guy for the incident, so they can site it as "an isolated one" but what they do not realize is the stories that run on Consumerist.com depict a nationwide epidemic with Agents of the Geek Squad."

Hopefully, Best Buy/Geek Squad's vigor will extend to a systematic investigation of every single Geek Squad for possible breaches of customer privacy. An isolated report from a Geek Squad agent in the northeast that they had to remove their precinct's harddrives and mail them to Geek Squad headquarters to check for "privacy issues" could be signs of steps in the right direction.

PREVIOUSLY: Best Buy To Sue Geeks Who Spoke Out Against Porn Stealing?
(Photo: tellumo)

Ryan writes:

I recently changed from Best Buy to Circuit City. I figured if Circuit City isn't cheaper, I'll just bring the Best Buy ad and still get the cheaper price (plus 10%). Besides, this Circuit City is closer to my home. Anyway, a few weeks back I went in to the Hicksville Circuit City to get a couple of $9.99 CD's (as advertised by Best Buy) which were 12.99 or so at Circuit City. The cashier price matched both CD's at $9.99. I said, what about the extra 10%. She said, we stopped doing that. I said, OH, and went home. Not much to fight over anyway.

Now last week I go to a different Circuit City (Westbury, NY) and attempt to price match the Arrested Development seasons on DVD which were $14.99 at Best Buy (advertised) which beats Circuit City's $34.99 by a long shot. They matched it and the computer calculated the extra 10% without a hitch. I was happy and figured something was up at Hicksville. Lucky for me, I still needed 1 more season.

So, back to Circuit City of Hicksville the next day... I am now armed with a printout of the pricematch policy from the web. I bring the DVD up to the cashier and I know what the total cost should be after price match. It's off by the $2 or so, as expected. Why did I not get 110%? Again, "We don't do that anymore". I said, "The web site states that you do". She turns to the manager for approval. He says, yeah we have to until they take those signs down and he nods toward the big yellow pricematch sign. She manually figures out 10% on a calculator and adjusts the price.

SO, one of two things is going on. The Hicksville Circuit City hasn't been giving customers the 10% back in a long time and modified the systems to behave as such. OR, Circuit City is pulling the 10% price match policy and this store is a pilot for that (unlikely).

The Consumerist: We heard that the price match policy is about to end and that you are about to take down the big yellow price match signs. Is that accurate?
Circuit City: When they take it down, then that will be in effect, but it's still up.
TC: Are they taking it down?
CC: Um, it's still up right now.
TC: Are they taking it down?
CC: Not that I know of.

Well that clears up nothing. If Circuit City refuses to honor the "unbeatable price guarantee," immediately call corporate. If you see any stores without the big yellow price match signs, let us know at tips [at] consumerist dot com.

PREVIOUSLY: Circuit City Refuses To Honor "Unbeatable Price Guarantee" Because Competitor's Price Is Too Low
(Photo: heartburn)

Haddock wrote The Consumerist that BBY's threats posturing is, "an obvious attempt by a big corporation trying to scare the little guy. This may work to silence other agents, but it won't silence me, and they can't scare me for expressing my first amendment rights. I've done nothing but told the truth."

Hey Best Buy, guess what? The store where we got a video of your agent stealing porn? Yeah, it wasn't in Santa Clarita.

Target gets a free pass in many cases, as opposed to say, a certain blue-colored store, thanks in large part to its eye-popping ad campaigns and associations with artists and feel-good organizations, but the allegations by one disgruntled Target worker, which you should read with a hunk of salt, paint a different picture...

landlease: I work full time at Target and id like to tell their secrets
benpopken: We love secrets
landlease: I worked day time and overnight so i know what its like around the clock First, the security mostly follows black people. One manager told me they don't want a black person working in electronics, because they steal more than others...

(Photo: nycmstar )

Everyone makes fun of customers as soon as they walk away. We wear fake name tags so that when a customer DOES tell a manager that an employee was rude, nobody gets in trouble.

When we apply, we are promised 40+ hours a week. I am down to 24. And every week my manager tells me they will go up to 40. The only reason is that I'm under 40 is that then you don't get health benefits.

benpopken: What store do you work in?

landlease: I work in NY. I'm not telling where. Oh and theres a bar across the street. So on the measly half hour breaks they give you in an 8-hour shift, many people down as much as they can and return to work buzzing or drunk.

