First off I would have to say, I really love being a cable guy. It is a very respectable job, and I have been doing cable for just over 2 years. It's a decent job with good benefits. I love people. I love being around people. Particularly in the area I work in, I don't typically have to deal with your everyday morons. Most customers are very happy to see me arrive, and I am usually very happy to meet them as well.

Keep some things in mind though. First of all, we are human beings, and if we at any point realize that there is going to be a substantial amount of work to do in order to get your services up and running, it may and probably will become irritating.

And every once in a while, we get the one customer, and we just fucking hate you.

1. We call you to confirm the appointment and to let you know we're on the way. We get there. You're not home, so we leave, and we end up having to come back to do the damn job because you are liars and said you were home, when you weren't. We are on schedules you asshole. You can wait another day or until the evening to get your shit installed.

2. Your dogs shit everywhere in your yard. Pick that shit up, we have to work in it. Slob.

3. Your dogs shit in your house. Shoot your dog please.

4. Your children are climbing on us. Control them. I for one love kids, and love playing with them but put that bugger in the crib sometimes.

5. Your house smells like ass. Clean up your plates that have plants growing on them now. This bowl that had milk in it is molding and looks like green beans now. It's gross. Pick up your shitty diapers, and spray some air freshener or I'm coming back in with a surgical mask on (yes we have those), and I would prefer not to hurt your feelings.

6. Your router. Do it your damn self.

7. Offer us a drink, it's hot, we're probably going out of our way to make sure your shit works!

8. We're not going to assemble your piece of crap computer! We're not going to fix it either, we're the cable company, not Geek Squad.

9. We're not there to set up your surround sound system. We are not Circuit City.

10. MOVE YOUR CRAP OUT OF THE WAY!!! If we have to access your attic to change splitter configurations (or to do a wallfish), move your own shit out of the way, it's not our job to move your boxes and luggage in your closet. We're not Mayflower or any other moving company. In fact we're not there to move any furniture, electronics, computers, clothing, boxes, etc. IF ANYTHING HAS TO BE MOVED, YOU NEED TO MOVE IT OR YOU DON'T GET YOUR CABLE. If we break something we have to pay for it. Here's a solution, move your shit before we get there (ie. dressers, entertainment centers — move these AWAY from cable and AC outlets, so we have access)

11. If you are ordering Internet make sure you have a computer there for us to test it on when we arrive. common sense.

12. If you are ordering digital phone, you don't need a phone there (we have test phones), but don't expect us to run 3 phone outlets for free. the sh*t aint happening.

13. If your installation has to get rescheduled, don't flip out. Its not our fault your drop got cut and has to be road-bored, and we are only adhering to our companies policies.

14. You don't get a new box every time a new one comes out. That's not how it works. They are all designed to do the same thing. If there's a problem we'll replace it, but don't waste our time.

15. YOUR INTERNET IS NOT SLOW, YOUR COMPUTER IS!!! Take a few weeks to learn about how computers work. It's important nowadays because computers rule the world right now. 95% of the time, if the internet is slow, your computer either has too much porn/spyware/adware/virus, etc to properly function. Run the recovery disk or fix it otherwise. Because if the signal levels are correct, your internet is going to be fast. modems usually don't just go bad.

16. Dogs - A lot of us love animals but put those bitches up if they bite. It's not funny. That's why so many of my teammates hate dogs!! I love them, and most other animals but some of you idiots don't train your animals. Put the mean ones away somewhere (preferably somewhere that is not important to the cable installation).

17. Put some damn clothes on. It was your choice for you to have us there at 8am, not ours. I'd rather be sleeping still. So get your ass up.

18. Coax wiring — don't try to do it yourself, because you probably don't know what youre doing. Radio Shack and Wal-Mart coax cable sucks. It's usually RG-59 equivalent and is good for nothing. We use RG-6 or better. and the connectors, and dielectric/outer sheet layer differences on our cable make worlds of difference. Thanks for trying to help, but trust us on this one.

19. If your house is over 450 feet from the tap (or pole) don't expect premium services (digital cable, internet, or digital phone) to work well, if they work at all. You probably shouldnt even have cable.

20. If you are ordering digital cable, make sure you have a working TV there for us to test it on when we arrive.

21. Contractors are hard workers, but there are bad eggs everywhere (contractors & in-house alike). Some of us were contractors before we worked directly for the company! Don't hate!

