LA improvers The AV Club imagine what must have happened in those heady moments just before Hasbro unleashed the Oozinator upon an unsuspecting nation. One voice of reason tried to explain, "The Money Shot," but his voice was drowned in a cacophonous sploogeathon.

America will never walk without limping again.

On Tuesday, we invited all of our readers to head on over to ShopWiki and let them pay you 50 clams for an Oozinator review. Two days later and we're happy to report that the first video review of the Oozinator is already up, filmed by the very funny Avery and Phil.

Whilst defending the murky, avant garde lighting scheme of his interview with Vincent Ferrari, Ben might light to punctuate every sentence with a mention of his film school degree, but I have to say: I'm skeptical that his next Oozinator film review will be as good as this. Avery and Phil have really exhausted all possible entendres with this one.

Avery and Phil Oozinator Review [ShopWiki] (Thanks, Carlos!)

Read the Oozinator thread to see why we cream over this Super Soaker squirt gun.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-
Item Subtotal: $24.99
Shipping & Handling: $7.94

Sales Tax: $2.76

Total: $35.69

Just you wait, kiddies, we're gonna have some fun. By that, we mean hardcore, probing, undercover investigative journalism to determine how far it shoots, its volume and capacity, how well it holds up to other squirt guns, both ooze and traditional variety. Hell, we should probably try to pitch it to Consumer Reports. Covered in ooze.

Subject: RE: Request for SuperSoaker Oozinator interview.
From: [redacted]
Date: 5/23/2006 3:36 PM
To: Ben Popken

Hey Ben-

Thanks for thinking of Hasbro and the Oozinator for your story. I'm happy to send you Super Soaker press materials but unfortunately a Hasbro spokesperson is not available for comment.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Very best,
[redacted]

We wrote back, "When would a Hasbro spokesperson be available for comment?" but have not received a reply.

It may be time to purchase an Oozinator and conduct a thorough product review.

Tame questions, after the jump.

Thanks for your help, readers, by the way, though we must apologize for only using one of your suggestions. We did want to try to get approved, after all.

—-—-—-
Slimer from The Ghostbusters, the slime on Nickelodeon in the 80's, what is it about kids and slime?

What was the Oozinator's inspiration?

What is the Ooze made of? Does it have any other unique physical properties? Does the Ooze stain?

Have you received any complaints about the unique squirt gun? What were
kids' reactions like in the focus groups?

A caution for the toy reads, CAUTION: Do not aim at eyes or face. What
happens if the ooze gets in your eye?

What have sales been like and how do they compare to other Super Soaker
products at this point in their release cycle?

Will we see other ooze-orientated Super Soaker offerings?
—-—-

Maybe Hasbro read our Oozinator thread and thought better.

Our first stop is the Oozinator PR people. They are happy to forward our request to Hasbro, but they would like to see a few sample interview questions first.

Sample questions we had in mind:

• "The ads depict teenagers squirting boys who appear under 10. Is it Hasbro's intention for this product to be marketed to older males?"
• "What was the inspiration for the Oozinator? Perhaps a rare animal or something else found in nature only in special circumstances?"
• "In business, as in war, it's found that groups begin to function less efficiently if their size is greater than 150 persons. What is the maximum amount of people Hasbro recommends for a group Oozinator fight?"

Pray tell, what should we ask the Oozinators?

Previously: Oozinator thread.

Skeet Skeet, fothermucker.

http://oozinator.ytmnsfw.com/

For the uninitiated, a wikipedia entry on what a YTMND is, what to do in case of an attack, their eating habits, and how they can save your life.

Using the power of Google cache we uncovered some but many were missing like the special personal publications hidden behind the bed after our mom cleaned our room. Woe.

Thankfully, reader Tralfamador is handier at search engine manipulation and he scraped out more of the missing reviews from the sticky crevices they'd been secreted.

Read the taint, after the jump...

Here's what customers said about the Oozinator, at least until Amazon removed the reviews this week.

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"1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

= Durability = Fun = Educational = Overall
Ooz or Lose!, May 4, 2006
Reviewer: Ima Retard "Ima" (USA) - See all my reviews

I'm not sure if any one else is having this problem with their Oozinator but mine developed sores and started to flake. It also started to turn redish and became itchy to hold. I usually pump my Oozinator with much force while tightening the belt around my neck but now it just hurts to hold the Oozinator. I asked my wives if it seemed a little odd looking and they had a conserned look on there 13 year old faces. My Oozinator usually shoots out the 10 ounces of Goo its supose to, but now it sprays a vibrant red mist wich is starting to concern me. So I went to Toys-R-Us where I first discovered the Oozinator in the kids area and ask the clerk if they could check my Oozinator. I wipped it out and 3 employees vomited at the site. I never got my money back and am now righting from a prison cell. Good news is my cell-mate loves my Oozinator and I cry my self to sleep.....thank you Oozinator!?"

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amazon.com product review quotes:

I swear half of the reviews on Amazon were made to be full of innuendo. That's horrible.

"Downside- All the pumping and excitement really tuckers you out for about half an hour after you use it, but before long you're all set to give'er another go even if your tank is running low!"

"Use a microwave oven to warm the goo up before you load it into the oozinator for an even more fun time "

"if you ever run out, you can just fill it up with more! all the kids in the neighborhood will come, and play with you!"

