The madness of March, when 32 bad businesses began pummeling each other mercilessly in an orgy of blood and denied extended warranties, has been refined and honed into the brutal fiery fury of April, as only eight names cling tenuously to their claim to be the Worst Company In America.
Here’s a quick look at the matches to take place in the electrified WCIA Battle-Sphere, suspended high above a shark tank full of killer whales.
BANK OF AMERICA VS. WALMART
Bank of America, which held off the viking and/or barbarian attack from Capital One in the first round and made Chase look like a chump in Round 2, has only one contender standing in its way of guaranteeing yet another appearance in the WCIA Final Four. Unfortunately for BofA, that contender is the nation’s largest, and most hated retailer. However, Walmart has not been living up to its size, barely beating Best Buy to start the tournament, then doing only slightly better against Sears to earn a spot in the quarterfinals.
EA VS. AT&T
It’s a battle of the initials, as last year’s champ, EA, tries to quiet any rumors of a sophomore slump. So far so good. EA absolutely destroyed the drunk multinationals maulers of Anheuser-Busch InBev and then pulled the hood over Mark Zuckerberg’s face and punched his company silly in the second round. At the same time, AT&T’s bouts have only gotten tougher. Sure, it mopped the floor with Verizon in Round One, but then it barely beat out Apple. AT&T will need a stronger showing if it hopes to continue.
COMCAST VS. TIME WARNER CABLE
Can you believe it’s been three whole years since Comcast took home the Golden Poo? After two years without making the finals, the boys from Kabletown seem to have a renewed energy, laying the hurt down big-time on T-Mobile and then shooting DirecTV right out of the sky. Time Warner Cable has had a pretty easy run of it too, but some would argue that it never really faced any competition until now, having made mincemeat out of smaller, regional provider Cablevision, and then it ran FedEx down with its own trucks. Is TWC for real, or is it about to get a major reality check?
TICKETMASTER VS. CARNIVAL
Perennial also-ran Ticketmaster has made it to the Final Four several times, and once all the way to the finals of WCIA, but it’s never won. After decisive showings against credit creep Equifax and student loan siphon Sallie Mae, it’s certainly earned a place here in the quarters, but does it have the stuff to beat this year’s rookie sensation Carnival? The cruise operator has left both its passengers and its competition stranded. First, it beat up United so bad, the airline was puking up lost luggage for weeks. Then earlier today, it turned Spirit into a ghost with a clear victory.
Just like the second round, there will be two bouts per day, one at noon ET and one at 3 p.m. ET, with voting for each lasting three hours.