Consumerist: Retro

Old Cigarette Ads: Doctors, Nurses, And Rock Hudson Say It's Good For You

Chris Walters — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:20:59 EDT

Man, cigarettes were awesome in the past, if these old ads collected by Stanford University are to be believed. They calmed your nerves so you'd stop humming nervously! They soothed your throat! They made you a movie star and helped you capture animals on your big game hunt! We don't know what tobacco was made of before the mid-80s, but no wonder everyone smoked.

Or maybe it was just ridiculous advertising. Check out Stanford's full collection for more stunners like the ones below.

"Not a Cough in a Carload" [Stanford University via WeirdNewsFiles via Neatorama]

These Old Ads Remind You To Drug Children And The Elderly

Chris Walters — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 12:18:09 EDT

Sometimes gentleness is required of your toddler. Sometimes ill-tempered old folks get too agitated and threaten you with canes. That's why sometimes the best solution is a good old fashioned thorazine pill, or a barbiturate elixir. Weirdomatic has a collection of bizarre ads like these from the past. Our favorite, aside from the drug ads, is the one showing Olympian speed skater Jack Shea taking a break from his skating to enjoy the rejuvenating effects of a Camel cigarette. So that's how Phelps did it.

"Creepy Ads" [Weirdomatic via Very Short List]

Jimmy T Pitches The Commodore VIC-20

Chris Walters — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 10:23:40 EST

Did you know that before he hawked for Priceline or regaled us with the adventures of T.J. Hooker, William Shatner had another TV career? Yes, he appeared in commercials for the Commodore VIC-20: "Unlike games, it has a real computer keyboard."

"Commodore Vic-20 commercial" [YouTube via Geekend]

A photoblog celebrating the grocery stores ...

Ben Popken — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 13:01:30 EDT

A photoblog celebrating the grocery stores of yesteryear. The site's author says he would, "be happiest if supermarket evolution had ceased around 1968 or so." [Groceteria via Your Daily Awesome]

Retro Asbestos/Twin Towers Ad. The Black Irony Coughs Itself Up.

Ben Popken — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 21:18:38 EDT

One of Copyranter's readers found this disturbing old-skool ad for asbestos, featuring the former World Trade Center.

...judging by the look and type, I'd say is circa 1970s-mid80s. Copy reads: "Asbestos contains fire, cannot burn and holds up after metal and glass have melted down, giving vital time for people to escape." Also, note the tagline. [When life depends on it, you use asbestos]. The ad is from a Canadian company, Asbestos Corporation Limited. Surprised they're still operating and haven't been sued into a pile of dust.
It hits me very hard personally: my Father has asbestosis in his lungs from 37 years of pipe-fitter work for a big DuPont chemical plant. The company's plant physicians kept his condition a secret from him for many, many years.

...And now you know why corporations are awesome! — BEN POPKEN

ASBESTOS: What Can't It Not Do? [Copyranter]

QVC Ladder of Shame

Ben Popken — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 16:53:17 EDT

Here's a classic (i.e., 9 months ago) video demonstrating the ease and reach of the Telesteps 12 1/2 Aluminum Telescoping Ladder. Not recommended for consumers maladroit at landing on their feet...

Getting Misty, Old Sears ActionFigure Wishbooks

Ben Popken — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 14:07:29 EDT

Consider it Christmas in September. The Action Figure Archive has a few choice scans from the Sears Wishbooks of '79 to '87.

Oh, those Christmas surprises in robot disguises! How they tantalized the prepubescent consumer.

Though, the site begs the question: Did the Centurions ever end up stopping the evil Dr. Terror?

(Thanks to Dustin!)

Let's Kick It To The Old School

Ben Popken — Wed, 13 Sep 2006 17:14:21 EDT

Twenty-five years ago today, Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play. One year ago today in The Consumerist, uh, we didn't exist yet. BUT several months ago, we had some cool posts. To pluck your heartstrings, here's some sepia tinted Consumerist.

• June 13: Some girl's awesome flameout resignation letter to American Apparel.
• February 6: Crossing swords with Nvidia over their employ of online shills to flog their products.
• Dec 14: To deal with customers complaining about long lines at the bank, NatWest removed all the clocks.
• Dec 22: Verizon bans the use of Christmas lights in Lonaconing, Maryland.
• OMG! Remember when everyone was talking about Sony rootkits? Yeah, that NEVER got old!
• Jan 23:Victoria's Secret to Customers: "Your Breasts Are Too Large To Shop Here"

Mary Tyler Moore, Oven Sprite

Ben Popken — Tue, 11 Jul 2006 13:07:46 EDT

We might have unicorns in Wendy's commercials but in the 1950's, they had magical fairies, and Mary Tyler Moore. Before she became Mrs. Dick Van Dyke, Moore was was Happy Hotpoint, a blithe, dancing, 3-inch pixie shilling for Hotpoint appliances on The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet.

Moore was also supered over ice-cube trays and popping out of ovens, shouting "Hi! Harriet, Aren't you glad you bought a Hotpoint?"

What they must have put in those tonics and elixirs back then!

In her biography, After All, Moore recounts, "Fitting into Happy's elf costume for the next block of commercials proved to be a challenge. I was now three months pregnant and my breasts reflected that fact. I remember the pain of that neutering bra to this day (a bandeau, a sort of bra without cups). I looked a bit egg shaped, but we got away with Happy's little secret for that group of ads. The elf bit the dust afterwards, though."

(Thanks to Wade!)

