Rural Wisconsinites Plagued By Naked People Having Sex In The Woods

Naked people on a beach is just fine and dandy with rural Wisconsinites up near the 1,400-person town of Mazomanie. But when those barenaked ladies and men start going off into the woods to perform the horizontal tango, or even worse, go at it on the sandbars in the middle of the river? Unacceptable.

The Associated Press (via NYT.com) says a particular stretch of soft, sandy shoreline on the Wisconsin River has been a popular spot for nudist around America for decades.

But now that Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources warden reports are sounding like letters to Penthouse Forum, residents say the outdoor intercourse is turning into a problem. In response, the agency says it’s going to close the woods around the beach to try to discourage the sexing.

“They were having sex right on the islands, the sandbars when the river was lower,” said one local, who owns property directly across the river from the beach. “People can’t understand something like that is going on. That’s a nice section of the river. I don’t know what fun they get out of that.”

Well, we can imagine a few ways they’re getting fun out of that, but that’s not the point. Nudists felt welcome at that beach since 1949, because of the liberalness of prosecutors in Dane County who didn’t care if people stripped to sunbathe. It’s a misdemeanor to expose your nether bits, but most district attorneys in that area don’t prosecute until someone causes a disturbance.

It seems the DNR isn’t having much luck discouraging those having sex in the woods and bushes, however, thus leading to the closure of 70 acres around the beach. It only takes a few naughty apples to ruin the whole barrel for everyone, after all.

Wisconsin Cracks Down on Sex, Drugs at Nude Beach [New York Times]

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  1. Blueskylaw says:

    If they weren’t disturbing nesting turtles or anything like that then what’s the big deal?

    s/

  2. YouDidWhatNow? says:

    I propose to walk around the area naked myself for $1,000 a day. I can guarantee you that no one will be wanted to have sex with anybody after seeing that. Will probably just clear the whole damn beach anyway. Problem solved!

  3. Judah says:

    Don’t understand what the big deal about this is. Were there a lot of screamers or something?

  4. dolemite says:

    “Look…we’re good people…law abidin’ and God fearin’. But by gum…it’s just unnatural…2 adults havin’ consensual sex in the woods. I tell ya, I’m glad Martha ain’t alive to see this today.”

  5. Cat says:

    The reason this is a problem is that most nudists are people nobody wants to see nude. And especially not bumping uglies.

  6. Cat says:

    I’m trying really hard to understand the consumer angle on this one. I’ve got nothing.

  7. polishhillbilly says:

    I’ll send you all the chiggers you want.
    you learn real quick, not to EVER sit or lay down in the grass in the south.
    and Poison Ivy for extra credit

    • UHF says:

      +1
      I was going to suggest planting poison ivy, but the chigger idea is brilliant! Those bastards itch like mad!

  8. Velifer says:

    The sex will be replaced with MMA cage fights. You know, to protect the children.

  9. bkginsu says:

    “They were having sex right on the islands, the sandbars when the river was lower,” said one local, who owns property directly across the river from the beach. “People can’t understand something like that is going on. That’s a nice section of the river. I don’t know what fun they get out of that.”

    You can’t understand what’s fun about *having sex*???

  10. voiceofreason says:

    At least they weren’t doing it in the TSA line.

  11. reznicek111 says:

    I’m surprised the infamous Wisconsin mosquitoes didn’t deter these folk, considered the square footage of exposed skin.

    • dolemite says:

      I live in the South, and we have some BIG mosquitoes. I thought we knew about mosquitoes. About 10 years ago I visited my ex-gf’s parents in MN. We went to pick some kind of berries in the woods. I was absolutely devoured by mosquitoes. They were teeny tiny things but the bites were very itchy, and there were tons of them. I had huge bumps and welts on my face when we came back.

      • Auron says:

        Yeah, the mosquito is the unofficial state bird here in MN.

      • DieBretter says:

        It was either last year or two years ago I went paintballing with some friends not too far from this particular locale. Let me tell you, on one forearm alone I had 83 mosquito bites. All told, I counted around 220 bites. God, I was miserable when they started to itch. But hey, if the squitos are out in force like that there and they can do it, more power to them.

