(SchuminWeb)

Accused Walmart Shoplifter Flees Very, Very Slowly On Motorized Shopping Cart

Usually when someone commits a retail crime, it’s of the utmost importance to get away from the scene of the infraction as quickly as possible. But what if you just don’t feel in the mood to walk? That’s the reason a woman accused of shoplifting at a Michigan Walmart gave for boosting a motorized shopping cart to scoot herself away from the store. [More]

(digitized chaos)

Man Decides Ferrari Is So Nice, He Allegedly Steals It Twice

It must be pretty cool to own a luxury sports car, enough so that one man allegedly couldn’t give up the chase to have one in his possession. Police say a California man didn’t just swipe a Ferrari once, but twice, after abandoning it the first time, only to seek it out later at the impound lot. [More]

(frankieleon)

Police: So A Man Breaks Into A Bar… (And Takes A Nap On The Kitchen Table)

I know, I know, I ruined the joke’s punchline. But that’s because it isn’t that great of a joke to begin with, it’s just ridiculous that someone would break into a business just to take a little snooze, as Pennsylvania State Police say one man did recently. [More]

(Renee Rendler-Kaplan)

Some Jerk Stole Entire Crop Of 100 Onions Grown By Fifth-Graders

By now, we’re unfortunately used to the idea that grown adults who should definitely know better will steal from children — the Girl Scouts have been dealing with cookie-related thefts every season and it’s always a bummer. But come on, swiping an entire crop of onions grown by elementary school kids? That is just low, jerk. Whoever you are. [More]

Police: Two Guys Soaked Shelves Of Walmart Merchandise With Deer Urine

(SchuminWeb)

I can’t help it — I’ve been struggling and now it’s time to let it out: “Kids these days! Spraying doe urine everywhere, ugh!” Exasperation is the only emotion I can imagine — okay, and extreme disgust — at hearing the news that two youngish guys allegedly soaked the shelves of their local Walmart in deer urine. [More]

Keep your eyes peeled, L.A. (FoxNews.com)

California Authorities On The Hunt For Illegal Albino Cobra On The Loose

There’s a reason there are rules about which pets you can and can’t have. A cat? Sure, have one of those! But you couldn’t bring a tiger home and toss it a yarn ball. So if you want a snake — great! Mr. Slithers is a nice name. Bringing home a deadly albino cobra though, well that’s what’s got officials in Los Angeles worked up, after it escaped from whoever was keeping it. [More]

BUT WHICH ONE IS REAL?!?(Massachusetts State Police)

Driver Learns A Cardboard License Plate Drawn With Markers Won’t Pass Muster With Cops

We know, we know, going to the Department of Motor Vehicles is such a drag… all those lines and tickets and forms to fill out and grumpy people — ugh. But though it might be mighty convenient to draw up your own license plate instead of getting a new one the right way, you’re not about to fool any cops out there on the road. [More]

(Nicholas DiMaio)

World’s Worst Taco Bell Customer Grabs Employee’s Butt Through Drive-Thru Window

We understand that Taco Bell’s sole reason to exist is to sate customers’ gluttonous cravings. But while it’s okay to satisfy your lust for cheese and meat-like product with a burrito, it’s most definitely not okay to give into an idiotic desire to grab a Taco Bell employee’s rear-end. [More]

(Allison)

If You Bring A Baby With You To Shoplift At Walmart, Don’t Leave Her Behind

While we don’t condone theft of any sort, we are aware of the notion that having a baby with you while you shoplift might help create the illusion that you’re not a petty criminal who needs to be watched by store security. But if you get spotted trying to take advantage of some five-finger discounts, leaving that infant behind is incredibly uncool. It will probably also lead the police right to your doorstep. [More]

See all these people who aren't beating each other up or demanding an emergency landing? Let's all be like these people. (photo: Martin Rottler)

This Is Getting Old: Another Flight Diverted Over Reclining Seat Spat

First it was that United flight where a passenger used an illegal device to prevent the person in front of them from reclining. Then an air marshal on an American Airlines flight arrested a traveler who wouldn’t give up on his complaint about the woman in front of him putting her seat back. Delta now continues this trend, diverting a flight that was almost at its destination because one passenger thought her tray table was for napping. [More]

(PepOMint)

A Bunch Of Meanies Are Stealing Corn From Nice People In Connecticut

Just because something isn’t sitting in a store with a price tag on it doesn’t mean it’s free, people. Which is why it’s quite rude that big old meanies have been swiping corn at Connecticut corn farms, not because they’re hungry and in need of a snack, but to sell for 100% profit off the back of a truck. [More]

(Aubrey Arenas)

Couple Accused Of Stealing $16K By Exploiting Debit Card With Magically Increasing Balance

To my knowledge, there has never been an established, official “opposite day,” whereby spending money on products you actually magically increase how much money you have, much less an “opposite bunch of months” where this happens. So when a couple using a debit card that made them richer with every purchase realized what was happening, the legal thing to do would’ve been to pipe up. [More]

(frankieleon)

Taco Bell Bosses Accused Of Forcing Worker To Give Customers Fake Money As Change

We would all be a lot richer if we could each invent our own money but alas, that’s just not how it works (I’d be a millionaire if only I could buy stuff with high fives, sigh). Which is why officials are none too pleased with the operators of two Taco Bell locations in New York, after a worker claimed she was forced to pass fake cash to customers as change. [More]

AirBNB Squatter Brothers Quietly Leave Their Ill-Gotten Condo

AirBNB Squatter Brothers Quietly Leave Their Ill-Gotten Condo

The AirBNB squatter nightmare is over…as far as we know. The owner of the property filed an unlawful detainer notice, which is part of the legal eviction process. While the squatters didn’t respond to that notice before their Monday deadline, instead they quietly left the condo, leaving surprisingly little damage. [More]

(Madeleine Holland)

If someone tries to sell you an 800-pound wok, the police in Wichita, Kansas would like to hear about it. The Associated Press reports that earlier this week, the massive piece of cookware was stolen from the Bamboo Express Asian Cuisine restaurant while it was sitting outside. Moving the wok most likely required more than one person, and police could really use some leads. [Associated Press] (Thanks, Derek!)

This is a person on a Segway. (pbm.)

Norway Marks The Legalization Of Segways With First Drunk-While-Segwaying Arrest

As my cool cousin Charlie once said, laws are made to be broken, man. That’s certainly true in Norway, where someone already got arrested for driving a Segway while under the influence of alcohol a month after the country legalized the electric scooters. This is why you can’t have nice things, Norway. [More]

(KOAT News)

Let’s Guess What Happens If You Drive A Stolen Shopping Scooter To Meet Your Probation Officer

There are many things you can do to make sure you don’t go get in trouble with the law for another go around, but a surefire way to hop right into that hot water again? By boosting a ride and driving it to a meeting with a probation officer. [More]

(Don Hankins)

Woman Accused Of Faking Cancer To Get Donations Arrested On Her Way To Film TV Show

An Illinois woman who’s been accused of pretending both she and her son have cancer in order to scam people out of money was reportedly on her way to film an interview for the Dr. Phil show when cops caught up with her, warrant in hand. [More]