When we posted Brice's story, we listed the names and email address format for E*Trade's executives, and encouraged Brice to fire away using the methods in The Ultimate Consumerist Guide to Fighting Back. The results:

Dear Consumerist,

I wrote you a bit ago for help getting my money back. I had emailed the etrade execs the day after the post aired on your website, and was ignored. I than decided I'd do one more mass emailing and then I'd just take them into the legal system. This time I kept the letter extremely short (the first one was about 4 sentences and asked them to rectify the situation). This one just said I'd like to be contacted with my account numbers and phone numbers provided. I decided I was not going to be easily ignored this time, so I sent 8 emails to every executive in 3 minutes time. 1 hour and 38 minutes later my phone rang from a fellow from etrade. We did have to jump through a couple hoops, all of which could be done via fax and he explained and got back to me on every occasion. Today, I got my checks and my accounts were successfully closed. On an ironic note, 3 days ago I received a letter saying that my account has only earned interest for a year and had no withdraws or deposits and if I didn't withdraw or deposit with in the next year the money would be turned over to the state.

Hooray for Brice for staying on E*Trade for all this time, and kudos to E*Trade for at least accruing interest on the money they were holding hostage.

I could not find a way to contact AOL to stop my service. So I took a yellow marker, drew a line though that line item on my credit card bill, and wrote on the bill...."Do not pay, account in dispute". I paid all the other items on the CC bill that month. It took AOL about 2 weeks to call me.....I told them what I thought of their service, and instructed them to terminate my account, while I was still on the phone. It worked. They seem to understand when you tell them you are not going to pay.

Brice had been trying to close his E*Trade account since mid-2007, but E*Trade wouldn't let him. E*Trade had put his account on "lockdown," and although he could check his balance, Brice was unable to make withdrawals or deposits. Numerous calls and letters were of no help, and E*Trade had begun to get sick of his attempts to get access to his money, so they decided to cancel his account. Except they didn't. Brice can still check his account info online, and to his surprise, he's still earning interest on the balance that E*Trade won't give back.

Hello,

I'll start out by saying, I loved E*Trade at first, $25 to open accounts, so I opened 2 and after the $25 everything was smooth for the first 2 months. I loved the 1 day transfers because I didn't have to lose 3 days interest like sending money around with the rest of banks. Soon after that my account went into a lockdown. The first 2 months their customer service reps were quite nice and would give me addresses to mail to, let me talk to supervisors. I've mailed them letters and have confirmations, yet they "don't have them"; one rep even told me the account notes said a letter was received, but the letter wasn't there and no one had it and to just resend it. Soon after this I can no longer talk to a supervisor, they will just hang up on me and tell me to write them a letter. So exactly 2 months ago to the day; I received a letter telling me they decided to close my account. Well I'd been trying to close it for 8 months prior; but this time it's their decision. I almost jumped for joy when I read the letter because I figured they had a competent closing system where I would get my check. Guess what; I still don't. I can still login - my account is accessible online, but I can't transfer money and anytime I try to withdrawal via ACH [Automated Clearing House, an electronic banking network often used for direct deposit and electronic bill payment], they return saying NSF (not sure how) and they do in fact keep paying me interest (small perk). They refuse to do anything and all letters are being ignored (apparently). I would try an EECB, but no one seems to have any corporate email addresses, and corporate phone numbers are impossible to access.

Lynne writes:

Just found your site — thought I would share my recent tribulations with Poland Springs customer service. I canceled my home delivery in July 2007 and am still getting invoices and/or deliveries. Numerous calls to customer service were of little help. My last conversation with their accounts receivable rep threatened my credit and hung up on me.

You are not kidding when you say it takes some digging to find the corporate honchos in charge of customer service. Following is the letter I recently sent to the VP of Customer Relations:

Re: Account number 0429851934
Dave Muscato
Vice President, Customer Services and Operations
Nestle Waters NA
777 West Putnam Avenue
P.O. Box 2313
Greenwich, CT 06830

Dear Mr. Muscato:

As a loyal customer of Poland Springs water, I felt it imperative to convey my disappointment in the way my home account was handled recently. To simplify, following is the timeline of events:

July 2007: For five years, I received deliveries of Poland Springs water and had my account paid via American Express directly. In July 2007, I called customer service to suspend my account because we sold our home and our new one would not be ready for at least 5-6 months. However, I noticed my credit card was still being charged in subsequent months for water deliveries to my old address. I immediately called back Poland Springs customer service (at 1-800-950-9396) to rectify.

