Top 10 Non-Mutating Cell Phones

That gigantic pulsating growth bulging out of the side of your head sure is socially awkward, isn’t it? Your fellow movie theater patrons incessantly complain about the fluorescent glow. The erratic squirting of radioactive goop has ruined many a bar mitzvah. And you certainly aren’t comfortable with what you suspect is the growth’s nascent sentience, exhibited in the hypnotically commanding undercurrent of murderous thoughts which you can hear sometimes at night.