Oh, and I'm getting a surgery next month, so i begged to work 40 hours so my health insurance can activate, they said no. So I'm gonna have to pay like, full price.

Oh oh oh, one more thing before i go, the dog recalls. Apparently the people working in pets, don't give a shit, cuz they didn't remove anything....

UPDATE: And now, counterpoint from a current Target employee:

I just read the new article about Target and wanted to share my insight on the issue.

The employee said some truthful things, but some were extreme exaggerations.

1.The security mostly follows black people

a. Not true at all. I work at a very busy target, and we usually have 3 AP people on site at all times. They rarely have time to follow anyone. One usually stands at the doors, one is in plainclothes and wonders the stores looking for suspicious activity - never following unless told to do so by the third person who is usually watching the cameras.

2. Everyone makes fun of customers as soon as they walk away. We wear fake name tags so that when a customer DOES tell a manager that an employee was rude, nobody gets in trouble.

a.Several things wrong with this one

b. We sometimes make fun of customers, usually in jest to make the time fly by faster - and it's usually not about a certain individual.

c. We do wear fake name tags SOMETIMES. The majority of team members wear their real names. The executives give you a random nametag if you come to work without one.

3. When we apply, we are promised 40+ hours a week. I am down to 24. And every week my manager tells me they will go up to 40. The only reason is that I'm under 40 is that then you don't get health benefits.

a. Bull Fucking Shit.

b. When you apply, you're told that you have an opportunity to work 40+ hours. You are never scheduled over 40 hours unless you're paid overtime. There were no promises. Target has been cutting hours but if you are only working 24 hours a week suck it up and maybe learn other areas of the store. I'm trained in 8+ areas of the store and get over 30 hours per week.

c. Theres also a sheet where you can cover shifts for another employee - great way to get new hours.

4. On half hour lunch breaks:

a. Yes, this is true but it's plenty of time if you don't try to get drunk before coming back to work. Almost all of the team members at my store eat in the break room or restaurants nearby and end up waiting at the punchclock to be able to clock back in.

5. Dog Recalls

a. It was removed if there was a specific recall. Target stores were sent signs and lists of recalled food items and dates. The food was removed from the store I work at the same day.

Target does have some flaws, but this is just crazy - she was probably reprimanded for working drunk and took out her anger on here.

If they make it obvious that they're purchasing but are a little resistant to it being "too expensive" by about $100 - sales representatives can take off $100 off an order (as long as it's purchased through the standard consumer store).

Give it a shot and let us know how it went in the comments! — BEN POPKEN

(Photo: Getty)

Hi,

Here's a ridiculous laptop repair question you may enjoy for the Consumerist.

I accidentally somehow broke the LCD display on my 2-year-old IBM T43 laptop. It needs to have the display replaced, so I called IBM/Lenovo to find how much it would cost to have them replace it - since they are supposed to have such fabulous customer service, etc.

The guy I talked to on the phone told me some interesting things. First, he said the repair would cost $475. Then, he told me no, it wouldn't cost me anything because it's still under warranty (I have a 3-year warranty). Great! Then he told me, oops, sorry, the warranty doesn't cover the broken display, and it will cost $750 to repair.

I was confused. Why $750 instead of $475? I insisted on speaking to a supervisor, since this guy's English wasn't so great. The manager explained to me that yes, it really does cost more to do the repair *because the machine is under warranty*. If I waited for the warranty to expire, the repair would be cheaper.

Best of all, the supervisor then apologized to me for the confusion: he told me that the customer service reps aren't supposed to tell people about this difference in pricing, so there usually isn't this confusion. In other words, he was apologizing not for their strange pricing policy, but for admitting that this pricing scheme exists.

Pretty bizarre.

Meredith

(Photo: Kansir)

This is excellent news, because as far as we're concerned Diet Coke isn't good for anything except for making Mentos geysers. Come to think of it, Mentos aren't good for anything else either. A loading tube provides a valuable service to consumers. —MEGHANN MARCO

Slow Motion Mentos Geyser [Scattered Genius]

From The New York Times:

Professor Dawson and colleagues then placed test food slices onto salmonella-painted surfaces for varying lengths of time, and counted how many live bacteria were transferred to the food.

