Charmin Deploys Toilet Paper Sheet Shrink Ray, Slims Rolls Down

Sad news, Halloween pranksters: if you want to decorate a neighbor’s house with toilet paper (say, if they hand you a letter calling you fat instead of candy or a cheap toy) the property might seem slightly less decorated than in the past. Why’s that? The TP sheet shrink ray. 

Reader Ian made this handy collage, and sent along his notes on the discovery as well.

packageshrink sheetshrink

The Shrink Ray hit all toilet paper rolls a few years back, shrinking the standard roll width from the historical 4 1/2 inches to about 4 1/4 inches.

Just bought some Charmin Ultra Soft to see the Shrink Ray has hit a second time and the roll width is now less than 4 inches! (87% the width of the old standard)

Especially odd is that Charmin’s slogan is “Using Less Never Felt So Good”.

Do not like the direction this is going.

Charmin, at least, is the brand that’s the least coy in its ads about what that “bathroom tissue” is actually used for. We’ve chronicled shrink raying and sheet shrinkage of Angel Soft, Scott, and Northern

Companies claim that they’re not trying to short-sheet anyone: they’re constantly working on the latest in anus-swabbing technology, so their product is becoming bulkier and better able to handle the job. Okay.