        Better yet, when I went to a Brewers’s game the next day, people seriously thought that I was having an allergic reaction to something there.

  12. BigDragon says:

    Maybe they should ban wild bears, cougars, foxes, rabbits, and wolves from using those beaches and forests too. They’re not wearing any clothes, and we all know they don’t care if someone could possibly see them getting it on.

    People are way too self-conscious or concerned about how others look.

    • The Porkchop Express says:

      they don’t seem to care about the nudity, they care about the sex out in the open.

  13. atthec44 says:

    Mazomanie is in Dane County, Wisconsin. For those of you not familiar with Wisconsin, Dane County is often referred to as 1200 square miles surrounded by reality.

    • dolemite says:

      Is there a Fox News base of operations in there?

      • You Can Call Me Al(isa) says:

        No, Dane county is very liberal, the rest of Wisconsin tends to be very conservative.

        I was just telling a few coworkers last week that I wanted to go to the nude beach at Mazomanie, just to check it out. The “threat” of people having sex doesn’t deter me at all.

    • YouDidWhatNow? says:

      Nice…I’ll see you that quip and raise you this:

      “Dane county doesn’t just border on the ridiculous…it invaded and annexed the surrounding territories.”

  14. ThunderRoad says:

    I’ve been there a few times and have never seen anyone misbehaving. There always seems to be some religious protesters screaming at beach-goers, though, so I wonder if maybe they are embellishing a little bit.

  15. Loias supports harsher punishments against corporations says:

    The worst thing that happened to this country was it being founded by Puritans

  16. dourdan says:

    plant poison ivy

  17. weave says:

    Obligatory “pics or it never happened” comment.

  18. scoosdad says:

    How ’bout they post those kind of signs they have at the entrance to some amusement park rides:

    “You must be this big to have sex on this river.”

    (“This” is not their height. End of problem.)

    • CrankyOwl says:

      But then you’re discriminating against little people! What if Peter Dinklage wanted to have sex there??

  19. eezy-peezy says:

    Get a video camera with a zoom lens, post videos online. Maybe make some money.

    • gman863 says:

      Damn. You beat me to it.

      I was going to suggest “Cheeseheads Gone Wild”

      • Whtthfgg says:

        Nearly all are old flabby people…you have at that.

        • raydee wandered off on a tangent and got lost says:

          If it is pornographic, there is a market for it.

          • econobiker says:

            “bikers wearing diapers chasing nurses dressed like Smurfs”:

            from the silly song “Internet Porn” – by Da Vinci’s Notebook on Bob and Tom Radio show…yes broadcast over the air.

  20. LanMan04 says:

    That’s a nice section of the river. I don’t know what fun they get out of that.
    ———–
    Are you a nun?

  21. Fight Back Against David Horowitz! says:

    Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we were all a little bit more like bonobos? I say keep on fighting the good fight, Wisconsin nudists!

  22. JiminyChristmas says:

    Nudism in rural Wisconsin? Are people not eaten alive by mosquitoes and ticks?

  23. Whtthfgg says:

    Whoa….My hometown makes it on Consumerist, What do you know…

  24. Caveat says:

    Has me wondering where Adam and Eve did “it”.

  25. HogwartsProfessor says:

    Everyone keeps talking about the mosquitoes. I shuddered just thinking about having sex on a sandbar. You know sand isn’t kind to delicate bits.

  26. Professor59 says:

    Wisconsin DNR should probably not visit Rittenhouse Square after dark, then.

  27. DCwiExplorer says:

    I guess it’s not just unionized teachers, bus drivers and prison guards getting screwed in Wisconsin!

  28. JGB says:

    No harm done…unless they were secret service agents. Then everyone needs to stop what they are doing and talk this s**t to death

  29. Mambru says:

    If you wear a condom, are you stil considered a nudist?

  30. kelrod says:

    Metatron: So, for their insolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed back into Paradise.
    Bethany: Were the sent to Hell?
    Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.

  31. Happy Tinfoil Cat says:

    If you stop them there, they’ll migrate to the populated areas just like the wild animals do. Is that what you want people, to have them near elementary schools? Think of the children!