Become Millionaire With Waterfall Like Tom Vu

popkin — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 19:23:40 EDT

Tom Vu knows three little words that will make you rich and put a geyser in your front lawn. But he won't give up the ghost that easily, you gotta get in your little car and drive on down to his seminar. Be sure to run over any losers you meet along the way.

comment on this post

[via Screenhead]

Boingle Bucket: 70's Toy Commercial Montage

consumerist.com — Tue, 23 May 2006 05:36:47 EDT

We saw over at Boing Boing this great montage of 70's toy commercials. Bing Bang Boing looks particularly awesome... a Rube Goldberg game made entirely of masturbatory paraphernalia. "It's down the Bingle Flinger, past the Hum Drums, up the Banglevator, through the Flicker Tickler, and into the Boingle Bucket!" Getting your balls in the Boingle Bucket is the last step before you win by reaching the 'Big O' square, we assume.

Click the video for a less arbitrarily tiny embedded version.

80's Chevy Cavalier: Live It!

popkin — Fri, 19 May 2006 11:38:14 EDT

Live today's Chevrolet with Cavalier! Plus, an interior that comforts your very soul.

Rich Little Big Crazy For Little Debbies

popkin — Tue, 02 May 2006 00:52:17 EDT

What a delicious Little Debbie commercial starring Rich Little who was famous in his day for his celebrity impersonations.

Ok, so the first is Jack Nicholson, the next is... Paul Hogan of Crocodile Dundee? We're not sure who the other celebrities are supposed to be as we were still in diapers when this ad came out...

...but the 80's hiphop freshitude certainly has a fabulosity rarely seen out of aerobics videos, which is ironic considering that it's a junk food commercial.

Get a Tacky Piece of Crap On Your Digits

popkin — Tue, 25 Apr 2006 23:31:09 EDT

Look! It's layered entirely in gold!

You know it's gotta be good when it's hawked by a pedophilic magician.

Pepsi's Nostalgic Moonwalk

popkin — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 12:33:46 EDT

Ah memories. Michael Jackson was still black and Pepsi's "New Generation" premise was accepted without ironic interpretation. No one could see the darkness falling as the prince of pop converted prepubescent youth to his soulful freak-beat. The dancing kid is apparently "Carlton" from Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Jackson is said to have forced overnight visitors to Neverland to reneact this very commercial, except the Pepsi is replaced with wine and the 80's street gear with skivvies.

The Pantsuits of Yesteryear

popkin — Fri, 31 Mar 2006 08:43:57 EST

Enjoy this fetching new James Lileks vivisection of a vintage 70's Fredricks of Hollywood catalogue. With plunging satire and swooping prose, it's sure to guide your eye where it wants to ramble: on the hard-bodied landscapes of retro libertines.

L. Ron Hubbard, In the Flesh, On a Boat

popkin — Wed, 22 Mar 2006 08:15:27 EST

We would rather see the source documentary (The Shrinking World of L. Ron Hubbard) rather than this so-so "re-edited for comedic effect" movie but it gives you a glimpse at the man who singlehandedly founded the popular money-swindling cult of Scientology. The very cult that's going to sacrifice baby TomKat to bring about the resurrection of its founder, L. Ron Hubbard.

UPDATE: The original can be seen here. (Thanks to Ryan!)

At least baby TomKat will look so cute in its little sailor suit!

The garb Hubbard sports places the video after 1967. Between 1967-70, L. Ron appointed himself "Commodore" of a fleet of Scientologist-manned vessels, roaming the Mediterranean waters. Here, he and his followers donned naval garb and formed the religious order , "Sea Org," which subsequently became the inner-circle management of Scientology.

Wikipedia sayeth:

"Consumer Reports, in August 1951 assessment of Dianetics, dryly noted "one looks in vain in Dianetics for the modesty usually associated with announcement of a medical or scientific discovery," and stated that the book had become "the basis for a new cult."

Lancer's Shirts' Machofascismo

popkin — Tue, 21 Mar 2006 11:06:25 EST

Replace Lancer s sports shirt man with a Mussolini solider and you ve got a nice campaign piece for jackboots. From 1996 issue of Playboy.

An alternate headline: Lancer s Sport Shirts: You don t dare but say, nice shirt.

Probably one of the most psychotic ads ever. "Whenever anyone says the word couture, I reach for my gun."

This gem comes from the Vintage Ads blog. Over there you can also see how Lysol won't harm "delicate tissue", a carrot man, and a google-eyed little girl who really loves her scrumptious ham.

Winston Ads Taste Good Like a Good Cigarette Commercial Should

popkin — Tue, 14 Mar 2006 16:15:12 EST

Check out this series of fantastic Winston ads.

"Thanks to a lawsuit against the tobacco industry, millions of documents, commercials and internal videos made by and for the cigarette manufacturers have been made available at the Minnesota Tobacco Document Depository," blogs Stay Free!

Smoke'em if you got'em... [Stay Free!]

Best Shop Clerks of 1965

popkin — Wed, 01 Mar 2006 17:57:08 EST

Obsessive Consumption points us to a fantastic vid by Reader's Digest presenting the very best check out gals of 1965. Note the intelligence in their eyes far greater than their menial task. Note the copies of Reader's Digest in the background. A classy effort.

Retro Auto-Complaint Letter Generator

popkin — Thu, 16 Feb 2006 15:45:50 EST

Like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Web 0.5, we stumbled across Scott Pakin s automatic complaint-letter generator which simplifies and enliven your grievance submission process, an internet relic from 1996.

Type in the offending party s name or company and the program cranks out a vague and threatening letter insinuating numerous wrongs. Wrongs so heinous that they remain nameless, to comedic effect.

The magical machine seems to remix some of the best complaint lines ever written and connect them in a linguistically sound fashion. Friends, countrymen, lend me your ears, I come to bury The Consumerist, not praise him was how one of the letters it produced for us started.

Why the letters may not resolve your issue, it may certainly be gratifying to befuddle your target into guilt and contrition.

We guess some things never change. The darn thing still works.

Scott Pakin s Automatic Complaint-Letter Generator