We don’t usually report on US Consumer Product Safety recalls. The news feed reads like the cryptomaniacal ravings of the maternally paranoid. A typical recall might start “Huggles Q. Featherbottom dolls recalled after small child manages to plunge the torso-sized plush entirely up his own rectum. CEO of Huggles Q. Featherbottom, Inc. claims new dolls will feature an improved Anti-Rectum-Stuffing guard system.” Meanwhile, when royal ‘We’ at the Consumerist were growing up, our royal fathers handed us Swiss Army Knives on our eighth birthdays and then sat around with his royal hands upon royal knees, chuckling, as we cut our hands to bloody ribbons fiddling with it. Boys will be boys, after all. The USCPS are bunch of pussies.