"In my extensive retail career of 42 years, I have never experienced such difficult times. Tightened credit and economic uncertainty have created the perfect storm of of falling sales... We realize that we must act decisively to raise revenue in an effort to pay suppliers and secure our future."

Anderson says there's more, like promises to provide superior customer service, but we're just surprised that the retailer sent this out in the first place.

The readers at RetailWire are in the retail and/or marketing business and seem to mostly agree that it's not a good way to drum up business. But what do you think? Would you be moved by a "desperate times calls for desperate measures" letter like this?

"Dear Customer: Please Buy Something" [RetailWire] (registration required)
(Photo: feverblue)

Here's what happened:

With unemployment continuing to skyrocket, who knows when your employer will unceremoniously pull the rug out from under you ... or the whole company? When I got my mail at home today, there was a letter from Aetna, my employer's group health carrier, that carried the scary subject line "How to replace your employer's group health insurance." Huh, what? That was enough to get me to keep reading.

It only got worse. "It can be stressful when you lose the health insurance coverage provided by your employer and have to find a new plan. Aetna understands and we want to help."

Huh, WHAT!? Last I checked, I was still gainfully employed, and my 1,000-plus-employee employer was quite solvent, thank you very much. OK, so maybe it's just a poorly written marketing letter. But wait: "You've been a valued Aetna group member and we're looking forward to continuing to serve you as an Aetna Advantage individual plan member."

Individual!? By now my blood pressure is approaching the stratosphere. Is this how my employer tells people they're not needed anymore? Did my employer not pay their premiums? Is my employer planning mass layoffs and told the insurer before they told us? All these questions, and so few answers.

Step 1: I called the phone number on the letter. "Um, I'm trying to figure out why I got this letter, since I'm still covered by my employer as far as I know." The person on the other end of the phone has apparently gotten this type of call before. Your caller is in denial; don't talk to them about how they're newly unemployed and in shock, etc. Instead, just politely say that you can't talk about the caller's insurance status, but *do* remember to try to sell them that individual insurance policy that they now really, really, really need. A couple of minutes of that, and I give up.

Step 2: I start going up my management tree at work. Nobody knows anything, and I think a couple more people just got nervous.

Step 3: Right to the VP of HR at my company. They shuffle it through the HR tree and finally assure me that neither I nor the company are in trouble, and my insurance is just fine, thank you. They'll take it up with Aetna to try to find out what the blazes happened.

Step 4: Try to calm down.

So, the bottom line: Don't let your insurance company scare you by making you think you've been fired or lost your coverage. Thank you, Richard C. O'Connor, Vice President Marketing — you ruined my Friday afternoon.

Obviously, the real message got lost in “sales language” – the piece went way overboard, and I should not have allowed it. Therefore, it was my mistake, and I sincerely apologize.

We think this is excellent, except for one thing: he never addresses the "customer review" that came from his company's IP address. Hopefully, though, he's learned that it's risky to engage in bad behavior anonymously online (and since we don't know who left the comment, it's hard to blame Mike directly anyway).

Here's the full letter from Feazel Roofing:

Monday, June 16, 2008

To the administrator and readers of holyjuan.com and consumerist.com, and whomever else it concerns:

From our headquarters in Westerville, Feazel Roofing Company has been a leader in the roofing business in Greater Columbus for over 20 years. Great service to our clients has built this company, and keeping our entire team focused on that, everyday, will be one of the keys to our future growth and success.

Of course we provide full roof replacement services when necessary, but our company is very much focused on the service and maintenance of existing roof systems. We believe that this is a unique approach to this industry, because many contractors might try to recommend a more expensive roof replacement before it is necessary. However, we have found that with consistent maintenance and preventative care, a well-designed roof system can last much longer then expected.

In regards to the recent Blog post concerning the March 3rd direct mail marketing piece that you received, let me start by saying that I strongly agree with many of your opinions. I must admit, you’re not the only person which it upset, as I received a few other calls with the same concerns. The original marketing piece in question was designed by a 3rd party direct mail company. Fortunately, the letter was only sent as a test to a small group of individuals. While the language in this marketing piece was quite strong, the main message was supposed to be this, and these are quite verifiable facts: CertainTeed Corporation is the defendant in multiple class action lawsuits currently in process in 16 states (including Ohio), and further litigation pending in 8 other states and Canada. The lawsuits cover several different brand names of shingles manufactured since 1987, all of which have demonstrated premature curling, cracking, or de-granulation.

Here is a simple explanation of the CertainTeed Legal activity:

http://www.lawyersandsettlements.com/features/certainteed-shingles.html

I paid an ad agency to write the letter because I didn’t know the best way to go about educating homeowners on this issue. Obviously, the real message got lost in “sales language” – the piece went way overboard, and I should not have allowed it. Therefore, it was my mistake, and I sincerely apologize.

We do offer free preliminary estimates for all services that our company performs, including repair and replacement. However, we also charge a $179 fee for a full roof inspection. This is a more detailed and time-consuming written report, which may include pictures of any damages found, detailed measurements and multiple courses of action to remedy any concerns. We also offer this service to business partners in the Home Inspection and Real Estate industries. Our inspection pricing is very much in line with what other companies of our size charge for this service, but we always rebate the fee if any work is found during our inspection, which we do find some about half of the time.

