Don’t get me wrong — I’ve nothing against animal crackers. I just haven’t eaten one since I was old enough to spell my name, and I’m not alone in having outgrown the novelty of biting off the heads of vaguely sweet, vaguely animal-shaped snack crackers.
In fact, the mammoth jug-o-animal-crackers we bought at Costco last summer to do this story on the warehouse store’s lack of childproofing on its detergent packaging has not even been opened, even though every visitor to the Consumerist Cave has been greeted with “Welcome… have some animal crackers, please.”
Animal crackers are a part of our history and yes, I guess they make a fine thing to shove in the mouth of a complaining, hungry kid, but giving them their own day — presumably at the behest of Big Animal Cracker and its allies at Big Milk — seems like giving out a “Not-Bad Attendance” award or a honoring a .215 hitter in baseball for simply being above the Mendoza line.
And yet, National Animal Cracker Day may not represent the nadir on the food holiday curve. As this calendar on Food.com shows, there are food-themed holidays basically every single darn day of the year, and the following are just some of the so-called holidays that have no need to exist:
January 10: Bittersweet Chocolate Day
On which we celebrate the chocolate you accidentally buy when not paying attention to the label.
January 22: Blonde Brownie Day
In honor of a dessert that would go well after a meal of jumbo shrimp and chicken cheesesteaks.
February 18: Crab-Stuffed Flounder Day
A celebration of a food that apparently some people somewhere eat.
March 6: Frozen Food Day
In remembrance of all the pizza rolls, frozen peas, and other foods that gave their lives to freezer burn.
April 24: Pigs In A Blanket Day
Because regular size hot dogs get all the glory…
May 6: Beverage Day
For those who have forgotten to consume liquids.
June: National Iced Tea Month
An entire month to ruminate on the wonders of taking a hot beverage and serving it cold.
July 1: Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day
Don’t you dare try to pass off a carton of neapolitan at this party; you’d just look like a fool.
July 15: Gummy Worm Day
An entire day just for one particular form of gelatin-based candies.
August: National Panini Month
Four weeks during which to celebrate every aspect and variation on sticking a sandwich between two hot pieces of metal.
August 31: Trail Mix Day
Here’s a day for that one jerk on your block who taints your Halloween loot with granola.
September 6: Coffee Ice Cream Day
Not so long ago, this might have been able to fall under the July 1 Creative Ice Cream Day celebration, but now coffee ice cream requires its own day apart from all others.
October 24: Bologna Day
This holiday has a first name; it’s “P-O-I-N-T.” This holiday has a second name; it’s “L-E-S-S.”
November 18: Vichyssoise Day
Gather the kids! It’s time to honor everyone’s favorite cold, potato-and-leek-based soup with a funny name.
December 30: Bicarbonate of Soda Day
If you can think of a better way to coast out the end of the year than spending an entire day celebrating baking soda, I’d say you’re delusional.