22. Don't get an attitude, when speaking to the tech, unless the tech has one first.

23. We physically CANNOT give you free HBO. your set-top box is provisioned from the office, not from your house.
This request, although typically offered for humor-purposes, is getting old.

24. THERE IS NO CABLE SWITCH. YOUR CABLE IS NOT TURNED ON WITH ANY TYPE OF SWITCH OR SIMILAR DEVICE. IN FACT: Less than 1% of my jobs are connected properly with good parts where I only have to connect it at the tap. We almost always have to tone outlets out, sometimes run new ones, scrub old ones, add equipment to your account, correct job codes, etc.

25. If we are not assigned your installation, we do NOT want to pick it up early. Unless the tech is VERY bored with no other work, he will probably not want to do it early, don't ask.

And finally. If you feel like we did a good job AT LEAST let us know, and gratuity is nice too. You tip the Pizza man and wait staff at a restaurant right? Well they are just doing their job, and if they are nice and give you the service you want, you tip them. We work harder for our money, and we are way underpaid too, so don't be shy!! We remember these things!

We don't expect $50 or anything crazy like that, in fact we don't expect anything, but if we have to spend 3 or 4 hours crawling your house to rewire it, and hang a new aerial drop just so you can have service. Come on. And be nice to the service/repair techs too!! They have WAY more experience and they have to work just as hard (or harder) to fix an issue the installer left behind.

Somehow, this guy makes Jim Carrey's character look well-adjusted.

CUSTOMERS - WE F*CKING HATE YOU [Cable Rant Forums] (Thanks to Long Island Pc Tech!)
(Photo: Getty)

Cablevision writes:

"There is no direct connection between the digital transition of broadcast television stations that will occur across the nation in early 2009 and Cablevision's decision to transition away from the duplicate analog feeds of a certain number of channels that we already carry in digital format.

Unfortunately, Cablevision goes on to say:

Neither our customer service training, nor our customer communications, link the two in any way."

As for Cablevision's training, we spoke with four customer service representatives and each one said the same thing. These weren't rogue agents conjuring up their own unsupportable explanations. Two CSRS put us on hold to consult their materials, came back, and repeated their assertions.

When we asked the agents to tell us who instructed them to mention the FCC, they expressly stated that they were following Cablevision's training. We strongly suspect that if we (or you) called back, we would again receive the exact same answer. Could all the agents have made the same mistake, and lied about their training? Absolutely, but Occam's Razor seems to shred any suggestion of a coincidence.

Cablevision admits that their agents repeatedly provided incorrect information. Two questions remain: Are they now lying about their training; and, how will the FCC admonish Cablevision for their deceptive and predatory behavior?

PREVIOUSLY: Cablevision Blatantly Lies To Subscribers As The FCC Twiddles Its Thumbs
Cablevision Uses Digital TV Transition To Upsell Basic Cable

Cablevision is lying to customers by claiming that the FCC will require all subscribers to upgrade to digital cable boxes in 2009. Digital cable boxes cost $6.50 per month, plus an extra $10.95 for digital service. Cablevision recently sent a letter to all boxless subscribers threatening to cut several channels unless they forked out a bundle of extra cash for digital service. When one of our family member called for an explanation, Cablevision shirked responsibility and placed the blame squarely on some crazy new FCC mandate. We called shenanigans and decided to call back and record our chats with several customer service representatives. Inside, the recordings of Cablevision lies and the FCC's flaccid response.

Before we get to the recordings, let's look at Cablevision's fairly innocuous letter:

40 million American families don't use a digital cable box. Assuming all cable companies use Cablevision's rates, operators stand to pick up an extra $698,000,000 per month by convincing all 40 million families to shell out an extra $17.45 for digital service. That small piece of change is worth more than the yearly GDP of several small nations.

Cablevision is well within its bounds to charge whatever it wants for service. They can tell us we need a cable box, and that service will now cost $300 per month. That's a freedom afforded by the market. What they can't do is cowardly hide behind the FCC and blame their money-grubbing on the government. Let's listen as they try to do just that:

We spoke with four representatives, each of whom blamed the FCC for forcing us to upgrade to digital cable. We asked one representative how this information was conveyed to the CSRs, and she explained that Cablevision had specifically trained them to point to the FCC.

