The tipster writes:

Every three months, I call Time Warner Cable in New York City and complain about the service, and they give me free HBO for six months, or something like that. My cousin, who worked in the IT department at Time Warner, told me that the "complaint" list resets every three months, so after that, they don't know that you complained. Four phone calls a year can give you all sorts of premium channels and the like.

Our Time Warner internet connection dies more frequently than Kenny, and free premium channels are our favorite way to mourn. Here's how we do it:

• The internet dies. Again.
• We call Time Warner.
• Time Warner checks for outages in our area. There are none. Ever.
• Time Warner expresses befuddlement over the problem.
• Time Warner tells us to power cycle the modem. This does nothing. Ever.
• Time Warner offers its only solution: dispatch a tech to replace the modem. Again.
• We explain this happens regularly, and ask for free premium channels.
• Time Warner laughs and explains that they don't offer free premium channels.
• We promise that they do, and ask them to consult our scroll-length list of outages before checking with a supervisor.
• We sit on hold for 15 minutes.
• Time Warner gives us the free premium channels.

(Photo: Meghann Marco)

Hi Consumerist,

So two things happened in January. One: I started leasing a dedicated server from Sago Networks, and two: I asked for paperless credit card statements from Capital One. Little did I realize this would cause me
headaches for the next 4 (going on 5) months.

Sometime in February I received an email from Blockbuster Total Access that my card was refused. I thought that was strange, so I tried to login to capitalone.com (as I did every month to pay my bill) to check it out. So one of two things happened here: right after logging in I was either sent to http://www.capitalone.com/?state=timeout or I received a standard 404 message. I thought that was even stranger so I decided to call and see what was up.

Over the next month or two I'd call about twice per week, stay on hold for about an hour, then hang up. As a good Consumerist, I'd call the collect number on the back of my card and try to blast my way through to a human by repeatedly dialing "0". This did little good. Every time I called I was on the phone for a minimum of an hour, at which point I had to hang up because I was calling during my lunch breaks.

Once I finally got a hold of an actual human, I was told I needed the fraud department, which added to my hold time. When talking to the fraud department, I asked several times why my card was marked as fraudulent. They wouldn't answer. I was asked some simple questions, like my mother's maiden name, city of birth, then, "Did you charge $69 with Sago Networks in January?" (Gee, I wonder who was responsible for my card getting stopped.) I said yes, and then they supposedly reactivated my online account and sent me a new credit card.

Next time I logged in to Capital One I could navigate the website without errors, but when I clicked "Pay My Bill," I got an EMPTY SELECT BOX when choosing which account to pay! Over the next TWO MONTHS I ended up playing phone tag with a mysterious "special division of the fraud department." Every person I talked to told me I needed the fraud department. When I was connected to the fraud department, they told me I needed some "special division." They wouldn't give me any names, but they did tell me that this special division is only open M-F 9-5 EST (very inconvenient for me on the west coast). After holding for my entire lunch break, I had to hang up.

HOWEVER: This did not stop them from calling me on Saturdays. I turn my ringer off at night, but when checking my phone later on I'd see up to 3 missed calls from Capital One. Apparently their collections
department works all weekend but the fraud department is only available M-F.

So one day earlier this month I took a personal day and called Capital One again. This time I decided to take notes during my call:

Began phone call - 10:52
Talked to Ashley - put on hold at 11:04
Talked to Evelyn from 11:15-11:29
Talked to Marian (Collections department) 11:35
Talked to Kam (Fraud department) 11:45-12:07
Talked to Michelle (Account Manager) at 12:10
Hung up 12:35

Not one of these representatives explained why I was being transferred or told me I was being put on hold before they did so. Michelle finally helped me. She claimed she removed the 3 late charges attached
to my account and accepted a payment via check right there on the phone. Thing is, I checked recently: no payments have been made. They don't want me to pay them! I also asked Michelle to reactivate snail mail bills so maybe I'll start getting those...

They refuse to let me pay! Anyway, thought this might be interesting...

Keep up the great work Consumerist!

"The safety and privacy of our customers is our highest priority. We take this seriously and we want to investigate the allegation immediately. We interact with millions of customers a week (on the phone and in the home) so any assistance you can provide would be greatly appreciated, because as you can imagine, we feel obligated to our customers to fully investigate this."

We put her in touch with Andrew and his friend. We'll see what happens. Too bad there's no YouTube.

During the installation, this female friend was asked out by the "big, imposing" Comcast tech. She declined. Alone in the kitchen, he told her, "I just have to say, you are so pretty."

