What is "it?" Making coffee, of course.

Folger's Misogynistic Megamix! [Funnny or Die] (via Daily Fork)

Poor iPhone. Or, smartphone-like device that resembles an iPhone. According to Verizon, its 3G coverage means that it has no place in this world except the island of misfit toys.

Other commercials declare that AT&T users will experience a blue Christmas, and that only the naughty will receive AT&T phones as holiday gifts. Ha ha! Sigh.

Verizon Wireless Launches Three More Anti-AT&T 3G Network Commercials [Gizmodo]

Since it's still a drug and not an actual beauty product, you have to have some sort of medical condition to take it. That's why one of the first bits of fine print in the commercial says that the drug is only for people who suffer from "inadequate or not enough lashes, also known as hypotrichosis." Like Brooke, apparently.

"Ad for eyelash drug Latisse goes too far" [Consumer Reports Health Blog]

RELATED
"Yeah, Your Eyes Are Discolored And Red, But Your Lashes Look Great!"

Grey says:

This absurd Bumblebee Tuna display was jutting into the isle at my local Safeway. It had a black screen, single silver button, and a card stock sign demanding I "push the button." Out of nothing more than utter disbelief and morbid curiosity I bow to the will of the sign.

"Will it start talking to me, the grocery store shopper?" I wonder. "Perhaps it will suggest some Tuna-themed dish for me to prepare for dinner tonight?" No. Instead I see the lowest resolution version of some 30 second, made for TV ad I'd ever seen.

When it stops it goes black, waiting for the next passerby to cave to the demands of the card stock sign. No coupons. No cooking ideas. No direct engagement with the shopper. Just the same, unimaginative advertising penetrating deeper into our everyday experiences - as if the market isn't saturated enough. I don't know how this could possibly be effective, but apparently they think it will be.

At least the damn thing isn't auto-play. I hope someone figures out a way to hack these things and deliver and useful, informative, or somewhat interesting message on one of these.

Maybe you should go back see what it looks like when you put the sunglasses on.

HD Vision Ultras use special "high definition lenses" and are "like no other glasses you've ever worn," says the website. We believe that, largely because there's no other way to explain what these people are doing other than seeing their world in high definition for the first time ever:

We like this new application of HD, even though we worry that if you stacked four or five together and looked through them you might accidentally open a hell dimension. In fact, all hell dimensions aside, we think the inventors should expand their product line. How about window panes, for example? Can you imagine how HD your front lawn would look? Or what about drinking glasses? You may think you enjoy your iced tea right now, but holy shit, imagine how awesome it would be to see that liquid in stunning 1080p for a change! Or, and you might want to sit down for this, what if the HD Vision Ultra people used their eyeglass material to make TV screens?!? Then you could watch HD shows... in HD!

At that point your brain would likely start bleeding from the overstimulation of clarity, however, so maybe we should be thankful that this awesome invention only extends to sunglasses for now. Also, we don't really want any hell dimensions opening up.

HD Vision Ultras!!!!!! (Thanks to Ryan!)

In their ever-expanding quest for new subject matter, Rhett and Link are asking people to nominate their favorite local business to win a free, customized commercial. To make a nomination, you can visit the website, where you can also view the businesses that have been nominated so far.

Rhett & Link will make your next local TV ad [Adfreak]

PREVIOUSLY: Gird Yourself, Video Advertising Is Coming To Print Magazines

According to the BBC, select copies of the September 18th issue of Entertainment Weekly will include little LCD screens that work pretty much the same way those singing greeting cards work:

The first clips will preview programmes from US TV network CBS and show adverts by the drinks company Pepsi.

• Screen uses liquid crystal display (LCD) technology
• Each is 2.7mm thick with 320x240 resolution
• Can store 40mins of video
• Battery can be recharged via mini-USB
• Rechargeable battery lasts up to 70 mins

The company behind the gimmick, Americhip, calls this "multisensorizing," apparently because their website copy was written by email scammers. (Warning: their website is an assault on the ears even after you press the "no music" button.)

Really, the good things about marketing stunts like this one—including the e-ink screen on the cover of Esquire last year and the USB flash drive that some car company handed out in EW a few years ago—is that you can re-use the technology if you're handy with things like that. Or, if you're like me, you can just keep opening and closing the page until the battery wears out, so mesmerized by what's happening that you manage to ignore the message entirely.

Here's what the technology looks like—and despite our "no Tivo remote" crack above, they do demonstrate a "Skip" button. We'll be curious to see whether that makes it into the final version.

