• RiteAid buys Brooks and Eckerd. Choose the path of light, be ye not like Walgreen's.
• Ministry of Japan, which is not a band, orders Sony and Dell to investigate blazin' batteries. Unverified sources claim the prime minister is curious as to whether batteries can fly single seater jets.
• Communist party branches open in Walmarts across China. Capitalism and Communism slated for giant fuckfest. 9 months later, they birth a baby. A baby named Apocalypse.
• Adventures in obvious headlines, "Wall Street escapes crime crackdown: Investment bankers largely avoid charges."
• Ok, so maybe she's a winsome pixie and the Orleagian snowballs are, "fluffy concoctions of ice, flavor and condensed milk so delicate they immediately begin to puddle in the heat," and he's a post-Katrina entrepreneurial success story... but how's their customer service? Huh? HUH?
• McDonald's number two man quits via flameout email screed. Grimace gets the nod.