On the work order, the tech put down his home number. After the (failed) installation, he called the friend again to try and meet up. She hung up but he continued to call.

Andrew's friend turned off her phone and is now sleeping over at friend's houses. She decided not to report the guy to Comcast as he knows where she lives and she's afraid of retaliation. What to do?

We're no relationship expert but....

Andrew,

Sorry to hear about your friend's troubles.

We understand her fear but she should leave her phone on. If he calls again, she should tell him in no uncertain terms to stop calling. Hanging up hasn't, in all fairness, made that explicit.

If he continues to make calls she feels are harassing, then she should consider calling the police.

Have her document the affair as best to her ability, including names, times and dates, and then call the police immediately to report the harassing phone calls and unwelcome behavior.

Then if you want to get him fired, report the complaint now that you're under police protection. Or, make an anonymous complaint and say you've heard about the tech doing it, without specifying the complainant. Bear in mind, though, the latter won't carry as much weight as the former.

If she still balks, consider this: if she doesn't complain and get him fired, what's to stop him from doing the same to another customer?

Sleeping on customer's couches is one thing, but trying to sleep with you on the couch? Quite another.

Andrew's original letter below:

He writes, "I was placed on hold for more than 20 minutes while she reached a resolutions representative to honor my records request, which was ultimately denied. I was told I would have to acquire a subpoena to access my own billing records, because they are the property of Cingular."

ZeroEgo was so pissed he wrote 988 words about it, all while on hold.

"On Hold" [Zero Ego's Livejournal] (Thanks to Aaron!)

Previously: HOWTO: Join The Cingular Lawsuit

Create a hand written sign that says MySpace.com and your friend ID. Your friend ID is the number between ID= and &mytoken in your profile's URL.

Get an image, or digital picture of yourself with this hand written sign.

This is image is a salute. Next, reply to this e-mail with the salute as an e-mail attachment, or as an e-mail link to where it is uploaded.

Which seems really bizarre, unnecessary, and bad customer service, almost like Tom's fixation with Asian schoolgirls.

Previously: Fuck Myspace, We're Deleting Our Profile

UPDATE: The complaint letter radnauseum wrote Tom and Myspace customer service, after the jump...

Rad wrote:

"Dear Tom or Rupert or whoever:

Are you insane? I'm supposed to do arts and crafts, take a picture, upload it to a website, email you the picture and go through a lengthy URL to find my acct. number just to cancel my account?

Why can't I just go through the usual "click to confirm" program that most normal websites have. This is just one more reason why myspace sucks.

I really do think you are insane. Imagine if Amazon.com suggested this for closing an account with them? Imagine any reputable website asking their users to take a picture of themselves to cancel an account? Even better! Imagine trying to return a book at Barnes and Noble and getting your picture taken with the book and piece of paper where you have hand written why you don't want the book? The possibilities are endless. I just don't have the time or patience to go through them all right now. Please be sure though that I will try to make this insane system you have as public as possible.

You are insane.

Best,

Robin Adams
user number: 42067501 (if that's even correct... in my profile page some of the stuff I am looking for in the URL isn't even there, nutjob.)"

Gothamgal goes to Best Buy and gets hit with a not-very-gruntled employee who seems to seriously begrudge the fact that our iPod buyer needs to replace her mp3 player. Seriously.

Inanity ensues in a police procedural fashion, after the jump...

"So I got some money in '04 to commemorate my birth. How better to celebrate than with a bright, shiny new 20 gig Ipod?

I'd been looking at them for a while, and kept deciding I really didn't need it, but I finally decided to live a little and picked it up with my boyfriend waiting patiently. The person at Best Buy kept asking questions and the whole process took about 30 minutes, but he did convince me to pick up the product replacement plan. My boyfriend and I were off to dinner, where I believe I paid, in celebration of me turning 25 (hey, wait a second, shouldn't I have been treated?).

Cut to earlier this year. The Ipod is amazing, it is always near and I treat it like it is a child. A very small child whose metal back is freaking freezing in an Ohio winter. But I notice that when I slide the hold on and then off after a while, the click wheel is slow to respond. The volume is weird, going in and out at weird times, despite the original files and my headphones seem okay.

I get worried. I wonder if something is going on with the 'Pod and whether or not I was in trouble. I'd backed up all my music, but it's not too organized on the external hard drive I use (I like putting my music on my computer so that I don't have to mess with scratching the CDs). So I figure that whenever I do something it is going to take a while to go through everything.

I called my local Best Buy Friday on my lunch break. I explained the problem and spoke with Amanda in music (the automatic phone system is hard to understand).