Also, that's gonna be one bulky Entertainment Weekly issue:

Here's a video of the actual ad as it will appear in the magazine.

"Video appears in paper magazines" [BBC via toni_jane]

Volume sales of Bud Light, the top-selling brew in the U.S., have fallen this year and may register their first annual sales decline in the brand's 27-year history.

The new ads, set to coincide with the start of the U.S. football season on networks such as ESPN, will include more of the humor that drinkers have been accustomed to seeing from Bud Light over the years. The ads will refine the company's "Drinkability" campaign — which sought to persuade drinkers that Bud Light is neither too heavy nor too light in taste — that began last year and has struggled to gain traction.

Do you like the "Drinkability" campaign? Are we the only ones who find it really annoying?

Anheuser Refreshes Bud Light Campaign [WSJ]
(Photo:Dyanna)

According to The Big Money, in a letter he wrote to the Parents Television Council (who complained to him about the commercials) Boddie said that the ad campaign "diminishes not only the product but the brand itself," and he's asking Hardee's to pull it from all markets.

"Hardee's Biggest Franchisee Attacks Hardee's Ads" [The Big Money] (Thanks to Joanne!)

RELATED
"Hardee's New Ad: Our Food Tastes Better Than Someone's Anus!"

Office 2010: The Movie [YouTube]
Office 2010: The Movie [Official Site]

I do, almost in spite of myself, miss Clippy.

But wait, there's more! How Tristar makes infomercials [Star-Ledger]

According to Jessica Holzer of Dow Jones Newswires, "Four public relations firms, including Powell Tate and Direct Impact, pitched their ideas for the television spot at a meeting" that was attended by "representatives from the National Association of Realtors, the American Bankers Association, the Mortgage Bankers Association and the Financial Services Roundtable," and organized by the American Financial Services Association. They haven't made any formal statement yet about running ads, but it's obviously being discussed.

The vice president of the American Financial Services Association told Holzer, "We're not considering running ads against anything as much as trying to ... ensure we don't move forward, in the haste to do something, with the wrong type of approach."

If they do create the ads, expect to see them as early as this month. In the meantime, you can get your industry propaganda fix by watching the old Harry and Louise spots:

"Groups Mull 'Harry And Louise' Ads To Sink Consumer Agency" [NASDAQ via TNR] (Thanks to Heather!)

RELATED
"Harry and Louise on Clinton's health plan"

Why run the spot? For starters, both Telebrands and the Mays family know that Billy would have wanted it that way.

"We struggled with this decision," [Telebrands CEO A.J.] Khubani tells DailyFinance. "There's no precedent, and we really don't know what's going to happen. There could be a tremendous backlash."

There's a lot at stake. The new infomercial will air in "every market in the country," Khubani says, and Tellebrands spent millions on the airtime. The spot has been tested in several markets, on a very limited basis, in the weeks before Mays's death. "We've been watching the results, and they haven't gotten worse or better, which means people are buying the product because they like the product," says Khubani. "Quite frankly, I think it's the product that's going to carry the day, although Billy Mays certainly enhances it. Still, we're taking a big gamble on using a spokesman who's not with us."

How will you react upon seeing a new Billy Mays spot? Fear of zombie pitchmen? Happiness at seeing him still on the air, doing what he loved?

For Billy Mays, one final pitch [DailyFinance]
Jupiter Jack [Official Site]

PREVIOUSLY:
Billy Mays Dead At 50
Billy Mays: A Look Back At A Television Legend
Billy Mays Likely Died Of Heart Disease

I hadn't seen most of these commercials, since I own and obsessively use a Tivo. Did we miss your favorite ad or clip? Share it in the comments.

(Photo: azrainman)

TruTV rounded up ten stupid infomercials for your viewing amusement. Some are familiar, like the Slap Chop remix. Some aren't, like the Kush Support, a $55 nighttime cleavage spacer. My current favorite, embedded above, is the Uroclub—a portable urinal disguised as a golf club. Let's check out their ad copy:

How many times has this happened? You're playing 18 holes with your best buddies, drinking sport-"ades", water, beer, etc. You're coming up to the 3rd hole with no rest room in sight. There are no trees or bushes around and you just have to go, what are you going to do?

The UroClub™ is the discrete, sanitary way for your urgent relief. Created by a Board Certified Urologist, it looks like an ordinary golf club, but contains a reservoir built into the grip to relieve yourself. The UroClub™ is leak proof, easy to clean and no more embarrassing moments.

All for only $24.95. Order now!