Let's be perfectly clear: the FCC decision has absolutely nothing to do with the channels Cablevision is taking away, nor does it require anyone to upgrade to a digital cable box.

Don't believe us? Let's see if we can find someone to refute Cablevision.... Maybe Cablevision is up to the task?

We spoke with two representative at the FCC who claim that several cable companies have engaged in similar deceitful and fraudulent actions. According to the representatives, the Commission is powerless to take action. One even defended the cable companies, saying:

"Most of [the cable companies] are blaming it on the FCC. It's easier for us to take it. We have broad shoulders, you know? We're the ones who have to explain it to all the consumers anyway when they find the 800 number and then they start calling and asking us: "why is my cable company doing this to me? I want to file a complaint."

Unfortunately, there are no mandates for good customer service. I wish there was! I would really like there for to be a mandate that says: "I'm sorry, but people on the phone at my cable company have to be nice to me and they have to tell me the truth." I wish there was, but there's not.

A mandate for good customer service couldn't be enforced by the 82nd-airborne, but lying? Regulated companies should not be allowed to lie to their customers.

Thankfully, the bespectacled bossman helming the FCC takes a different view. Chairman Kevin Martin recently slammed retailers for lying about the digital transition, dishing out several million dollars worth of fines to Sears, Best Buy and Walmart. Why can cable companies lie, but not retailers?

We know that Chairman Martin is a good guy who likes consumers. Let's go back and listen to the sweet consumer-protecting swan song he sung so graciously in our defense last year:

If the cable companies had their way, you, your mother and father, or your next door neighbor could go to sleep one night after watching their favorite channel and wake up the next morning to a dark fuzzy screen. This is because the cable operators believe that it is appropriate for them to choose which stations analog cable customers should be able watch. It is not acceptable as a policy matter or as a legal matter.

Kevvy was announcing that cable companies would be required to carry broadcast channels (CBS, NBC, ABC, etc...) until 2012, and not Travel Planet or RAI, which Cablevision is preparing to yank. The Chairman did, however, explicitly endorse our right to enjoy cable service without a box, and Cablevision's right to require us to rent one:

...the Commission is not forcing consumers to purchase or lease a set top box to continue watching their favorite channels. This decision lies in the hands of the cable company. They can avoid the need for new boxes bychoosing to downconvert the digital signal into analog at their headend. This downconversion would permit analog cable subscribers to continue watching broadcast television just as they do today without disruption.

This isn't the first time Cablevision has used the DTV transition to beat customers like cash-spewing pinatas. The cable giant was previously caught sending letters to prospective customers telling them that TV would disappear in 2009 unless they started paying $240 per year, despite the availability of $20 converter boxes that will keep the Price Is Right up and running.

Cablevision is clearly engaged in a pattern of deception and fraud. The FCC has a responsibility to investigate and admonish Cablevision for their abusive conduct. Predatory upseling simply cannot be tolerated in a responsibly regulated marketplace.

PREVIOUSLY: Cablevision Uses Digital TV Transition To Upsell Basic Cable
Sears, Best Buy, Wal-Mart And Others Fined For Not Warning Consumers About Analog Obsolescence
FCC Takes Action To Prevent Cable Companies From Dropping Digital Broadcast Networks From Analog Cable

That's not cool with the FCC. They've recently ruled that cable companies must continue to provide access to broadcast networks on analog cable until 2012. FCC Chairman Kevin Martin says:

This item, at its core, is about the consumer. It is about ensuring that all Americans with cable - regardless of whether they are analog or digital subscribers - are able to watch the same broadcast stations the day after the digital transition that they were watching the day before the transition. If the cable companies had their way, you, your mother and father, or your next door neighbor could go to sleep one night after watching their favorite channel and wake up the next morning to a dark fuzzy screen. This is because the cable operators believe that it is appropriate for them to choose which stations analog cable customers should be able watch. It is not acceptable as a policy matter or as a legal matter. The 1992 Cable Act is very clear. Cable operators must ensure that all local broadcast stations carried pursuant to this Act are "viewable" by all cable subscribers. Thus, they may not simply cut off the signals of these must-carry broadcast stations after the digital transition. The Order we adopt today prevents the cable operators from doing just that.

FCC Adopts Rules to Ensure all Cable Customers Receive Local TV Stations After the Digital Television Transition (PDF)
(Photo:marike79)