Amanda: Best Buy Girl
Gothamgal: Worried Ipod Owner

G: I've downloaded all updates, tested the headphones and my Ipod is still changing volumes at weird times, without touching the clickwheel.
A: Is anything else happening?
G: If I press the hold button and then turn it back on, the clickwheel doesn't respond.
A: Does it happen all the time?
G: No, just a couple of times today. It'll do it four or five times a day and then be fine for a week.
A: When did you buy it?
G: On October 2, 2004. I got the protection plan.
A: How did you pay?
G: I have my receipt, I think I paid cash.
A: You have your receipt from 2004?
G: Yes. I got a 20 gig Ipod.
A: That's so sweet. Bring it in and we'll switch it for a new one.
G: Seriously? Do I need to bring anything else?
A: Let me check.

A: I just checked with customer service. Just bring it in with the receipt and they'll give you $299.99 toward a new Ipod or cash or anything really.
G: It's that easy?
A: Yeah, and you'll actually get more if you get a new Ipod. The prices dropped and they discontinued yours, so you can get a 30 gig video for the same price.
G: Thanks!


It can't be this easy, right?
Well, you're right. I went in and spoke with Holly at the desk. She took it and said "Go get your new Ipod." I went to the bathroom and then went over to the Ipod counter.
When I came back Kristen was there. She seemed less willing to trade the Ipod, and she was murmering things about how it wasn't fair she had to do this. She kept asking me questions about why it wasn't working. Then Holly would come up and assure her to just return it. Finally, Kristen had me fill out a form and then she had to call a number and get an authorization number. All the time she is saying things about how no one should be able to return an 'MPG' player (?!?). Everything was done and she says "Where is your power cord? Your disk?"
I look at her blankly and told her about my previous conversation with Amanda. She looked at me and said "If you don't have it, go home and get it or I'll have to charge you $200.00. It's ridiculous."
My boyfriend is in the car and he's hungry so he isn't in a good mood. I explain again that no one had said this to me at any point beforehand. I can come back in the morning with the cables and she's like "No, can't happen."
I walk outside, sans ANY 'pod and tell my boyfriend. He says "Get in there and tell them to take it out of the box. Tell them to cut the S*&t." (We live about 25 miles away from the nearest Best Buy, and gas is expensive, not to mention traffic is bad at this time).
So I walk back in and say "Can you take the stuff out of the new box?"
She rolls her eyes and says "I guess."
I reply, "That's good because you've already taken way too long to process this and no one ever told me I needed to bring anything else. My boyfriend is in the car and he's not happy."
Kristin apologizes and takes out a disc and a computer cable (the new ipods do not come with a power cable). She tosses my old Ipod cover to me (I got it free from Johnny Walker) and grabs a bag for the item. "You have 30 days to get a new product replacement."
I walk out of the store, happily with my new Ipod, but kinda mad about the whole runaround, especially with an associate that a) didn't really know a lot about the product/process or b) someone unwilling to provide normal customer service.
Luckily I did get something better to replace something that had taken a crap, that's what the replacement plan is there for. But if an associate is angry about having to do it, I don't think that's too cool."

One day we hope to receive two emails, one from a consumer complaining about "the worst customer service they've ever had" and one from an employee complaining about "the worst customer they've ever had" and lo and behold, they concern the same transaction. That would be pretty magical.

[photo]

Let's Build Something Together... indeed. Just as long as it's not an inconvenience for one of us.

We're sure the sanctimonious anoraks among you will quickly seize Randy's letter in your sweaty maws and rip it apart, saying he shouldn't get so upset over the haughty attitude of one Lowe's employee over two buckets up paint. No doubt, that Ryan picked up the wrong base paint and so deserves mockery will figure prominently in your screeds. Before you do that, read the entire letter, imagine walking into a store you've given good money, and then being insulted by one of its employees in front of your family for no good reason.

If after that, you feel not a twinge of empathy, by all means, break out your greasy rapiers and rusty hacksaws.

The fact remains, Ryan was dissed, he's pissed, and he's not shopping at Lowes aynmore. His missive, after the jump...

Randy's letter to Lowe's is as follows

"I am writing this tonight because I have put up with my last inconsiderate, unhelpful employee that your store has seen fit to offer me since moving into the area only 4 years ago. It's been a love/hate relationship where for a few moments I can get expert customer service and just when things are looking up I am greeted (or, completely ignored) by someone who would be better off flipping burgers than attempting to answer a home improvement question. Without going into particulars of the past because the past is no longer relevant I will explain the incident that put things over the edge.