Top 10 Dumb Infomercials [Dumb as a Blog]

The cleverly named Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act, or "CALM", would require the following:

(1) advertisements accompanying such video programming shall not be excessively noisy or strident;

(2) such advertisements shall not be presented at modulation levels substantially higher than the program material that such advertisements accompany; and

(3) the average maximum loudness of such advertisements shall not be substantially higher than the average maximum loudness of the program material that such advertisements accompany.

The Wall Street Journal says that the industry is already planning to deal with the commercial loudness issue on its own.

Broadcasters say they are addressing the problem already. "The major television broadcast networks, including ABC, NBC, CBS and Fox, are each, individually, implementing policies that attempt to control loud commercials," said David Donovan, president of the Association for Maximum Service Television, a broadcast industry trade group, speaking at a hearing Thursday before the House Energy and Commerce Telecommunications Subcommittee.

A representative from NBC said that Congress can expect an industry-wide review of commercial volume in July. Broadcasters could begin implementing it by the fall.

Do you think they'll actually do this? Should Congress pass the bill? Or do you not care about loud commercials?

Lawmakers Make Noise About Loud Commercials [WSJ]
Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act (Introduced in House) [THOMAS]

Chris, who pointed out the new ad to us, also sent the following email to Post:

Dear Post,

Bear Grylls advertising your Trail Mix cereal? Really? The guy will eat ANYTHING. He has and will eat a sheep eyeball, goat testicle, scorpion, spider, snake, rotten lion-killed zebra, berries out of poo. And this is the guy you want me to take cereal advice from? Really? Don't get me wrong, I love that guy and I love irony but,... REALLY? That's like opening a Dick Cheyney day care facility. [Actually, we think it's more like Cheney promoting a gun safety course. -Ed.] Your commercial is like taking survival advice from Gordon Ramsay. I seriously can't think of a worse choice,... unless you want me to think that your cereal tastes like maggots with elephant dung juice squeezed over the top. I'm just sayin'.

Here's the Post commercial:

And here's what Post's new spokesman eats when he's off the set:

Personally, we think a much more entertaining match-up would be Bear Grylls eating a box of Hannah Montana cereal. We're not sure that would be any less disturbing, but it would at least make more sense since Grylls will eat anything.

Slap Chop Remix [YouTube] (Thanks to Matt!)

Here is a Luna commercial.

The annoying jingle is at the end:

In case you're not yet fully annoyed, try watching this story about Luna from WMAQ. They seem like nice guys:

Now the Cubs have entered into a deal with the company to play the jingle after every Cubs double. Reader Chris says this is causing him to have an unpleasant Pavlovian response whenever something good happens to the Cubbies.

It's so loud that it can be heard over the telecast and throughout the surrounding neighborhood.

I've started to develop a Pavlovian response where I cringe every time the Cubs score a run. It's gotten so bad that after I attended Wednesday night's shutout loss to the Reds where the Cubs only had 6 singles, I was slightly happy because I never had to hear that jingle.

Cubs management told the Chicago Tribune that they were keeping the jingle because only "media and bloggers" were complaining.

"People understand that we obviously don't want to get into the Jumbotron business and we don't want to add 15 million signs all over Wrigley Field, and it's with the understanding that 100 percent [of the advertising revenues] goes to player payroll," he said. "It's nothing new. We do it with home runs, stolen bases, pinch-hitters."

He went on to say that people remember the Luna tune fondly, comparing it to Chicago commercial legends like Empire Carpet, Victory Auto Wreckers and Peter Francis Geraci. (Google them.)

Reader Chris disagrees, and has asked us to link his "Stop the Luna Jingle" petition. We are prone to post anything that mentions both awful Chicago commercials and our beloved Cubbies, so here it is.

Good luck, Chris. Boop boop boop boop. Luna!

Stop the Luna Jingle at Wrigley Field [Petition Online]
People Complaining About The Luna Tune [North Side Baseball]
Chicago Cubs won't dump familiar jingle [Chicago Tribune]

"Smart Mop Commercial - Drink Your Spilled Soda Off the Floor" [YouTube] (Thanks to jscott73!)

The revisions have drawn sharp criticism from product manufacturers, advertising agencies and trade groups who say it is the "aspirational" theme of their ads that motivates consumers to purchase their goods. Show less than the ultimate achievement, they say, and consumers are less likely to buy.

Translation: Easily deceived consumers wouldn't buy useless products if they knew they were useless.