August 2007: The representative assured me that this was a mistake and that the charges would be reversed. Unfortunately, it kept happening every month, with my having to call each time to ask to have my account cancelled so as not to incur any further charges.

November 2007: I am moved into the new home. A week later, I received a new delivery of Poland Springs water, which I did not ask for nor authorize. I again, called immediately and asked that the account be cancelled and have the driver come pick up the water. Again, I was assured that this was an oversight. The driver picked up the water.

December 2007: The following month, on December 24, I received yet another delivery. This was getting like the Everybody Loves Raymond episode with the Fruit of the Month Club. Exasperated, I again called customer service and asked, yet again, for the account to be cancelled and to please stop sending water. The driver came back a day or so later to pick up the water.

January 2008: In all of this, I was still getting my American Express charged. I alerted the card company that these were unauthorized charges. On Jan. 7, 2008 I spoke to Crystal and was assured, again, that this was the end of the account and that my Amex was no longer associated with Poland Springs.

February 2008: On February 28, 2008, I received another invoice from Poland Springs for $27.24 (not charged to my Amex). On March 3, 2008, I called customer service and was told that this was due to an old chargeback and that I owed them the balance. I am at my wit's end at this point, as I have not accepted any water deliveries from Poland Springs since before July 2007. I was told by the representative that she could not zero out the account, but someone from accounts receivable will call me within 48 hours to straighten out.

March 2008: Today, on March 4 at 1:15 PM, I received a call from a representative from Poland Springs accounts receivable. He did not give his name. He kept telling me I owed him the money. I tried to explain that this account has been closed for some time and I do not owe Poland Springs anything. He kept repeating "Do you not understand what I am saying? You owe us the money." I told him I did not and would not pay it. He then responded "Fine. This will be on your credit report" and hung up on me.

I myself am a vice president of marketing and customer service and understand the importance of speaking to and truly listening to customers. This response by a representative of your company was totally and unequivocally unacceptable and I do not appreciate a threat to my credit because the representative was unable or unwilling to address the situation.

I called your customer service department yet again, exasperated, and spoke to a gentleman named Frank. He remembered one of our previous conversations in December, and finally zeroed out the account then and there. I truly hope that this is finally the end.

While your products are great, it seems that there is quite a disconnect between customer service and operations that needs to be addressed. Needless to say, you will no longer have me as a customer, but I felt it unfair to just walk away without explaining the circumstances and hopefully alert you to an operational breakdown that can be repaired.
I appreciate your reading this letter. I have sent you a hard copy of this note, as well.

Sincerely,
Lynne

He's been trying for days with disappointing results:

I have tried 5-6 times in the last 3 days to cancel my MySpace account, and they don't appear to be allowing me to do so. Are they that worried about losing people to Facebook?

On their website, I was able to go through the "cancel account" rigmarole, only to be told that they would send me an email in which I there would be a URL I had to click on, in order to confirm my desire to cancel. I have not received any such emails from them, despite repeated attempts — not in my In Box, not in my Spam folder, nowhere.

I have sent two messages to customer service; the first one I got back an automated message telling me to follow the steps on their website that I had already done, and the second time I got an automated message saying someone would get back to me. That was a couple days ago.

How Do I Delete My Account? [MySpace]

Yahoo! Music was painless to cancel, but Napster took a half hour:

Napster
What a pain. There's no way to cancel online, so I called the cancellation number (800.839.4210) and waited on hold for about 20 minutes listening to messages like "Did you know that your Napster subscription lets you access over 5 million tracks? Please hold, and a customer service representative will be with you shortly."

A woman came on the line and asked me a bunch of questions (Was this my first call? Could I confirm my email? Is there a phone number on which she could call me back in case something goes wrong with the call? Can I hold again?). Granted, this is two days after Christmas, but still, I wasn't too happy at how long this was taking.

When she took me off hold again, I told her I wanted to cancel because 2007 was the year 3 of the major labels started selling music without DRM. Back on hold.

She came back — presumably after consulting a manager or the internet to find out what DRM is — and then responded, "I don't understand, because all of our music contains DRM." Back on hold. This time, I told her I wanted to cancel because the files were DRMed, and she finally canceled my subscription.

