Testing For The Best Toilet Paper For Treating Your Tushie Right

Let’s face it. using the right brand of toilet paper for most people is a matter of personal choice. But did you know that there’s a whole slew of tests that experts use to evaluate TP? After all, you’ve got to treat your delicate parts right.

The lab rats at our brainy sister, Consumer Reports, recently determined that two brands of White Cloud toilet tissues are rolls of heiny wipes they’d recommend.

But how did they came to distinguish the best toilet paper in the land? Take a look at the video and you’ll see it wasn’t a nasty–or easy–job.

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  1. MonkeyMonk says:

    I only use toilet paper with lotion. Carmin Sensitive is my current favorite with Cottonelle a close second. It doesn’t appear that either of these were included in the CR test.

    • tooluser says:

      Costco’s Kirkland brand is excellent and very cost effective.
      I learned that here on Consumerist.com, and it is true.
      That kind of info is why I still visit this site.

    • tbax929 says:

      Cottonelle is the only brand I buy. I do the subscription thing on Amazon, which makes it really affordable.

      • SmokeyBacon says:

        We are a Cottonelle only household too so I will have to check out Amazon. I am usually pretty lucky to find it on sale, but if it is a decent deal on Amazon it would be nice to not have to lug it home.

  2. gman863 says:

    Toilet paper is the Poster Child for the Shrink Ray.

    Bac in the early ’70s, I remember when a roll of Charmin had 650 sheets (or 2600 sheets in a 4 roll pack). Today, 2600 sheets is roughly equal to a 16-20 roll package. A “double” or “triple” roll is still a fraction of one regular roll 40 years ago.

    Every time the number of sheets drops, comsumers are literally taking it in the ass.

    • Blueskylaw says:

      But what about: 12 of our GIANT rolls equals 24 regular rolls?

      So they are essentially saying that if their paper was considered a “regular” roll, it would be half the price of any other regular roll.

      • gman863 says:

        I think Charmin still makes “regular” rolls in a 4-pack. I haven’t checked recently, but I suspect each regular roll has about 100 sheets of asswipe.

    • healthdog says:

      I will not be literally taking toilet paper in the ass, no matter how much it costs, thank you.

  3. BrownLeopard says:

    I make my own toilet paper at home….with Justin Beiber and Lady Gaga pictures.

  4. dolemite says:

    Scott! nuff said.

    • lovemypets00 - You'll need to forgive me, my social filter has cracked. says:

      Especially if you have a septic system, and not public sewer service. Scott and only Scott at my house.

    • BennieHannah says:

      We do have a public system and there’s one toilet in our house that will clog if we don’t use Scott. It’s not super soft, but then…I’ve always wondered about people who need cushiony or oily toilet paper. What the heck’s going on down there that a split second contact three or four times a day is going to make a huge difference?

  5. Vox Republica says:

    Ahem, don’t you mean bathroom tissue?

  6. Fast Eddie Eats Bagels says:

    I use the three sea shells.

  7. TheMansfieldMauler says:

    I order all my toilet paper online just because I think it’s hilarious that UPS brings me toilet paper.

  8. ahecht says:

    To remove the suspense, the winning TP (and the CR Best Buy) was the $0.25/100 Sheets toilet paper from the Walmart brand “White Cloud 3-Ply Extra Soft and Thick”

    Also recommended were the $.38/100 “Quilted Northern Ultra Plush” (not as strong or good at disintegrating, but easier to tear than the winner), $.27/100 Walmart “Great Value Ultra Strong” (similar to, but not as strong as, the winner), $.19/100 Walmart “White Cloud Soft and Thick” (similar to, but not as strong as, the winner), and $.40/100 CVS brand “Premium Ultra” (similar to, but not as strong as, the winner).

  9. kataisa says:

    TMI ALERT!

    I don’t like toilet paper that’s so fluffy it breaks apart and leaves pieces of it in my bum.

    /JUST SAYING/

    • mbz32190 says:

      Exactly why I stopped buying Cottonelle and the other fluffy stuff…omg that stuff left “pieces” all over the place. Now I go with whatever is cheapest at the grocery store…usually the store brand (likely Scott), Scott, or Marcal.