"One of the best innovations in group fun since the sleepover. I tested this toy out with some of my best girlfriends, and they all enjoyed being splattered with ooze. The only downside is your hand gets a might tired after pumping your gun during long durations, so be sure to have a friend to help you pump it out. Once I had pretended the gun was stuck, and had my friend pump it while the nozzle was pointed at her face. She gave it a cock and was disdained to find her face covered in ooze! Some got in her mouth and she choked on it, she swallowed some but said it tasted kinda salty. I wouldn't recomment swallowing it, but it's non-toxic, so it won't kill you to try."

"This toy is outstanding. I bought one at Fascinations Adult Store. You can refill the cartridges by yourself if desired. The first batch of goo that came with it was not warm or salty, but I've since corrected that problem."

"This toy is wonderful! I love spraying all the neighborhood boys with my bio-ooze. This toy shoots for quite a distance and the tank holds quite a sticky load. We laugh and play then afterwards we go in the back and get the boys all cleaned up."

"I just love hosing down the neighborhood kids with my bio goo. Thank god this toy came around. It's so much easier to save up your bio goo rather than running around with your pants down if ya know what I mean"

"especially effective on neighborhood girls"

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-NO DATE-
My uncle who got me the Oozinator always wants me to ooze all over my own face over and over while he records it with his new handy-cam... Sometimes he likes me to hit myself in the face with it. I wish i never got this stupid oozinator now. I am confused.

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Fun with all the boys, April 30, 2006
Reviewer: Father O'Mally (Boston) - See all my reviews
This toy is wonderful! I love spraying all the neighborhood boys with my bio-ooze. This toy shoots for quite a distance and the tank holds quite a sticky load. We laugh and play then afterwards we go in the back and get the boys all cleaned up.

Was this review helpful to you?

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"4 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

= Durability = Fun = Educational = Overall
I love my GUN, May 2, 2006
Reviewer: Robert K. Lancaster - See all my reviews

I love my gun, however i have discovered a potential problem for others. My big problem is my Wife. She never lets me shoot it inside. She is always saying "take it out, take it out" I tried telling her that for some reason it just feels better to shoot it inside. She says it makes a big mess. I asked her if there is anyway to compromise on this and we came up with an awsome idea. In stead of shooting it inside she is willing to let me spray the warm good anywhere outside it want. So yesterday afternoon I tackled her to the ground and shot the warm sticky goo all over the small of her back. Gotta love the GOO! "

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" = Durability = Fun = Educational = Overall
Ooze just shoots too quickly, May 4, 2006
Reviewer: Harold Carroll (Richmond, KY) - See all my reviews

As much fun as this toy is while it lasts, it does indeed tend to shoot the ooze much quicker than I would want. It's good for me but my partners don't enjoy it. "

" = Durability = Fun = Educational = Overall

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Make sure to lock your door, May 4, 2006
A Kid's Review
My parents are strongly against playing with my oozinator alone, they want me to know a someone first and WAIT a while till I can use my oozinator. I thought this was stupid so I often lock my door and play with my oozinator alone. I also get with my buddies and friends, and we play with our oozinators together when we leave the house. And sometimes, we get on the computer or read magazines to help us learn how to shoot ooze better

Afterwards, we go around, oozing everyone in town. Everyone loves our ooze! They also like the gun, and often want to play with it too! We're nice, so we often let them ooze us, too.. BUT MAKE SURE YOUR PARENTS DON'T CATCH YOU PLAYING WITH YOUR OOZINATOR. They say it's unnatural, but we just want to have fun!"

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Previously:

• Oozinator's Origins, Revealed!
  
• The Oozinator Squirts Its Way Into Our Hearts
  
• The Oozinator Delights Children

From the Hasbro website:

Check out the original of the cartoon for full live video effect (we had to screenshot and paste two images as the last frame, sorry Graham, please don't sue us).

UPDATE: The Amazon reviews have been deleted, but no one is safe from the almighty power of the Google cache. See what spunk we dug up, after the jump [NSFW]...

So here's what we were able to retrieve from here. There's a second page of reviews that we can't access. Let us know if anyone knows how to go to a sub-page on Google cache so that sub-page is also the cached version (or otherwise access the information).

I think something may be wrong with my oozinator. As I understood it, this is a toy that can be enjoyed by a beginner. However, having tried to use it on some of the neighborhood girls yesterday, I found that it begins to pump out its ooze within a few seconds of encountering a target, well before any fun has begun! Some of them said that they still had fun playing with it, but I got a feeling that they were disappointed in mine. I spoke to my grandfather about this problem, and he said I should be thankful it shoots at all, apparently he has an older version that no longer shoots out ooze, even after extended pumpings!

We're sure you've got some innuendo-saturated mock reviews of your own to put up. Get to it, me buckos!

Oozinator Blaster Product Review Page [Amazon] (Thanks, fizzer fits!)
Previously: The Oozinator Delights Children

UPDATE: The Amazon review pages have been deleted. We've got some archived here.

Hasbro Marketing Executive, a glowing light bulb bouncing merrily above his skull: "I've got it! First, we'll design our new Supersoaker water gun with the shape and hue of a grotesque alien phallus. Then, instead of water, we'll make it squirt ropes of thick, opalescent ooze! Finally, we'll market it with a television spot in which a pan-ethnic rainbow of small children are the gleeful recipients to load after hot, sticky load shot all over their chests and faces! It's a win!"

Even the Oozinator sounds like someone's pet name for their masculinity... post venereal disease. Thanks, Joel!

UPDATE: There were some damn funny Amazon review pages of the product that have since been deleted. have been deleted. We've got a few archived here.