Total time for cancellation: 30 minutes and 32 seconds

In the settlement AOL did not admit to wrongdoing but did promise to make it easier for its few remaining customers to cancel. AOL also agreed to pay $3 million. From the AP:

"Consumers who called were put on hold or transferred repeatedly until they hung up in disgust," said Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, [ed. note- Rock Star!] who described AOL's practices as "outlandish and underhanded."

The settlement requires AOL to issue refunds to consumers who can show they were still charged monthly fees after trying to cancel their services. AOL's fees currently range from $9.95 to $25.90 per month. Tiede said the multistate investigation didn't estimate how much money AOL might have to refund.

AOL to pay $3M, reform cancel policies [Yahoo!]
(Photo:Maulleigh)

PREVIOUSLY: Happy Birthday To Cancel The Account!

I tried to help you...Now you're going to get offended by the way I speak?...I am some brown from Brooklyn from Brownsville, Brooklyn, NY...I'm not changing my voice for you or no one else. God blessed me with this, you understand? And this is how I talk. I don't sound sweet. I don't have a sweet voice, OK? I don't have one.

Great job, Crapitol One! You just lost a(nother) customer! — BEN POPKEN

Truth 505 says,

"Whats up the consumerist I love the site, me and all my pals in Alb NM before we got laid off would get a good laugh the way u stick it to AOHell, anyways I'm writing you to let u know I'm a hiphop artist and I wrote a song about some of the stuff that went down @ aol the title of course is "F AOL" feel free to put it on your site and play it as much as you want, AOL has been a greedy company for years and its a shame they have no more call centers in the USA but call themselfs still AOL,, I'm not sure if u guys knew that but there are no more US reps there all outsourced to mexico india and the phillipians what a shame.........

HERES THE LINK TO MY SONG GIVE IT A SPIN IF U WANT PEACE"

Hot. When is the video coming out? — BEN POPKEN

f*** AOL [TRUTH 505]

Our tipster thinks this is so AOL can avoid responsibility for bad customer service/evil retention operators by blaming any shortcomings on a third party.

Not to mention it nicely dovetails with Time Warner Inc's overall strategy of acquiring communication companies and running them into the ground while squeezing out every last penny possible.

The sale is said to be finalized on 12/15, just in time for Christmas.

A reliable tipster reveals the buyer of the Ogden, UT, AOL call center that spawned John and Vincent's "Cancel The Account!!!!" call.

"Teleperformance USA is buying this call center — talk about taking a step down for those employees - they pay less and don't give a crap any more than aol

A moment of silence for these poor souls. May they some day complete their GED's and get better jobs.

UPDATE: A lively discussion about this has surfaced on a local newradio messageboard in Ogden. There's comments from both the "Merry Christmas AOL you SUCK" and "I work for AOL in Ogden. It is one of the best places I have ever worked" crowds.

AOL will close its call centers in Albuquerque, N.M., and Tucson, AZ, and sell its Ogden, UT call center. The online provider will also fire 1,400 call center employees.

These AOL call facilities contained hundreds of people trained to trick you into not cancelling your AOL account.

The centers will close in mid-December, just in time for Christmas.

Which means we only have sixty or so days before one-thousand, four-hundred, soulless, job-hungry, zombies are unleashed upon an unsuspecting American public.

AOL to lay off 1,400 call center workers [Cnet] (Thanks to Vincent!)

In this case, it was a malfunctioning Capitol One credit card. Bart found that despite only having a $50 balance, it had suddenly stopped working. He tried calling Capitol One to resolve the issue, but no dice — in fact, they wanted to chare him $10 just to let him speak to a human. So he just pounded the cancel key and immediately found himself whisked away to a very helpful customer service agent who was pleased to immediately resolve his problem as long as he pretty-please-didn't-take-his-business-elsewhere.

Naturally, this is going to work on more companies than just Capitol One, because everyone wants to "retain" you! Bart's email, after the jump.

I have a Capitol One credit card that I wasn't using, and after getting promoted recently at work, I found myself taking frequent business trips. I just found it easy to use the Capitol One card for business transactions to keep everything on a separate statement. Things have been working fine until this last month.

