UPDATE: Cancel Verizon By Moving to Cambodia

UPDATE: Cancel Verizon By Moving to Cambodia

It’s raining and dreary, a perfect day for an indoor project. Like forgery. To escape our Verizon contract, we told them we’re moving to Cambodia to work in the US Embassy. The 30 days for us to send them proof of this is coming up. We know this really pissed a lot of people off when we first did this so let us explain. We were told that one way to break your cellphone contract was to tell them you’re moving to an area out their service range. Cambodia certainly fits the bill. Almost too well, it can be argued.

AOL: “You’re Fired For Doing Your Job. The Lawyers Were Listening.”

AOL: “You’re Fired For Doing Your Job. The Lawyers Were Listening.”

This site, when it all comes down to it, features the CSR as protagonist. Sometimes he’s the hero, bending company bureaucracy, flouting his own training because he feels sympathy. More often, he’s the anti-hero, speaking in circles and thwarting any attempt to get satisfaction from a customer. But it’s all about the CSR.

Calculate Your AOL Retention Bonus!

Calculate Your AOL Retention Bonus!

An exciting add-on for the World of AOL Retention game, The Bonus Calculator!

TimeWarner Dissolves AOL Retention Centers

TimeWarner Dissolves AOL Retention Centers

TimeWarner announced yesterday an AOL makeover ot make more money with less subscribers. The profit hinged on $1 billion in cost cuts mainly coming from, “the company’s extensive marketing effort to attract new customers and retain old ones,” NYT reports.

AOL Still Retaining Like A MoFugger

AOL Still Retaining Like A MoFugger

AOL may be free, but that didn’t stop them from calling up Matt W. in Chicago, begging him to come back. The rep offered Matt a “new” version of AOL called, “Security Edition.” After an initial “trial period,” Matt could continue using AOL for $9.95/month.

Further Confessions of Former AOL Retainers

Further Confessions of Former AOL Retainers

In light of today’s news that America Online’s content and services are going free, let’s glance at a polaroid of those halcyon days and Monte Carlo nights of yesteryear.

Cancel Verzion By Moving to Cambodia

Cancel Verzion By Moving to Cambodia

UPDATE: We don’t mean to say that you should actually lie to your cellphone provider and do this. In the interest of following up on advice we previously posted, which also appeared in Wired, we wanted to see if this worked. So we gave it a shot.

Quit AOL By Fax, Mail, or Phone

Quit AOL By Fax, Mail, or Phone

In all the boogaloo about AOL’s manual and call centers, we forgot some very important pieces of information.

Darker AOL Retainer Confessions

Darker AOL Retainer Confessions

Working as an AOL retainer can kill you.

AOL Don’t Wanna Talk Bout No Manual

AOL Don’t Wanna Talk Bout No Manual

CNet got AOL on the horn to talk about the AOL retention manual we uploaded, but the big triangle didn’t have much to say, except for:

Retro AOL Bashing

Retro AOL Bashing

Even before the roaring 2000′s ravaged AOL’s subscriber base like colectomy through Denny’s, the ISP was catching flack over its retention policies, as noted in an article from the golden-tinged yesteryears of 1998.

Choose Your Own AOL Sponsored Spamventure

Choose Your Own AOL Sponsored Spamventure

AOL Falls On The Sword to Save the Scabbard

AOL Falls On The Sword to Save the Scabbard

In a climax worthy of a maudlin children’s novella, AOL reportedly intends to convert its walled garden of delights into a public park, a place where everyone, regardless of race, religion, class, creed or knowledge of the many-tubed internet can gather without fear of encountering anything interesting. In other, smaller, words, the entirety of AOL’s proprietary content will be ported to AOL.com to attract visitors and ad-revenue.

Comcast is Nice, Frustrating Man

We’ve been fielding some inquiries lately from news organizations, asking our thoughts about recording customer service interactions. Will Vincent and the Sleepy Comcast guy inspire copycats? Will people try to game the system for kicks and national acclaim? Well, some guy tried to goad a Comcast rep during an intent to cancel call…

AOL Updates Retention “Offer Matrix”

AOL Updates Retention “Offer Matrix”

Another gemstone that tumbled out of the AOL retention coal mine after Vinny’s call is this update to the ominously monikered, “Offer Matrix.” That’s apparently the sequence of goodies doled out to customers to dissuade them from stopping service. Take the red prophylactic, Neo.

AOL Internal Memos, After Vinny’s Call

AOL Internal Memos, After Vinny’s Call

A disgruntled employee mailed in a triptych of AOL internal emails that followed the cancellation call heard round the world, finally launching the call’s recorder, Vincent, onto The Today Show, CNBC, CNN and even generated a comic strip, a Playboy parody video, and finally, our “Where is he now?” interview.

Be an AOL Retainer!

Be an AOL Retainer!