(KHOU 11 News)

Literal Lowdown Thief Crawled Through Store To Steal Wigs Meant For Cancer Victims

Listen, we’re not the type to throw around the word “literally” like all those people who annoy the heck out of everyone else by claiming that they are “literally starving.” You’re not, but we can say that a man who crawled through a wig store pilfering hair meant for cancer victims is literally a lowdown thief. Because of the crawling, and because stealing from people in need is awful. [More]

(Alan Rappa)

Calling 9-1-1 To Report A Fake Murder Won’t Get You Out Of A Speeding Ticket

Getting pulled over for speeding is no fun, of course — but when those sirens come on, most responsible drivers accept that they’ll just have to face the music and take a ticket. One Florida man had bigger ideas than getting a ticket — and by “bigger” I by no means “better,” because reporting a murder that didn’t happen is just not going to work out. [More]

(Click2Houston.com)

Guess What Happens When Robbers Go After Money At A Gas Station Staffed By MMA Fighter?

If you guessed: “A lot of kicking,” from the above headline, you’d be right. A pair of accused robbers picked the wrong gas station clerk to mess with in Houston — unless they somehow decided to tussle with a semi-professional mixed martial arts fighter on purpose. [More]

(Van in LA)

Man Who Tried To Rob Pizzeria Sues Restaurant For $260K, Claiming Unnecessary Roughness

A man who’s in jail for several robberies including an attempted robbery at a pizza restaurant in Delaware is now suing police and several employees of that eatery for $260,000, claiming they were unnecessarily rough in subduing him. [More]

The original Yelp review has since been deleted, but not before the Internet saved this screengrab for posterity.

Restaurant Turns Yelper’s Lame Abortion Joke Into Fundraiser For Domestic Violence Crisis Line

Just like the rest of the Internet, Yelp is not immune to idiots who pepper their “reviews” with boorish, sexist statements that are probably intended to be funny. Most businesses would simply ignore this sort of non-feedback, but a restaurant in Portland (the one to the upper-left) saw a chance to turn a cheap abortion-based semi-joke into a worthwhile cause. [More]

(maybeemily)

Robbing A Bank While Wearing A Shirt With Your Name On It Isn’t A Great Plan

If only all suspects would do police the favor of wearing their identifying information on their shirts, the world would no doubt be a much more peaceful place. Alas, not everyone can be as courteous, but police in Denver say a man accused of robbing a bank did them a solid by displaying his first name right there on his shirt. [More]

(Jon Gos)

Drunk Guy On His First Flight Makes Rookie Mistake, Confuses Cabin Door With Bathroom

Because we all don’t possess nerves of steel when confronted with the reality of flying through the air in a big metal box, essentially, it’s understandable that a guy going on his first flight effort would have a few drinks to relax. But maybe someone should’ve warned him about the propensity for doors to become confusing when you’re under in the influence. [More]

Safe for work -- he's got skivvies on. (Southwest Florida Crimestoppers)

Everybody Wants The Night Shift After Naked Hamburglars Steal A Bunch Of Beef From Eatery

There’s nothing like a bit of a “bad boy” image to turn even upstanding, law-abiding citizens into admirers — and by that I mean, there’s nothing like the sight of three (mostly) naked men stealing from a restaurant in the middle of the night to make staff laugh. [More]

There’s “I’m Unhappy With My Hair” Mad, And Then There’s “Throwing Salon Chairs” Mad

(ashi)

It is a customer’s right to express dissatisfaction with a paid service, but that right doesn’t extend to throwing, chucking and otherwise tossing anything you can get your hands on in an angry fit. According to cops in New York City, that’s how one woman reacted to a hairdo gone wrong. [More]

(Great Beyond)

Vandals Ruining Perfectly Good Pastries By Smearing Them All Over Cars In Oregon

As responsible consumers, we feel that the waste of delicious food in order to wreak havoc on others is a downright waste, if not a crime against cuisine. You have to respect the stuff we eat — there’s a reason your parents told you not to play with your food. Respect. Also, it’s gross. [More]

(Otherstream)

Kroger Pharmacist Accused Of Taking Up-Skirt Photo By Squatting Next To Customer In Line

It’s an unfortunate reality in this mobile world we’re living in that people who shouldn’t be taking photos of say, the view up a person’s skirt, can now more easily do so with these handy devices we all have at the ready. That’s what has one Kroger store pharmacist in hot water in Georgia. [More]

(Nicholas DiMaio)

Shoplifter Tries To Steal From Macy’s, Leaves Shirt, Bra, And Purse Behind

The woman suspected of shoplifting last night at a Macy’s store in California may be a little confused about how this whole “shoplifting” thing works. Police say that a loss prevention officer spotted the woman slipping items into her purse, and tried to detain her. Her shirt and bra came off during the altercation, and she fled the mall topless. [More]

(marike79)

Police: Woman Tried To Smuggle Sex Toy Out Of Store In Her Kid’s Stroller

It’s always a sign of questionable parenting decisions when bad consumers involve their kids in their nefarious schemes, and at the least, is likely to teach those future consumers all the wrong things. So it’s with a sigh that we have to tell you a woman allegedly tried to sneak a sex toy out of a Spencer’s store by hiding it in her kid’s stroller. [More]

(Flyinace2000)

Beware Scammy Facebook Pages And Fake Charities Taking Advantage Of Flight MH17 Tragedy

It is a disgusting reality that when tragedy strikes, there’s always going to be someone out there trying to take advantage of it for personal gain. That’s what’s happening in the wake of downed Malaysia Airlines Flight 17, which was reportedly shot down over Ukraine Thursday on its way to Kuala Lumpur from Amsterdam. All 298 people aboard the Boeing 777 were killed. [More]

Straw to the brain, Linklater style.

Director Richard Linklater’s Tip To Deal With People Texting In Movies: A Straw To The Brain

First of all, let’s be clear: Violence is never the answer, and you should not hurt your fellow human beings. But if you don’t want director Richard Linklater to stab you in the brain with a straw, don’t text during the movies. Because he seems pretty serious. [More]

Man Accused Of Burglarizing Chicken Restaurant, Returning For Lunch

Man Accused Of Burglarizing Chicken Restaurant, Returning For Lunch

We aren’t in the business of giving advice to criminals, but a man in Costa Mesa, California might want to rethink his brand loyalty to El Pollo Loco. After you burglarize a place, it’s probably a good idea if you don’t return for lunch on the same day. At minimum, change your clothes first. [More]

(Morton Fox)

Guy Arrested For Allegedly Stealing Beer Says He’s “Wrongfully Accused” Of Ordering 5 Pizzas From Jail

A man accused of boosting beer and being drunk in public somehow found himself in more trouble after he was booked at the police station, with officers claiming he used his cell phone to order a pizza delivery under the name of his arresting officer. [More]

(smohundro)

Taco Bell Employee Accused Of Shooting Bitey Drive-Thru Customer With A BB Gun

There’s just something about the drive-thru — maybe it’s the implicit promise of speed in its name –that makes any kind of wait extra aggravating. And by aggravating, I mean, unfortunately, that things can get testy enough for BB guns and biting. [More]