After more than two weeks of dismemberment, disembowelment, and all-around good family fun, this year’s Worst Company In America tournament nears its finale, with only four contenders remaining with a chance at claiming the ultimate victory and clutching the Golden Poo.
As predicted by the Consumerist Oracle (namely our Uncle Jim, who is really good at darts), the top seeds from each of the four divisions now face off in the semifinals. This is not new territory for any of the still-standing contenders, which include two former WCIA champs (three, if you hold that a company can inherit a WCIA win through merger), and two companies that have come tantalizingly close to the Poo only to fall short.
EA vs. Ticketmaster
The reigning WCIA champ hopes to do what no other Poo-winner has done previously — repeat. The video game giant hopes to keep its tournament record perfect, having never even come close to losing a bout in its two years as a contender.
After running the tables in its rookie year, EA has only grown into a bigger WCIA powerhouse this time around, crushing Anheuser-Busch InBev under its foot without breaking a sweat, making confetti out of Facebook, and then finally shooting down AT&T’s Death Star.
Ticketmaster has been to the semifinals multiple times, and even made it all the way to the Ultimate WCIA Death Match against Comcast in 2010, but couldn’t muster up the strength to take down Kabletown.
Once again, TM has mastered its early round competition, rolling over Equifax before slamming the door on Sallie Mae’s face. Its victory over Carnival in the quarterfinals was nowhere near as decisive, leading us to wonder if Ticketmaster has what it takes to ever win the WCIA crown.
Bank of America vs. Comcast
Yes, Bank of America technically has a Golden Poo from Countrywide’s tournament triumph, but CEO Brian Moynihan must look at that Poo and see it’s stained by the orange hands of Countrywide’s Angelo Mozilo, whose shelf it should be decorating.
And that pain has only gotten worse for BofA in the last two years, first coming within a hair of beating BP in the 2011 Final Death Match of Ultimate Doom and then losing out in 2012 to EA. Bank of America did not get to where it is today by accepting second-best trophies.
Just look at the swath it’s cut through the tournament this year, fending off Capital One to start things off, then knocking Chase to the mat in the second round, before finally trouncing Walmart for the second year in a row.
But don’t count Comcast out. Sure, it seemed like the company got lazy after winning the Poo in 2010, but like another scrappy fighter from Philadelphia, this former champ has a few sequels in him yet.
And so far this year, Comcast’s round to the semifinals has looked like a montage out of a Rocky film (cue the Bill Conti score), knocking out T-Mobile with a single punch to its pink face, pinning DirecTV in a corner until it threw in the towel, and pounding on Time Warner Cable like a side of beef hanging in a meat locker.
Both semifinal matches will go live at noon ET on Friday. The contenders for the Absolutely Ultimate and Final Finale of Death (Until Next Year) will be announced on Monday, April 8.