Tonight my family ventured into Lowes in search of 2 gallons of Exterior Paint. We walked in the paint aisle and identified the paint base we wanted. Sitting in a wire holder right in front of that paint was a color guide for exterior paint. We identified the color we needed for this very simple project and brought both the paint and the color guide to the paint desk. In year's past I have done this and the paint employee takes the paint, adds the dye, shakes it, checks it, and I'm on my way.

Tonight I watched what appeared to be the only employee in the area hold a completely non-work relevant conversation with another person for 5 minutes while ignoring us. After 5 minutes a new employee happened upon the desk and asked if we were being helped. We answered that we were not and just needed these 2 gallons of paint in this color. This seemed to be a very simple task. Apparently I do not know enough about paint.

Mr. Employee (sorry I didn't get his name) let us know that we did not have to get the base paint, simply tell them the color and they would go get it for us. On the surface that appeared to be a very nice offer, until he immediately tacked on that we should take back the base that we had chosen and then come back to the desk. Without pausing for any response the then changed his mind and said he would take it back and get the right base while at the same time telling us and I quote "although it's a major inconvenience, I will go back and get the right base." Yes. Those words will be etched in my mind until the day I die.

Your employee, through an act of the most sheer stupidity and ignorance I have ever experienced, managed to cost you a customer for life. Over the past year Lowes hung on by a thread and earned my purchase of a vinyl shed along with accompanying wood to construct the base. No small project. In the near future I have planned a complete flooring upgrade as well as paint and some tile work on the walls. Over 2 gallons of paint, your employee has cost you those sales.

It's very unfortunate that I was an inconvenience by going into the aisle and picking out the base I needed then grabbed the color chart that was so intelligently placed by the base that I was buying and brought it up to the counter so the employee would not have to go 35 feet to get it. Of course, I'm still confused about the wrong base as I was unaware that a color could not be put into any base.

I believe in the value of customer service over all else. I praise it when it's needed (as I did when a very exceptional employee saved you a sale on a vinyl shed) and I certainly let everyone know when it's bad. I'm sure everyone I converse with, both in person and on the Internet, will be happy to hear just exactly how inconvenienced Lowes was over two gallons of paint."

Yesterday, Time Warner called to ask when it would be a good time to come by and install his cable.

Michael Main writes:

"When Amy stopped laughing, she tried to explain that we not only didn't want them to come out but that we had cancelled our cable solely because they were such a confused bunch and we feared it might be contagious.

...the Time Warner employee said, "So you don't want the Superstations either?"

"I suspect they're not on the same page, because they need a bookmark to get through a bumper sticker," writes Michael.

"Crossed Wires" [The Main Point Blog]

M.B. sends us Ms. Young's detailed report on Circuit City not honoring its advertised rebates. She ordered a cable modem online with a $40 advertised rebate.

Two months later she got a letter saying her rebate was denied because it was an "Invalid Purchase Location," a caveat that she and Circuit City agree was not disclosed anywhere.

But that was only the beginning, as she learned after a succession of calls to Circuit City where the customer service reps actually hung up on her mid-call.

"It appears that this practice of rejecting otherwise valid rebate submissions continues to date, and that Circuit City is fulling aware and complacent in the practice. I claim that this problem is systemic, and that Circuit City is intentionally practicing deceptive marketing," writes Ms. Young.

Read more here.

Type in the offending party s name or company and the program cranks out a vague and threatening letter insinuating numerous wrongs. Wrongs so heinous that they remain nameless, to comedic effect.

The magical machine seems to remix some of the best complaint lines ever written and connect them in a linguistically sound fashion. Friends, countrymen, lend me your ears, I come to bury The Consumerist, not praise him was how one of the letters it produced for us started.

Why the letters may not resolve your issue, it may certainly be gratifying to befuddle your target into guilt and contrition.

We guess some things never change. The darn thing still works.

Scott Pakin s Automatic Complaint-Letter Generator

Consumers registered 13 discrimination complaints, the same as 2004. Are carriers applying the same stringent levels of racism or are these just the same 13 people that they don't like?

Topping the complaint chart is baggage. Unfortunately, there s no breakout as to percentage related to indelicately handled not-my-vibrator incidences.

The most complaints were for American Airlines. Comair, Independence Air and Trans States Air received the least, mainly because no one flies them.

The DOT also informs that on-time means anything less than 15 minutes late. Note too the section on "Customer Service Reports to the Department of Homeland Security."

The report would ve been great at the crack of Monday while stuck on Jetblueballs. We could ve used it to lodge a complaint right up the fascist stewardess s rear cabin.