On surfaces that had been contaminated eight hours earlier, slices of bologna and bread left for five seconds took up from 150 to 8,000 bacteria. Left for a full minute, slices collected about 10 times more than that from the tile and carpet, though a lower number from the wood.

What do these numbers tell us about the five-second rule? Quick retrieval does mean fewer bacteria, but it's no guarantee of safety

As far as we know, that was already the rule. But hey, a slice of lunch meat saved is a slice of lunch meat earned. —MEGHANN MARCO
(Photo: ninjapoodles)

Congressman Paul Gillmor, (R-Ohio) contends that Walmart, despite assurances by the retailer that they merely want to open a credit card processing division to save some money, secretly intends to become a full scale retail banking enterprise. To support his claims Gillmor released a Walmart email in which they discuss lease terms with banks that rent space from and operate within Walmart.

From Businessweek:

"The terms reserve Wal-Mart's right to offer an array of future financial services in its stores.

The lease terms in the e-mail say Wal-Mart can offer future services including mortgages, consumer loans, home equity loans, investment and insurance products and any other type of service or product that Wal-Mart might develop.

"The only reasonable explanation of Wal-Mart's recent plan to revise its leases is that it plans to enter into full-scale banking," Gillmor said at a news conference in Washington. "This latest information is the smoking gun of Wal-Mart's dishonesty and deception."

Wal-Mart told the FDIC last year that it wants to open an "industrial loan corporation" for the sole purpose of saving money that it now pays outside banks that process millions of payments in Wal-Mart stores by credit card, debit card or electronic check.

"The Bank has made repeated public commitments that it will not branch, and its business plan includes neither lending nor retail deposit gathering," the retailer said in written testimony.

Wal-Mart blasted by congressman [BusinessWeek]
(Photo: aka Kath)

The following items will be affected: Televisions, Computers, Cameras, Camcorders, iPod/MP3 players, and Cellular phones.

The policy change, confirming rumors floated back in December, only affects merchandise bought after Feb 25. Goods previously purchased will be honored under the old "Costco Warranty."

Concurrently, Costco is extending the manufacturer's warranty on TVs and computers to two years.

The change in return policy starts in the California today and gets rolled out eastward through April 2, 2007.

Full memo, inside...

— BEN POPKEN

Previously: Costco To Make Return Policy Stricter?

I searched the transcripts of both the investor conference call yesterday with Cingular, and another today with AT&T, and neither says anything like that at all. In fact, the Street.com story is dated yesterday, and AT&T didn't even hold its call until this morning. I also talked to Cingular spokesman Mark Siegel, who said that the company has not announced any details on service plans for iPhone users yet, and won't do so until shortly before launch.

Yeah, free service? We didn't think so. —MEGHANN MARCO

Apple: Cingular To Give Away Free Service With iPhones? Don't Believe Everything You Read [Barron's]

Cramer said "AT&T is one of the most interesting stories coming out of the tech period. In its call, the company made it very clear that it's going to use Apple's iPhone to get customers from Verizon Wireless by giving away its service for a year and a half to those customers who buy the phone."

Pardon us for being skeptics, but generally that's not how cell phone companies work. Typically, as you well know, cell phone companies use discounts or rebates on phones to encourage customers to sign contracts at a specific rate plan level. For example: Sign at $39.99 for 2 years and you'll qualify for whatever phone, etc. It doesn't make any sense for AT&T to give away cell service outright to Verizon customers or anyone else. Then again, if AT&T has gone psychotic, perhaps this is a way to lure people away from Verizon. "Get an iPhone now, don't pay for service until your Verizon contract is up." That sounds insane to us.