"For a good part of the last decade, we have noticed a problem, particularly with consumer testimonials," said Richard Cleland, assistant director of the FTC's division of advertising practices. "The use of consumer testimonials had become almost a safe harbor for companies as long as they threw in some sort of disclaimer about results not being typical."

The rules are undergoing a final review, after which they will likely be adopted. Late night and daytime advertising will never be the same!

Federal Trade Commission's plan to change rules on ad endorsements, testimonials worries marketers [Chicago Tribune]

"Faux Fitness – 8 Inane & Pointless Pieces of Exercise Equipment" [ObsessionFitness]

See Dan's new public-access-style ad below.

Here's Tonya's irate piggy clip that inspired us (warning: cursing).

Restaurant
The better of the two, because parents watching from the bar and ladies getting jig with it are at least amusing.

Apartment

We think the FTC should have tapped Venida Evans to help them out. You probably know her as the hallucination who encourages people to do things in those IKEA spots about mental illness. Imagine her standing next to a lad at the PC, warning him to not sign up at freecreditreport.com. In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, here she is turning a vulnerable, lonely housewife against her own child:

Free Reports [FTC]

If this had been around in the 80s, we're sure it would have replaced Huey Lewis in Patrick Bateman's CD player.
Life Fail [FailBlog]
CHEERS TO YOU!

My ears are shooting streams of blood
As I watch this demo play
But thanks to Songsmith's magic touch
I'll write like Bruce Springsteen

You don't have to rhyme when you're using Songsmith. The demo showed me.

(Thanks to suryasnair!)

The Best Of Billy Mays Video Remix Edition [Urlesque via BuzzFeed]

That thing is brutally efficient. We wonder how many fish they had to go through to get those shots.

Commercial Fail [Fail Blog]

Check this out. It's Auto-Armageddon! From BusinessWeek:

"It was like somebody turned the lights off in October," said GM sales and marketing chief Mark LaNeve. According to GM, October, after adjusting according to sales per capita, was the worst month for sales in the post-World War II era. It was worse even than sales in September and October after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks against New York and Washington in 2001. "In my 27 years in the business, I've never seen a month like this," said an exasperated LaNeve.

The declines aren't limited to U.S. brands. "The carnage was completely widespread," said GM's LaNeve. Toyota (TM), despite huge ad spending and zero-percent financing, reported a sales drop of 23%. Nissan (NSANY) was off 33%. Hyundai was down 31%. Suzuki was down 44%. Luxury makes weren't spared. Mercedes-Benz (DAI) was down 26% and BMW was off 10%.

We find it just shocking that that annoying-as-hell "Saved By Zero" commercial that Toyota is mercilessly force-feeding hapless football fans isn't working. Don't you?

Auto Sales Worst Since 1983 [BusinessWeek]
Stop Playing Toyota's "Saved By Zero" Commercial [Facebook]
Toyota Won't Stop Saved By Zero Ads Despite Pleas From Thousands Of Facebookers [Jalopnik]

I also learned something about myself this morning, which is that I don't enjoy watching other people fart half as much as I enjoy making up French phrases.

"Extended Stay Makes a Passing Reference" [MSNBC Ads of the Weird]

As MSNBC puts it, "It kind of makes us pine for that irritating, but light-hearted, Energizer bunny." Plus, you can use the bunny to point out where the bad man touched you.

"Trust Duracell to Scare the *$#%! Out of You" [MSNBC]

PedEgg Accused Of Gross Injustice [The Smoking Gun]

"The 50 Greatest Commercial Parodies of All Time" [Nerve.com via Neatorama]

He writes, "Just imagine your summer job consisting of this conversation 100 times a night:"

DRIVER: Um, that'll be $23.52.

CUSTOMER: No, I called before eight, that actually took thirty-four minutes.

DRIVER: I am sorry valued customer but Domino's Pizza no longer honors the thirty minute guarantee anymore thirty minutes is just an estimate I apologize for the inconvenience.

[CUSTOMER LAUGHS. THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE]

CUSTOMER: You're serious? What a f*cking crock, you expect me to pay for this? I just saw the ad on tv!

DRIVER: Sir, calm down-

CUSTOMER: F*ck you, this is all your fault! If the advertising people were here I'd punch them a lot but because they're not I'm gonna pretend that you're them and by beating you it will somehow solve things!!!

DRIVER: Please don't-

[CUSTOMER STARTS BEATING DRIVER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE PIZZA...]

"On Behalf Of All Former Delivery Drivers, I Say F*CK YOU, Domino's Pizza" [Best Week Ever]