5 Non-Drone Suggestions For Amazon PrimeAir

This is the drone Amazon showed off last night, but we think there are better ideas.

This is the drone Amazon showed off last night, but we think there are better ideas.

Last night, Amazon’s Jeff Bezos unveiled his not-at-all-fraught-with-problems plan to unleash an autonomous fleet of delivery drones into the air, which he says it at least another two years off because of those wet blankets at the FAA and their silly “rules.” So we thought of a few suggestions that might be doable in the interim.

1. Amazon HotAirPrime
Why use new-fangled octo-copters that can only carry a few pounds at a time when you can go retro and pack significantly more in the basket of a hot air balloon? Sure, you’re not going to get into the nooks and crannies of densely populated urban settings, but who said the balloon needs to land? Surely, Amazon could rig up a dropping mechanism that allows the package to fall safely to the ground at 9.8 meters per second per second. Think of the fun games the neighborhood kids could play trying to catch their Christmas gifts before they hit the ground!

Think of how many people would come out every day just to see the Amazon balloons fill up with parcels... and hot air, of course (photo: Don)

Think of how many people would come out every day just to see the Amazon balloons fill up with parcels… and hot air, of course (photo: Don)

2. Amazon PrimeCannon
30-minute delivery? Ha! If you live within the PrimeCannon’s firing range, you’ll have your package in a matter of seconds. And for those times when a customer’s signature is required on delivery, Amazon can just pack the cannon with one of its daredevil employees who will come screaming to your doorstep with a smile on his/her face.

It's not just delivery, it's a daredevil show! (photo: Christine Jackowski)

It’s not just delivery, it’s a daredevil show! (photo: Christine Jackowski)

3. Amazon PrimeParatrooper
It’s the holiday season and UPS/FedEx/USPS trucks are currently snaking around city streets, burdened with Amazon packages. We recommend cutting out the middle man and just loading up those packages on a plane and putting them into the hands of skilled paratroopers, who will descend from the heavens and bring them right to customers’ homes and offices. Then these brave men and women can catch rides back to the depot on the reasonably empty UPS/FedEx/USPS trucks.

With tandem dives, you can deliver twice as many packages! (photo: Monkey Nacho)

With tandem dives, you can deliver twice as many packages! (photo: Monkey Nacho)

4. Amazon PrimeVacations
Have you ever tracked an Amazon package coming from some other part of the country and thought, “Hey, I’ve always wanted to see that place”? Well, for a slight, few hundred dollar upcharge in your shipping fee, Amazon could fly you to the warehouse, where you’ll enjoy an all-inclusive vacation package, pick up your order, and deliver it yourself!

You'll never have to worry about trusting the delivery driver, when YOU are doing the delivery! (photo: MyToenailCameOff)

You’ll never have to worry about trusting the delivery driver, when YOU are doing the delivery! (photo: MyToenailCameOff)

5. Amazon PrimeSanta
Since Amazon is always looking to expand its network of distribution centers, may we suggest placing one directly on the North Pole? Not only does it put the company in a decent position to deliver packages to customers all over the Northern Hemisphere, the area is also fully stocked with magical flying reindeer who have been known to circumnavigate the globe in a single day. There is also a manufacturing center there, though they only seem to specialize in rag dolls, wooden trains, rocking horses and other stuff that was never particularly cool. So maybe Amazon can get them to pump out the next generation of Kindles — the Kris Kindle! (Sorry… it seemed funny when I thought of it.)

It'll be Christmas all year round when Amazon takes over the North Pole operations from Saint Nick. (Photo: Jaime Chapoy)

It’ll be Christmas all year round when Amazon takes over the North Pole operations from Saint Nick. (Photo: Jaime Chapoy)