(J.G. Park)

Hide Your Valuables Where No One Will Ever Look

The best way to keep baddies from stealing your valuables is to not own anything valuable in the first place, but that’s no fun. Instead, consider hiding your valuables in places no one will look. Jewelry box? The obvious place to keep your grandmother’s pearls. An aspirin bottle in the medicine cabinet? Not so much! And who would look for a wad of cash wrapped in foil in an old Gardenburger box in your freezer? [More]

(stevelyon)

Buying An iPad From Some Guy At A Gas Station Isn’t Such A Good Idea

If some random person pulls up to you at a gas station and asks you if you’d like to buy an iPad for $200, go with your gut instinct. Unless your gut instinct tells you that this sounds like a really great idea. It isn’t. A Texas woman did just that. Now she’s stuck with an iPad that only lets her do one thing: have one-sided FaceTime conversations. Because it’s a mirror. [More]

(frankieleon)

When Choosing A Bank To Rob, Avoid The One Where Everyone Is Packing

There’s a sign on the door of the Peoples Bank & Trust that says you’re allowed to bring your concealed firearm in with you if you’re so inclined. That’s very American, but that doesn’t mean you’d expect the bank president to chase a robber from the bank lobby to his getaway vehicle while pointing a Colt .380 at him. Experts generally don’t support this hands-on approach to bank security, but it was effective: the robber (who was unarmed) surrendered, and the bank president is now a local hero. [More]

Walmart Employee Sentenced To 8 Years For Stabbing Customers On The Clock

Walmart Employee Sentenced To 8 Years For Stabbing Customers On The Clock

Two years ago, a Walmart employee who worked in the automotive department of a store in New Mexico walked up to a customer shopping with his family and threatened to fight him. Witnesses say that he then stabbed him in the chest and arms with a switchblade. Another customer, who authorities say tried to break up the fight, was stabbed under his chin. He was found guilty in May, and this week was sentenced to eight years in prison for the attacks. [More]

(cavale)

Florida’s Alleged Serial Used Enema Returner Has Been Apprehended

You can purchase disposable saline enemas with confidence: the man in Florida who would purchase, use, and return alarming quantities of them has been apprehended. Though in this context, an “alarming quantity” would be “more than zero.” The man’s federal indictment was just unsealed, and he was charged with, among other things, having “reckless disregard that another person would be placed in danger of death or bodily injury.” [More]

Employee Kills Coworkers At New Jersey Pathmark

Employee Kills Coworkers At New Jersey Pathmark

The Newark Star-Ledger is reporting that two workers are dead after an employee of the Old Bridge Pathmark supermarket in New Jersey entered the store with two guns and began shooting. The worker then took his own life. [More]

Do Not Throw Unwanted Water Refills On Your Red Lobster Waitress

Do Not Throw Unwanted Water Refills On Your Red Lobster Waitress

There are many ways to tell the restaurant employee who is currently serving your table that you are satisfied with your present quantity of ice water and would not care for a refill. “I don’t need any water, thanks,” you could say when they approach with pitcher in hand. You could shake your head “no” at them if your mouth is crammed full of breaded shrimp. In an informal establishment, you could put a paper napkin on top of your glass. We do not recommend that you follow the lead of three Illinois women, who were charged with attacking their Red Lobster waitress. A witness told the media that the trio expressed their displeasure at too-frequent refills by tossing their ice water on their waitress, then striking her with their hands. And their menus. [More]

Police: Walmart Worker Followed Suspected Shoplifter Out, Hit Him With Car

Police: Walmart Worker Followed Suspected Shoplifter Out, Hit Him With Car

A month ago in Houston, a high school student briefly considered committing a crime. He grabbed some DVDs and headed for the door. He says that he changed his mind near the door and left almost-ill-gotten goods behind in the store. That didn’t stop a store employee from following him out of the store as he walked home, then intentionally hitting him with his car. The teen suffered back injuries, and the driver is longer employed at Walmart. He’s also in jail with a $30,000 bond, charged with aggravated assault. [More]

Yep, these are old.