Air Travel Consumer Report [U.S. Department of Transportation]

"Don't worry, I don't need a receipt," Joel puncuated as the cashier punched up his purchase. "The woman behind the counter appeared not to have heard me, however" he reports on his blog, "because when she handed me my batteries the receipt was right there in her hand.

"Oh, that's okay," I said, with slightly more volume. "I don't need the receipt."

She looked at me blankly for a moment. "Well, I don't really need it either," she said.

I grabbed the batteries and receipt and stalked out of the store.

At the time her insolence enraged me but thinking about it now I find it pretty funny."

Joel is writing a musical called Terezin, about the Nazi propaganda camp of the same name. Incidentally, Nazis loved to keep receipts for everything, including homosexuals.

Duane Reed doesn't need it either [ The Search for Love in Manhattan via Gawker]

I m not a pariah or a leper, not looking to hook up with someone for the rest of my life I was married for a long time and now I m not, it s a weird transititional state, she told The Consumerist. While not legally separated, all ties were definitely snipped. She wanted to date again but was uncertain where to begin. Encouraged by positive reviews from friends, L. signed up on eHarmony.com and began filling out their extensive profile. To get the best results, she went through the humiliating process of revealing herself to the computer questionnaire with honesty.

After spending over an hour she came to one of the final questions, Please describe your current status and was given the choice of married, divorced, single or separated. After clicking separated she got her reward, Unable to match you at this time. The kill screen continued something to the effect of how statistically speaking, separated peoples are not viable prospects as they may return to their partners. Focus groups participants voiced concerns for this possibility and eHarmony decided to make it a policy.

L.D. understands this from a business standpoint but wishes they d disclose that at the beginning.

On Friday, eHarmony.com sent her a Valentine s day email.

1. I do have to say I feel punished about my status, she wrote the company, particularly since it was one of the categories asked about at the very end. There must be a community of people who understand the transitional state of going from married to nonmarried. 2. I don't see a way to change my marital status once my divorce is final. 3. I got a valentine's day message email today. Since I cannot possibly find a match through your service at the moment, I find receiving email messages about having hope of finding someone particularly tacky.

An eHarmony lead agent, Carla W., responded to L. s complaint the same day, Once you are divorced, please reply with the county and state of your divorce proceedings, the name of the judge, and the date your divorce was finalized As an alternative, I can reset your personality profile test.

L. is not sure whether she will report the information in to eHarmony, already feeling chastened. She s heard that the founder has a Christian mission" and she finds that "really disturbing. L.D. considers their policy of excluding same-sex partnerships, offensive, to say the least. Also, since filling out the personality profile, she s noticed she seems to be receiving more Christian dating site spam.

As to whether she will continue to seek romance online, she s not sure. L.D. looked into services like Lavalife and Match but was turned off by their pay-to-survey model and their approach of hey what s your sign okay here s some matches, go! For that, you might as well head to Craigslist.

It s just so fucking complicated, reports L., I run a software company so I know all about designing a user friendly interface. Make it intuitive Otherwise I ll just go home and watch TV.

For Valentine s Day, L.D. plans on attending her daughter s parent-teacher conference.

• Quizno s - if there s a more expensive sandwich run through a broiler that takes 2 months to make prepared by trainees, I haven t found it.
• Home Depot - Thank God the only entrance to their store is conveniently located. Why don t they just put the freaking entrance around the back of the building, instead of all the way over to either the right or left of their stores.
• Home Depot Part Deux - If they could have [fewer] registers open for more customers, thus clogging the center lane with contractors and their 50 sheets of plywood, that d be the icing on the cake.
• Verizon - I just need a phone, not a 21-member family plan, add-on extra-minute monthly prorated upsale to something else.
• Any software company that offers insane price cuts for educational versions. And the oil companies gouge? Here s my full-on rant about THAT sore spot with me.

Bill, the reason why it takes Quizno s so long is that all their employees are just those floating, singing rat squibs dressed up in human suits. Looking over Las Vegas shoulder, Home Depot places the entrances and exits in awkward places so as to confuse and entrap you in a desperate home improvement spiral whose only escape is the purchase of more grout sealer. Verizon, inspired by capitalism, is the worst cell phone company except for all the others. Regarding exorbitant Adobe prices let us introduce you to a little black cabal best known by its playful euphemism, file sharing.

Add your best shotgun kvetching via email or comments. If they strike a chord with us, we might even grace you with useless but amusing answers in a future edition of 'Micro Kvetch.'