So what did this guy really mean? We're not sure, but we think it's likely that AT&T will be introducing new bundles and discounts to go with the iPhone. Maybe they'll bundle wired service and internet with the iPhone, or perhaps there will be deep discounts in service rather than the iPhone itself, but we doubt they'll just give service away. Then again, we did not manage a hedge fund and we are not host of anything on CNBC. And AT&T is insane.—MEGHANN MARCO

The Street.com TV Recap [TheStreet]

ATM Reverse PIN Panic Code
Lead in Lipstick
Applebee's Gift Certificates
Various Target Myths
Uses for WD-40

And some new ones:

New Mercedes
Most Valuable Brand Names

Oh, Internet. —MEGHANN MARCO

From T-Mobile's Website:

As a employee of a company I cannot mention but that sells the majority of cingular phones that are sold in this country. I can tell this to you in hopes of you passing it on to all my die hard mac loving brothers. The iPhone will be available without a contract, that is if it comes to us via cingular. We will not have a product with at $$$ price tag that people are willing to outright buy on our shelves just sit on those shelves just because of "contracts". I'm not saying it won't be f&#;*ing expensive but if it comes here it will be available. If not publicly at least in practice.

What do we want to wager a contract-free Cingular phone to cost? $1600 $700? A pretty penny, but not having the hassle of dealing with Cingular's crappy network and anti-consumer policies might make up the difference.

Aside: From Cingular's CSR automated talking point system:

Q. Where can I buy the iPhone? Can I pre-order the iPhone? A. The iPhone will be available in Cingular stores, at www.cingular.com, through direct mail and direct phone offers from Cingular, as well as through Apple stores and www.apple.com. We are not taking pre-orders.

Additionally, the Cingular talking point system says the device will be sold to current at customers at the "new" customer pricing rate, but no discounts will be made.

— BEN POPKEN

According to an unsubstantiated claim made by a man alleging to be an IRS worker with a week to go on the job, his boss, a more experienced data miner who came to the IRS courtesy of Homeland Security along with some security clearance, said:

"When the US was training the Afghan people to fight the Soviets, they did something very stupid - they not only taught them how to fight a land war, but they gave them a translated copy of the CIA counter-intelligence manual. Some asshole essentially gave Al-Qaeda the CIA playbook. Ergo, Al Qaeda knows better than to use the phone or email to communicate."

Sure, but what about the Al-Qaeda inside our hearts?

Ranting, rumor and gay IRS auditors, after the jump...

Short Timer Syndrome writes:

"I have something to add to the data mining stories. You already suspected this, but I think it helps to be reminded.

I am a data miner with the IRS, so I have not been involved in any of the NSA craziness (although I did interview at the NSA once, since it was my hot-shit linguistic skills that lured me from Seattle to DC; however the w33d-smokin' stylinz' of my previous lifestyle caught up with me, my urine had seeds and stems in it, and I was denied clearance. But hey, that meant they didn't have to bother firing me because I'm gay! Ooooh eat THAT, NSA! Burn!!)

My work here catches tax fraud. I work with 'bleached' data, which is to say that I can look at data collected from an individual return without ever seeing a person's private information (besides the numbers on their tax forms, which is pretty private stuff.) But I can do my job without it - once a return is flagged, then it passes to a human in Criminal Investigations who decides whether or not to do an audit. It's not very Big Brother over here.

I was having a discussion with my boss when the NSA stories first started coming out. He's a more experienced data miner who came onto this project from a Homeland Security thing, and he's got clearance, so he's been around a bit. He reminded me that when the US was training the Afghan people to fight the Soviets, they did something very stupid - they not only taught them how to fight a land war, but they gave them a translated copy of the CIA counter-intelligence manual. Some asshole essentially gave Al-Qaeda the CIA playbook.

Ergo, Al Qaeda knows better than to use the phone or email to communicate.

It follows that there is NO VALID REASON for the NSA to gather phone data - no terrorism is going to be fought with it, unless you count (cue that scene from "Fahrenheit 9/11") people who go to peace activist groups and sit around munching on homemade cookies. The only reason for them to gather data is the one you fear - that they just want to spy on their own citizens.

Carnivore never died, either; it just got its name changed and lives on. So I'd better send this from a home address, huh! Not that it matters, I'm only on this contract another week and then it's off to grad school."

Damn, we're supposed to read critically and form independent thoughts? What's next, do they expect us to vote?

Snarkey aside, it's a damn good step-by-step vivesection of the AP article and funny to boot.

"Good Journalism" [Daring Fireball]