Walgreens Goes All Out In Effort To Convince You To Buy Sex Toys

Not only does Walgreens.com have a wide variety of “Sexual Wellness” products, from the usual lubrication and condoms all the way to vibrators and “Adult Toys for Men,” they’re really not holding back when it comes to the descriptions of each item, and why you’d be crazy not to buy them.

This kind of stuff could be NSFW, by the way, if you’re in the habit of reading aloud to your boss. There’s also no age gate on the site where you would enter your birthdate to verify being older than 18, so, there’s that.

As HappyPlace.com points out, there’s a particularly gung ho copywriting situation going on for the “Tenga Flip Hole for Male Masturbation Black.” Let’s just say whoever wrote this description really, really wants you to know how awesome it is.Take it away, eager copywriter!

Tenga Flip Hole is designed to be the best male masturbator on the market. The Tenga Flip hole is deliberately not a simple artificial vagina – it is better. Filled with silicone ribs; nubs; gates; flaps; and pumps; the Tenga Flip Hole has an astonishing complex inside shape. Every centimeter of it has a particular function. Its flexible casing with buttons allows a total control of the stimuli

We’ll let you read the rest on your own.

It would seem that the manufacturers provide the copy and Walgreens was just like, “Shrug! What do we know about sex toys? Sounds good to us!” Why not get straight to the important features? It’s the customer’s right to know, so they can make an informed decision.

In any case, we’ve got to give it to Walgreens for not holding anything back in its pursuit of your sexual wellness business.

Walgreens website makes bold entry into sex toy market [HappyPlace.com]

Comments

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  1. SkokieGuy says:

    “Filled with silicone ribs; nubs; gates; flaps; and pumps….”

    Sorry, but I am getting an image of Get Smart walking through that long tunnel with all the barriers, gates, flaps…….and hearing the theme music.

    • Evil_Otto would rather pay taxes than make someone else rich says:

      Thanks, that’s going to be stuck in my head all day.

      /stuck in my ‘head’, get it?

    • Duke of URL says:

      Skokieguy, you owe me a monitor-cleaning! I was drinking coffee when I read that and laughed so hard my cat went under the bed.

    • Blueskylaw says:

      I’ll have the image of an up-right enclosed English
      phone booth on my mind now for the rest of the day.

    • Applekid ‚îÄ‚îÄ‚î¨ Ôªø„Éé( „Çú-„Çú„Éé) says:

      Funny, I imagine Breakfast Machine

    • El_Fez says:

      “You know Chief. Regulations require the Cone of Silence. . . .”

  2. Evil_Otto would rather pay taxes than make someone else rich says:

    Cue protests from uptight angrily-celibate Fundie assholes in 3.. 2..

  3. Loias supports harsher punishments against corporations says:

    I don’t have sex with anything that doesn’t have flaps and pumps. Period.

    • Happy Tinfoil Cat says:

      I don’t have sex with anything that doesn’t have flaps and pumps and a period.

      fixed that for ya.

  4. McRib wants to know if you've been saved by the Holy Clown says:

    Yes, but does it come in pink?

  5. Cat says:

    “ribs; nubs; gates; flaps; and pumps”

    Sorry, that’s just too much machinery, located much too close to my Willie…

  6. Flik says:

    I’d love to see the look on the cashier’s face when she rings you up — they tend to either be high school girls (“Ewwwww!”) or old biddies (“Let’s see…. a pack of mints, a People magazine, some toothpaste, and oh….something with ribs, nubs, gates, flaps, and pumps. How nice. Do you have any coupons today?”).

    • temporaryerror says:

      Funny, yes, but only sold online. Probably the same look I got when I was a teenager working at Osco Drug and ringing up female condoms and lube for my friend’s stepsister.

  7. LiveToEat says:

    Sounds like a rabbit for men.

    On a side note…. LOVE MY RABBIT!!

  8. scoosdad says:

    And the fake reviews have started:

    Pros: cheaper than a real date, no conversation needed

    The strange thing is this product isn’t listed anywhere under their Sexual Wellness category and doesn’t show up in either their general site search, or a search by that particular manufacturer. I predict it will be gone very quickly once Walgreens takes a look at this. Stock up now while you can.

  9. BadIdeaSociety says:

    Gates?

  10. Oddfool says:

    Not sure if it gives the same related items every time, but when I clicked on the link, on the right you can see “Related Items”. Not sure how related a Sundesa BlenderBottle, Kellog’s Special K20 Protein Water Mix, or a Brita Water Filtration System Bottle are to this product. Not sure if I even want to find out.

    • Oddfool says:

      Ok, for giggles, I checked again. Sometimes it has the same products, other times it offers different “related” products. This time I got the Clorox Liquid-Plumr Clog Remover. Ouch.

  11. Kuri says:

    Well, I did find a “personal massager” on a clearance rack the other day.

  12. missy070203 says:

    you should read the reviews for the female toys….. lol….

    some people actually put on the cons list they wish is was bigger (meanwhile actual dildo they are rating is like 7-9 inches long already)

    some people are never satisfied – always wanting more-

    • falnfenix says:

      they probably want girthier toys.

    • magnetic says:

      The length is less intimidating when you realize that you need to be able to hold it by something. I hear men complain about this all the time. Longness isn’t the point of a penetrative toy.

  13. Jane_Gage says:

    “The Tenga Flip Hole Black provides a tighter interior sleeve for a noticibly different feel from the Flip Hole White.” Shouldn’t the white model provide the “tighter grip” (AKA the small penis demographic)?

    • Applekid ‚îÄ‚îÄ‚î¨ Ôªø„Éé( „Çú-„Çú„Éé) says:

      That would be the “Tenga Egg”

      (or so I hear)

  14. Solkanar512 says:

    So what? Our culture could stand to be a bit more sex-positive.

    By the way fundies, masturbation doesn’t lead to abortions!

  15. NotEd says:

    My Wiener says, “Buy 2!”

    • Applekid ‚îÄ‚îÄ‚î¨ Ôªø„Éé( „Çú-„Çú„Éé) says:

      My two wieners agree “cut a hole in the other side, too”

  16. Yomiko says:

    These comments make me think I’m on Fark. Full of win, but still…

  17. Fast Eddie Eats Bagels says:

    Can I return it if I don’t like it?

  18. D007H says:

    The description sounds pretty tame for a sex toy. Just search for Tenga on Youtube, because there’s a fair amount of weirder stuff than that.

  19. shthar says:

    $80!!!!!!

    Another overpriced item at a drugstore.

  20. ironflange says:

    If God wanted us to use something like that, why did he give us hands?

  21. Cacao says:

    Even in Alabama?

  22. Dami-chan says:

    They don’t need age verification because they don’t sell pornography. I’m a store manager for a store in the mall that sells these types of items and they are not age restricted nor are we required to i.d. anyone for being in the section. Your local porn shop checks identification because you need to be 18 to buy pornography which is 50% of a shop like that. Walgreens and the gift store in the mall only sell toys.