A Mobile Phone Warranty Isn’t The Same Thing As Insurance

S. went to buy an iPhone from Best Buy, and let the salesperson talk her into Best Buy’s warranty rather than AppleCare. That more expensive warranty covers accidental damage, but it’s not an insurance plan, which would cover lost or stolen phones. The salesman didn’t make this clear to S. And that’s really too bad, because as she left the store with her new phone, she was robbed. The warranty, of course, didn’t cover the theft. [More]

Look, Don’t Post Instagram Photos Of Your Credit Card

Look, Don’t Post Instagram Photos Of Your Credit Card

If you’ve found your way to this site, you’re probably savvy enough to know that it’s a very, very poor idea to snap cell phone pics of your debit card and post them to the public photo-sharing service Instagram. We would have thought that would be common sense for anyone intelligent enough to own both money and a functioning smartphone. We were wrong. You see, the NeedADebitCard Twitter bot retweets photos that people post publicly online of their credit and debit cards, often with the numbers in full view. It always seems to have fresh material, but those featured do often take their photos down. The rest remain, with names and numbers in full view. [More]

Would-Be Soda Thief Gets Arm Stuck In Machine, Freed By Firefighters

Would-Be Soda Thief Gets Arm Stuck In Machine, Freed By Firefighters

Maybe the high school student in California thought it was only an urban legend that trying to steal from a vending machine by reaching up through the slot can trap your arm inside the machine. Maybe he was just really thirsty. Either way, the would-be thief became trapped in a trolley station in the wee hours of the morning, requiring a team of paramedics, firefighters, police, and trolley security staff to open up the vending machine with power tools in order to free him. [More]

Thieves Suck Dyson Vacuums Off Store Shelves, Onto Black Market

Thieves Suck Dyson Vacuums Off Store Shelves, Onto Black Market

Despite the much-publicized Tide thefts earlier this year, the idea of massive theft rings targeting household cleaning supplies seems kind of weird. It shouldn’t. It makes sense that Dyson vacuum cleaners are an ideal target for thieves: they’re pricey, and their great brand recognition gives them an impressive black-market resale value. That’s why dirtbags are stealing Dysons by the warehouseful nationwide. [More]

Citizens Bank Manages To Make Debit Card Number Breach Even More Unpleasant

Citizens Bank Manages To Make Debit Card Number Breach Even More Unpleasant

Mobile apps that can pay for things are pretty neat, but lead to a huge headache if your phone is lost or stolen. Especially if you don’t have a credit card, and use your debit card number instead. When Megan’s iPhone was stolen, she was ready to deal with the annoyance of getting a new debit card and changing her information on each app. She didn’t expect a cascade of incompetence and obnoxiousness from Citizens Bank. [More]

Woman Returns Lost iPhone, Is Rewarded With Beating

Woman Returns Lost iPhone, Is Rewarded With Beating

The 53-year-old woman in Fredericksburg, Va. was trying to perform a good deed. She found an iPhone near a convenience store, and contacted the owner to give it back. They agreed to meet up outside of a restaurant, and the phone’s owner promised a reward. Then things went horribly wrong: according to police, the phone’s owner took the phone back, handed over the reward, then attacked her from behind while she was walking away. [More]

Dozens Or Hundreds Of Apple Devices Burgled From Chicago Best Buy

Dozens Or Hundreds Of Apple Devices Burgled From Chicago Best Buy

How many Apple gadgets did thieves remove from a Chicago Best Buy this past weekend? Police gave the media a modest estimate of only $42,000 worth of iPads, MacBooks, and GPS devices. However, an unnamed source whispered to CBS Chicago that the figure could be closer to $200,000, with the haul including a few hundred iPads. [More]

Police: Man Tried To Rob Banks While Brandishing Toilet Plunger

Police: Man Tried To Rob Banks While Brandishing Toilet Plunger

A toilet plunger isn’t a terrifying weapon to anyone but germaphobes, or maybe a child with nightmares of being chased by Daleks. Yet a man in Utica, NY thought that it made a terrifying enough weapon that he attempted to rob three different banks while threatening tellers with the plunger. None of the robberies were successful.

Naked Man Smears Self And Grocery Store With Peanut Butter, Chocolate, And Nyquil

A 22-year-old Kentucky man has been charged with burglary after breaking into an IGA overnight and making a huge mess. According to court records, the man smashed a glass door to enter the store, discharged fire extinguishers, smeared his nude body and the manager’s office with peanut butter and chocolate, and used liquid cold remedies to scrawl the word “Sorry” on the floor. [More]

Walmart Greeter Asks For Receipt, Customer Punches Her In The Face

Walmart Greeter Asks For Receipt, Customer Punches Her In The Face

On Christmas Eve in Batavia, N.Y., an elderly Walmart greeter asked a 26-year-old customer for the receipt for her electronics purchases. Instead, the customer allegedly punched her in the face and tried to flee. A mob of customers chased her and prevented her car from leaving the parking lot, and she’s now in jail, charged with two counts of assault. Here’s the unusual part: the customer had receipts for all of her purchases. [More]