I tried to charge a rental car and another airline flight, and both were rejected. I decide I need to call Capitol One because my statement online shows I'm up to date, and I only have just over $50 balance on the card and that payment has already been sent.

It's then that I found that calling Capitol One and actually speaking to a human being is impossible. Go ahead, call them if you have an account with them, and try to find a way to just talk with a customer service rep about a problem like mine. I finally just decide to fake out the system and act like I wanted to make a payment. Come to find out they charge $10 freaking dollars if you want to talk to someone to make a payment. Damn!!

So I just get tired of pushing buttons on the phone and decide to cancel the card. If I can't use it, and they won't provide a way to fix it, then I'll just cancel the damn thing (I'm reading that's easier said than done...but what the hell).

I actually get someone on the phone then. She confirms my identity and then asks why I want to cancel my card. I tell her I can't get it to work, so I want to cancel it. She then quickly looks at my account and says "We sent you another card, and your current card was deactivated." I say I don't understand why that was because the current card didn't expire until 2010, and I never saw the other card. She says that she sees that the other card was never activated, and she's not sure why another one was sent my way. So I tell her either get the one in my hand to work or cancel my account. Two seconds later I have a working card again.

So if you want to talk to someone, just act like you want to cancel the card. But the lady was very nice and quick when I did get her on the phone, but you shouldn't have to fake out the system just to talk to a real live human being.

They mean...

The billing has been cancelled, not the account, which is still yours and active. Which means you're still ours.

They say....

"First, your free service is active. This new service, which takes effect immediately, includes..."

They mean...

Just so you know, you're tacitly agreeing to this "service."

This is the same as local newspapers giving away free subscriptions to boost circulation numbers. Except in that case, they need your okay to start delivery, whereas in this, they're just tricking you into staying on the roster.

Previously: AOL's Guide To Just A Super Fun World-Class MRM Call

Previously: AOL's Guide To Just A Super Fun World-Class MRM Call

Click to expand.

OLD

NEW

Digg this story.

Our anonymous AOL call center insider mailed us again, this time with a scan of the Rosetta Stone that AOL's CSRs use to translate your strange gibberish asking for account cancellation into a language that they can understand: "Keep me signed up!"

Click on it to enlarge. The most important thing to notice here when trying to cancel your AOL account is the "Cancel Billing Close", located at the bottom of the scan. It reads:

Okay, I'm canceling billing on your account as of today. Keep in mind you can continue to use your AOL Mail and Software for free as long as you'd like to use them. Since we are no longer providing your Internet connection, we still want you to be able to enjoy AOL. You'll no longer be charged a monthly membership fee! for AOL. Does that take care of everything?

Most people at this point say "Yes!" but our correspondent warns us that, really, what you want to do is emphatically say "No. I want to be completely cancelled, not migrated to the free service." AOL's free service, after all, is a slippery slope. Our correspondent says: "If you say NO to the Cancellation Close - only then can we cancel and give a cancellation number."

Why you don't want AOL Free: "Even if the member completely cancels their account, they can go online to AOL.com and log in with their old/existing user name and password and their account will work just as the free account does, except they don't have an active billing account just a free unattached email service."

Of course, this AOL CSR "Guide to a World-Class MRM Call" script flow should only really have two branches. "If member says he wants to cancel, CANCEL immediately. Otherwise, try to retain."

There's just way too much observation in our correspondent's email to summarize. Specifically, there's a fascinating look at how AOL internally reacted to Vincent Ferrari, how the service got better for a time, but the introduction of AOL Free led to 7 out of 10 calls being cancellations, which just sent the customer service spiraling again into frustrating obfuscation.

The full email of our AOL insider, after the jump.

I have enclosed AOL's cancel script/flow. It's a 16x12 paper that is placed on our pods. I had to scan it in 3 sections and then use photoshop to stitch it. The original scan in photoshop (psd) extension is 63MB so I had to image size it several times to bring it down to 2 MB.

The script you are looking for is towards the bottom of the scan. It's called the "Cancel billing close"

Cancel billing close

Okay, I'm canceling billing on your account as of today. Keep in mind you can continue to use your AOL Mail and Software for free as long as you'd like to use them. Since we are no longer providing your Internet connection, we still want
you to be able to enjoy AOL. You'll no longer be charged a monthly membership fee! for AOL. Does that take care of everything?