We were offering a discounted fee of $49 for a limited time, thinking that we could perform numerous inspections in one area, saving on gas and drive time. This aspect was my idea, not the marketing company who wrote the letter.

Everything else you stated on your original Blog Post is accurate for 99% of the cases we come across with defective shingles. 100% of the CertainTeed Horizon shingles installed were defective, and are installed on thousands of homes in Central Ohio. If your shingles are defective, your home will not collapse overnight, and more often than not, water isn’t currently entering the home. However, we have had more than a handful of cases in which water has entered walls just a few years after installation, causing mold growth and other severe interior damage.

For anyone who would happen to read this who knows that they have a CertainTeed shingle installed on their home, I suggest contacting an attorney. The law firm’s website I’ve been referring homeowners to is www.halunenlaw.com but there are numerous others working on this case which can be found if you search “CertainTeed class action” in your favorite internet browser.

I would like to close by saying again that I apologize for allowing this type of “scare tactic marketing” to be sent from my company. However, I also want to state that we will continue to educate the marketplace on this issue. The shingle manufactures don’t send out a recall letter (like you might get from an auto manufacturer). Left unaddressed, problems may arise, and in some cases the problems can become catastrophic if not found in time.

Sincerely,
Mike Feazel, President
Feazel Roofing Company, Inc.

"Feazel Roofing takes the high road" [HolyJuan]

"As a result of this apparent theft, the consumers affected received marketing solicitations from the companies that bought the data," said Renz Nichols, President of Certegy Check Services in a statement released on Fidelity's website. "We have no reason to believe that the theft resulted in any subsequent fraudulent activity or financial damage to the consumer, and we are taking the necessary steps to see that any further use of the data stops."

The company has notified credit bureaus and credit card companies of the breach. It will also be personally notifying consumers who are affected by the theft and seeking a civil action to stop the use of the stolen data. The employee has been fired.

Fidelity National Information Services Announces Misappropriation of Consumer Data by Employee of Certegy Check Services Division (Press Release)
2.3 million consumer financial records stolen [MSNBC] (Thanks, Omar!)

The account could be real.

Dworsky says, "There is something really wrong with that mailing because it looks like a regular credit card bill from WaMu, with one of those convenience checks attached (which people get all the time). This does NOT appear to be what the consumer claims, but some other mixup in mailing rather than a solicitation done in a new way."

To be on the safe side, we advise the Woods to call up WaMu and find out if they have an account they didn't know about. It could be a mailing problem... or the first sign of identity theft.

Then again, KT did say her husband suffered from dyslexia.

Washington Mutual sent Mr. Woods a scary letter. Enclosed was what looked like a bill, odd because Woods doesn't have a WaMu account. He brought it to his wife, KT, and asked her, "What the fuck is this?"

"On initial inspection, I too got that sinking feeling...it looked exactly like a bill!" KT wrote. How were they going to pay it? Visions of coupons and soup kitchens dashed across her eyes.

Then, a closer look revealed the letter was just a loan solicitation in a cheap suit. The trickery didn't stop there, however.

Along with the bill came a blank check. $1, $100, $1,000,000, whatever! The sky's the limit. Pay off the national debt!.

If you cash it, the mouseprint says you agree to a loan at 3% interest. Not too shabby for zero collateral, eh? And then after the "promotional period" passes, the APR shoots up to a ruinous 25.24%.

"My husband has poor eyesight and dyslexia; although he's a smart guy, he might not have figured out that this wasn't a bill and who knows how many unnecessary hoops he would have had to jump through before discovering that it was just a deceptive marketing ploy."

You stay classy, WaMu!

Scans of the fell letter, inside.

Blank check.

Misleading letter.

"The Direct Marketing Association says that far from harming the environment, catalogues help it, by reducing the number of cars headed to shopping malls....Then there's the argument that junk mail keeps the Postal Service afloat.

"We certainly wouldn't want to see a drastic and expensive and unnecessary government program created that would probably do more harm than good," said the association's Pat Kachura."

Sounds like a candidate for a long takeoff on a short runway.

You know it's gotta be good when it's hawked by a pedophilic magician.

"DEVASTATING . . . that's you, in Frederick's denim pantsuit." Hmm. Is one required to salute the stitching? Would it be cruel to wonder if the model lost her right arm when the wind picked up and it just snapped right off? Eat something, girl!

Moving right: the red number is appropriate if you are character in a lyric about the Copacabana nightclub, but otherwise you look someone threw a can of tomatoes on a Converse sneaker."

Read more.

[The Institute of Official Cheer via BoingBoing]

Trixare4kids writes in on how to get the supermarket circulars out of your mailbox.

She received the "Shop Wise" ads from Advo, who, according to their answering machine is, "the nation's largest full service targeted direct mail marketing company."

She then called 888-241-6760 and requested removal. You can also use the form here.
If your ads don't come from Advo, there should be a number somewhere, often on the cover with your address, informing you where to call.

We, on the other hand, are considering signing up for the Advo ads. Look at that Jollibee mascot. That's what we're going to dress up as for our next ritualistic sacrifice/satanic orgy (also referred to as "Sac-n'-Org's).

UPDATE: We've been informed the picture displayed is for the Shop Wise store, not the "Shop Wise" packet which contains ads for Walgreens, Longs, Albertsons, Safeway, etc. We're going to keep the photo up anyway because we think the horror of the Jollibee somehow represents everything that's wrong with opt-out based direct mailings.