Welcome, New York Times readers. Here’s a bit of an intro to The Consumerist, if you’re curious and want to learn more.
Captivated by the Oozinator squirt guns possibilities, mainly those involving its ability to shoot ooze, we ordered one. Here is the money shot. It fulfills all your hopes and dreams. This is but a preview of a longer ooze opus. Enjoy.
1 Oozinator Blaster $24.99 1 $24.99
Given the fact that most children’s first experience oggling the fascinating mystery of the opposing gender’s genitalia comes from pulling down a Barbie or Ken doll’s genitalia and examining the amorphous mass of plastic at the crotch, it probably shouldn’t be surprising that there’s a lot of busy-body parental groups who are willing to launch consumerist campaigns any time Barbie exhibits a glimmer of sexuality.
• Hasbro cancels plans for line of racy dolls based around ‘Pussycat Dolls,’ switches focus to My First Little Lolita rollout. [NYT]
We submitted our questions to Hasbro PR but for some strange reason we can’t fathom, they’re less than oozing out of their suits to speak with us.
We’re on a quest. We want to interview the Oozinator. We want to find out what was going on in Hasbro’s minds when they created this product and its advertising.
Cementing its status as a fully-fledged, card-carrying, dues-paying, internet meme, the infamous Oozinator has been splattered into a YTMND.
On Monday we found the innuendo splattered Amazon reviews for the SuperSoaker Oozinator (a squirt gun which shoots slime and water in a very phallic fashion) wiped clean by some unknown, possibly socked, hand.
If you’ve ever wished someone would capture your squandered youth, distill it of the nasty bits inside the whipping booth and standing in the schoolyard with your pants down, put in in a bottle and sell it you… have cheer. Hasbro is now selling eau du Play-Doh.
The Oozinator really is the toy marketing blunder that just keeps on giving. First, the priceless television spot, in which a panoply of children suppress their gag reflex as they squeegee ropes of creamy, sticky gelatin off of their faces. For some of our readers, this was likely their first introduction to the exciting world of subliminal pedophile bukkake. But while actually purchasing an Oozinator will open you up to prosecution under a number of federal child-sex statutes, people are still managing to have fun with one, as the hilarious Amazon.com product review page will attest.
Hasbro Marketing Executive, a glowing light bulb bouncing merrily above his skull: “I’ve got it! First, we’ll design our new Supersoaker water gun with the shape and hue of a grotesque alien phallus. Then, instead of water, we’ll make it squirt ropes of thick, opalescent ooze! Finally, we’ll market it with a television spot in which a pan-ethnic rainbow of small children are the gleeful recipients to load after hot, sticky load shot all over their chests and faces! It’s a win!”