After reading this script, almost all members say "YES". In their mind they think AOL is now closed and AOL is just being nice by offering courtesy services.

When they say YES, we have to read a second legal disclosure that makes the free service legal.

Free services disclosure.

"First, your free service is active. This new service, which takes effect immediately, includes unlimited access to AOL via a high-speed Internet connection or a different dial-up ISP purchased separately from your local cable or telephone
company.

This service plan does not include dial-up Internet access and does not include live customer support. Due to the immediate update in your account status you are agreeing to waive any prepaid dial-up time remaining in your current bill cycle.

Although you will no long! er be charged any monthly membership fee, you will be responsible f or any other charges you might have incurred since your last billing date as well as any outstanding balance on your account and any premium services to which you have separately subscribed. An additional $5 monthly
charge will still apply if premium services or additional fees are paid through your checking account or telephone bill.

If you need further assistance or have any questions about your current services, please visit KW: My Account.

Thank you for calling today. "

Also take note of the highlighted part at the bottom. This is what gets me. If the member is irate or frustrated with AOL service and they want their service canceled, we are to read the cancel billing close. If they say NO - only then can we cancel
and give a cancellation number.

If they say YES, then when we read the "free services disclosure", when we say " your free service is active" then th! ey start yelling again at which point we will read
the cancellation disclosure. It is honestly the most ridiculous script I have had to read in all my years here. We are making an already frustrated member even more frustrated.

Anyhow you can draw your own conclusions from the member connect call flow.

I was also reading some of the post-replys of your readers. One of them mentioned "It is illegal, he didn't think AOL can do that - he is right. The FTC regulates this however when we read the second disclosure, where we say "your free services is now active" the member has now given permission to AOL to keep his account open and active.

The next one showed her account being debited a penny. This is proof positive that AOL has kept her account open and never closed it. Closed accounts show "Account closed" or "Account terminated"

The only way ! to show "account closed" is to close down the account. Tell you r readers to get a cancellation number.

Here is a secret:

Even if the member completely cancels their account, they can go online to AOL.com and log in with their old/existing user name and password and their account will work just as the free account does, except they don't have an active billing account just a free unattached email service.

The only way to make sure an AOL account has been canceled is to have the consultant give you a cancellation number. Canceled accounts don't originate billing or marketing and their emails and other services can still be used. If I
didn't get AOL for free and I had to use it, this is exactly what I
would do.

Believe me when I tell you, my piers are not too thrilled about what we have to read. Many consultants including myself have appealed to our supervisors and their managers but AOL corporate truly believes this action can turn t! he tide of
cancels. After the Vincent Ferrari scandal, AOL took a huge PR hit and told all consultants to be nice and cancel accounts on demand. They even changed our pay, we no longer get paid by saving accounts. It was all about helping the member whether canceling or otherwise. Then the free service was announced and 7 of 10 calls were cancels. After a couple of weeks of this, AOL corp introduced the new script which basically turns 90% of those canceling into free services.

Sorry about the long email. There is so much I can tell you about AOL but my goal here is simply to raise eyebrows at AOL corp, enough to change the script flow to a script that is not duplicitous.

What they are having consultants do is shady at best, illegal at worst. Either way - wrong.

It sure the hell is.

According to information we received from a current retention consultant, while charges are supposed to stop, all the billing info stays active, and the account is, "subjected to AOL marketing and third party marketing by email and by mail."

After working at a call center for seven years, he said, "billing errors were very common and by making your account free, this is no guarantee that the account will never be billed."

In addition, the retention consultant noted that AOL members can switch to the free service by going to Keyword: Change Plan, and choosing the free services option. "But now we are forcing them to have the free service anyway when they call to cancel even if they never want to use [AOL] again."

Why? "AOL Corporate is alarmed at how many members are canceling their accounts and not choosing the free services option, far more than previously expected," said the retention consultant.

America Online, will you never learn? No? Okay, good, because this stuff makes for great material. Really, you're a pleasure to work with.

A splash page for the refurb says, "In the beginning AOL was where you went for your Internet connection. But the online world has continued to evolve quickly — so we are reinventing ourselves. Say hello to the new AOL."

The company will still offer $26 a month dial-up accounts, but will no longer market them. Or presumably, try very hard to stop you from from cancelling them.

Nail, meet coffin.