We’ve got a bit of a special edition this week in our recurring funny Amazon reviews theme, in the form of a product that is actually in the news recently. Timeliness and humor, you say? Sounds like just the thing for a summer Friday afternoon.
For those of you who have never stood on your feet for hours on end, unaided and not allowed to lean up against gosh darn thing, and without bathroom or food breaks, you might not know what kind of shoe to buy should you be required to perform such a feat. Until, that is, Texas State Sen. Wendy Davis made news this week during her 10-hour filibuster while wearing pink-and-green Mizuno Women’s Wave Rider 16s.
As a result of her endurance, the Amazon reviews for the $115 shoes have seen a huge uptick across all star ratings. Wendy herself said in in interview this week that reading the Mizuno reviews have been “a lot of fun.” Usually I’d put an excerpt here, but I’ll just let the reviews stand on their own without any interference on this end.
Jordan writes that his mother bought Newman’s Own Con Queso cheese dip for a Mexican dinner, and everyone tasted it… then “immediately thought that it tasted like vomit. After looking at reviews on Amazon, it appears we are not alone.” To wit!:
I’ve been looking far and wide for a salsa or dip that tastes like vomit and has the smell of a soiled diaper. I am overjoyed to finally find such a product! In fact, I do wonder since this is a “Newman’s Own” product if the late Paul Newman himself upchucked into a vat after eating a copious amount of cheese. Even if not, the fact that this has the flavor of pre-digested cheese is a plus in my book!
Kris is tickled by the reviews for a yodeling pickle… But come on, who wouldn’t be tickled by a yodeling pickle? Don’t answer that. Just don’t try to eat it or expect it to sing “Baby”:
My twelve year-old niece asked for the Justin Bieber CD for Christmas, so I bought her this yodeling pickle. Nobody so far can tell the difference.
Are you in the market for a propane vapor torch? As Aaron points out, it can do so much more than just torch. But for the love of life, please, people, be safe when torching:
We just had a few inches of snow here in Chicago and I drove over it in the driveway. I ended up with icy patches of packed snow and figured I’d pull out Satan’s air conditioner. Not only did it melt those ice patches faster than a hooker drops her panties, it melted a five foot section of snow (about 3 inches deep) in front of the nozzle. Well, after that, I just had to screw around with it. I cooked a frozen hot-dog in less than 30 seconds. OK, “cooked” is the wrong word. I turned a frozen hot dog into a pile of ash.
Christopher found this terrifying review of a cat grooming bag when he had just gotten a new cat. Let’s hope this reviewer has healed — physically and emotionally:
The two 10 month old cats I’ve adopted are seeming savages and think nothing of tearing into me if I dare touch them. This is not the personas they presented when I decided to take them home with me, but that’s another story. The simple fact is this bag does not work and lulled me into a state of security that left me brutalized. In a matter of one minute it was in shreds and so were my hands. It was as if the devil himself at burst forth from Hades, accompanied by all his legions of demons. I was in tears and my wife was screaming as the kitten darted around the living room as if it was in a scene from Alien.
As always, faithful readers, I rely on you to provide more fodder for the masses (even if it ends up being an item Consumerist covered seven years ago before I had even a toe in the door and was still slaving away in the bowels of the porn industry). Send your nominees to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line FUNNY AMAZON REVIEWS.