  10. Blueskylaw says:

    I only use that brown wood pulp paper that they used to use in Communist Europe when I travelled and stayed there for months at a time. I learned to bring (and ship ahead) my own American toilet paper and people couldn’t believe that we had such stuff. They also wanted to buy my Levi’s blue jeans and sneakers right off of my body. Now that I think about it, I could have become a millionaire really easy if I could have just bought in bulk over here and shipped the stuff over for barter.

  11. GenXCub says:

    Did consumerist send the brand of the least comfortable TP to the winner of the golden poo?

  12. Fishnoise says:

    A family member has irritable bowel syndrome of the diarrhea variety, so we take our toilet paper seriously. (Hint — if you visit China, try not to pick up a gut infection.)

    Charmin & White Cloud both clog our terlets — Cottonelle has exactly the right texture and dissolution rate for optimal household satisfaction. Don’t care less about cost per sheet when it’s your a** on the line.

  13. bosozoku says:

    I use the Lamb’s Ear leaves that grow profusely in my yard and environment. Environmentally friendly AND super fuzzy.

  14. LJKelley says:

    I don’t see how you can possibly test for best toilet paper. It is impossible. Some people like it soft but that stuff just shreds on me. Oddly sticking with store brands has worked for me, its soft but not too soft like Charmin.

  15. Libertas says:

    I prefer poodle skins.

  16. Doug Nelson says:

    I installed the Danco 2003C GoBidet and I’ll never go back to paper again. Eliminated my hemorrhoid flareups and I’ve never felt cleaner.

  17. DemosCat says:

    Forget all the fluffy stuff. Here’s an ad for a REAL man’s toilet paper.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTvjRyv0c5M

  18. tooluser says:

    It’s the one with the least sodium. Duh.

  19. Rick Sphinx says:

    BJ’s brand (like Angel Soft), is only $.17/100 sheets, or $1.03/roll, cheap as they come. I buy locally also Scott Professionsal (Kimberly Clark) #04460 box of 80 rolls. Same price really as BJ’s, but instead of 300sheets per roll, it’s 600sheets per roll, so you get the same price, but have to change roll less often.

  20. Insert nickname here. says:

    Just so you know – Georgia Pacific, one of the leading bathroom tissue manufacturers, is a subsidiary of Koch Industries. You might want to think twice about patronizing them. Here’s a handy list for you to boycott: http://www.gp.com/foryourhome/bathtissue.html

  21. corridor7f says:

    I really have never noticed a difference, honestly. The cheap stuff, you have to use more of.. but that’s the extent of my observations.

    I suppose I have a rugged derriere for a lady.

  22. Cactus Wren says:

    ScotTissue. 1000 sheets per roll, that’s all I need to know.

  23. Finsternis says:

    Just get a bidet/washlet. WAY more sanitary, WAY cheaper (in the long run), and feels WAY better. Also faster. A no-brainer. I buy like two rolls of toilet paper a year. The bidet paid for itself years ago and I love it so much more. Think about it – what else do you clean by wiping it with dry paper? If your kid took a sticky brownie and smeared it on the wall, would you wipe it with a dry paper towel and call it clean? No, you’d use water or cleaner. Treat your butt at least as well as you treat your wall.

  24. dg says:

    “My man uses Macho Wipe, or he doesn’t use anything at all!” – Lorraine Newman, SNL Skit, Circa 1980 (Macho wipe was sandpaper on a roll)

    Seriously though, what I look for in TP? Cheap, and strong enough to keep the *&^(*&(*& off my hand.

  25. FLConsumer says:

    I asked a plumber what the “worst” toilet paper I could use in a toilet was. He said Charmin Ultra. That’s exactly what I bought and haven’t looked back since. It’s nice & soft.

    Yes, it’ll clog crappy builder-grade toilets, but so will anything. Get a commercial-grade Toto toilet and you could probably flush blue-jeans down it. And your posterior will be thankful.

    I’ve also been looking at getting a Washlet, but the Toto ones are still quite pricey. Anyone use one of these?

  26. zantafio says:

    If a toilet paper is good enough for a bear to crap in the woods, it’s good enough for me, therefore I go with Charmin.