This Year’s Super Bowl Is Apparently Mordor (You Can’t Just Walk There), Also No Tailgating (Orcs?)

Metlife Stadium in Rutherford, N.J. is the site of the next Super Bowl. But it’s also akin to the ravaged and dangerous land of Mordor, a place where no one is allowed to sit in lounge chairs or grill sausages. The rules for the game have been set, and there’s no tailgating (orcs are attracted to cooking meat) and you can’t just walk into it.

The game’s committee CEO Al Kelly explained this week that the parking lot can be plenty of fun — if you stay inside your car and the boundaries of your individual parking spot, reports ESPN.com.

“You will be allowed to have food in your car and have drink in your car,” Kelly said. “And provided you’re in the boundaries of a single parking space, you’ll be able to eat or drink right next to your car. However, you’re not going to be able to take out a lounge chair, you’re not going to be able to take out a grill, and you’re not going to be able to take up more than one parking space. And it’ll all be watched very carefully.”

There will also be three ways — and three ways ONLY — the expected 80,000 ticket holders can get to the Feb. 2, 2014 game:

1. Chartered buses called the Fan Express will cost $51 and will pick up and drop off passengers at locations around the area.

2. Fans can take N.J. Transit to the stadium stop.

3. Fans can be dropped off by vehicles that must have parking passes. That means if any fancy pants celebrities want to roll up in a hired car, that car will have to have a pass for one of the 13,000 parking spots available to fans.

“Nobody’s going to be dropped off by black car,” Kelly said. “You can have a black car, a green car, a white car, a red car as long as you have parking, and the car needs to stay on the premises the entire time.”

Should you decide it’s a great idea to park farther away from the stadium and trot in on your own two legs, if the Mordor reference wasn’t clear enough: You can’t walk to the stadium, either.

“You cannot walk to the Super Bowl,” Kelly said. “You can get your hotel to drop you off at one of the New Jersey Transit locations or get the shuttle to take you to a Fan Express location, but you cannot walk.”

It’s expected that about 70% to 80% of fans will get to the game on public transportation or the shuttle bus. All this hullabaloo is due to the need for a larger security perimeter at the game — fans will have to go through screenings at the train station as well as again at the stadium, Kelly said.

How much you wanna bet that someone comes up with a grill small enough to pack into a compact car, thus leaving space in the spot for cooking? Just watch out for orcs (or stadium security).

No tailgating at Super Bowl [ESPN.com]

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  1. theoriginalcatastrophegirl says:

    if you subtract the chair, this mini kitchen with grill is still “in” the car and it’s a compact vehicle so there’s plenty of room

  2. CzarChasm says:

    Well, this sounds like it’s going to be lots of fun. Now all they need is some -5 degree weather and a blizzard. Whee

  3. Pacer says:

    “That means if any fancy pants celebrities want to roll up in a hired car, that car will have to have a pass for one of the 13,000 parking spots available to fans.”

    Yeah, right. I’ll believe THAT when I see it.

  4. MarthaGaill says:

    How would they actually prevent someone from walking up?

  5. PhillyDom says:

    The No Fun League strikes again!

  6. JasperBeardly says:

    Considering that their sport is FAR more entertaining to watch on television than to watch in person, the NFL are really pushing their luck this year with the outdoor, northern Super Bowl venue and all these silly rules.

    Oh, and the ludicrous ticket prices. But that’s every year.

    There has never been a better year NOT to go to the Stupor Bowl (though every year it’s pretty awesome to not go). It’s gonna be something like 2°F in New Jersey that day anyway.