Legislator Calls For Ban On Imaginary Practice Of Using Aborted Fetuses In Food Products

Because the lawmakers of this nation don’t have real-world issues that need to be resolved, a state senator in Oklahoma has introduced legislation that would finally put a stop to the abominable, completely nonexistent practice of using tissue from aborted fetuses in food.

Senator Ralph Shortey from Oklahoma City claims that his independent research on the Internet convinced him to call for the ban in an attempt to raise “public awareness” and give an “ultimatum to companies” that might someday think about putting fetuses in your cookies and potato chips.

An FDA rep tells the Associate Press that “FDA is not aware of this particular concern,” and even the executive director of Oklahomans for Life tells the AP, “I don’t know anything about that.”

For some reason, not every member of the Oklahoma state legislature thinks it should spend its time banning fictional practices.

“We’ve got too many challenges facing Oklahomans today. We don’t need to go looking for possible challenges that may come about sometime in the future,” said Sen. Brian Crain, chairman of the Senate Human Services Committee. “If it can be demonstrated that this is a challenge facing our food supply, then I think we need to act quickly, but there’s been no demonstration that this is going on… I’d hate to think we’re going to spend our time coming up with possibilities of things we need to stop.”

Next up on the agenda, what to do with the state’s surplus of canned unicorn meat.

Okla. senator wants ban on human fetuses in food [Chron.com]

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  1. ellmar says:

    Soylent Green – IT’S LEGISLATORS!

  2. mauispiderweb says:

    Reminds me of the patron who insisted she didn’t have to pay her overdue fines at the library because she, “thought about returning the books on time.”

  3. FrugalFreak says:

    unelect this man for using nonsense to draw supporters. He can’t do a real job but an imaginary one.

  4. Cat says:

    Senator Flounder?

  5. IT-Princess: I work in IT, you owe me $1 says:

    There would never be a surplus of canned unicorn meat, are you crazy???

    Have you ever HAD Unicorn??

    It tastes like gosh darn magic and leaves your tummy sparkly.

    I like this guy because I too do not want fetus parts in my chocolate chip cookies. I feel this should not be a reactive issue.

  6. trimetrov says:

    We should probably go ahead and lock this guy up now, since he could potentially do something crazy or dangerous, you know, sometime in the future, maybe, or whatever.

  7. DJ Charlie says:

    Coming soon: Torgo’s Legislator Powder! Twice as effective as Executive Powder, and with a new legal scent!

  8. RandomHookup says:

    Is it only human fetuses or is okay to have the fetuses of other species in our food?

  9. Marlin says:

    Let me guess, republican?

    • Greg Ohio says:

      From the Chron article:

      “He sponsored a measure last year to crack down on illegal immigrants by authorizing law enforcement to seize their homes and vehicles, and to deny Oklahoma citizenship to babies born to illegal immigrants.”

      He’s violating two provisions of the Constiution right there, so, yes, Republican.

      • RandomHookup says:

        I’m just curious what the real value of Oklahoma citizenship might be to someone who is a US citizen…

      • nicless says:

        Listen, if you guys want the Liberals to come out in support of partially hydrogenated fetus oil in all baked goods, you make sure you elect the right people. The Republicans want fetus farming to stop! http://www.technovelgy.com/graphics/content07/crowd-farm-matrix.jpg

      • Actionable Mango says:

        It’s sad you don’t recognize that BOTH parties are tearing up the Constitution.

        Are you aware Obama just signed a bi-partisan bill that enables the US military to pick up US citizens inside the USA and detain them indefinitely in military detention without charge or trial?

        Republicrats, Demopublicans, whatever.

        • Marlin says:

          I agree I think both parties are getting worse but this type of BS smelled like something the republcian party would do.

        • Greg Ohio says:

          I’m well aware of that. So, this year, I’m going to support Obama’s re-election. Next year, I’m going to support the ACLU which will sue him. Kinda like suing myself!

          Seriously, Justices Ginsberg and Kennedy are likely to retire during the next President’s term. replace them with a couple more Scalia’s, and there will be no point in suing over NDAA.

        • Kate says:

          Well there’s bad and then there completely pathetic and brain dead.

  10. Costner says:

    My Congresswoman is spearheading the drive to prevent the EPA from regulating farm dust… something the EPA has no intention of doing. So this doesn’t really shock me.

    They try to justify these preemptive strikes, but they are really just trying to justify their existence by acting like they are the only people who care about these (fake) issues, which they will then use during campaign season.

    I’m just curious why none of them have proposed a process to ban habitants of Mars from illegally entering the country, or ensuring deep sea fisherman disclose the amount of mermaids they catch in their nets each month. And don’t even get me started on that damn tooth fairy not having a license to practice dentistry.

    • kosmo @ The Soap Boxers says:

      Are you suggesting that inhabitants from Mars be forced to land in international waters and use their ships as houseboats?

      Because that’s what you’ll have, if every country follows suit and tries to ban them from entering.

      Do you really want our oceans clogged with Martian houseboats?

      • Greg Ohio says:

        We need to amend the Constitution to deny citizenship to illegal aliens. Kang and Kodos, especially. Come to think of it, I could make quite a career out of legislating against reality. What’s the filing fee in OK?

    • NewsMuncher says:

      If you bar Mars natives, what happens when Newt takes us to Mars, we have babies, but our kids decide “Mars Sucks!” and want to return to the US?

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/23/newt-gingrich_n_1225895.html

      [I think that space travel is important and that if we want to be free to have as many children as we want, we may need more real estate in another century or two and that means getting crackin' on that now-ish. Or else, you know, figure out a way to tunnel across multiverses into unclaimed neighboring Earths. Or this:

  11. raydee wandered off on a tangent and got lost says:

    Trying to be the new Florida?

  12. Eremis77 says:

    Snipes should also be put on the endangered species list, and no further hunting licenses be issued for them!

    • raydee wandered off on a tangent and got lost says:

      Won’t anyone consider the poor Nauga’s? their hide is used everywhere, and nobody CARES!

    • Greg Ohio says:

      “Curious George’s thought patrol are out there hunting snipe.” (Primus) Again, I blame Republicans.

  13. Buckus says:

    Well, I’m glad legislators are taking on the very important issues of…oh, WTF, I can’t pretend this is anything but an idiot. I guess he sort of fits right in with other elected persons, then?

  14. Quixiotic... Yea it's a typo (╯°□°)╯彡┻━┻ says:

    I wonder if this guy decided to run while drunk, or on a bet (FTA):

    This year, Shortey has introduced a bill seeking a public vote on amending the Oklahoma Constitution to abolish the Court of Criminal Appeals.

    So he doesn’t want fetus’ to be a part of his diet, AND he think appeals are unconstitutional (to Oklahoma)

  15. Nigerian prince looking for business partner says:

    As a CHUD American, I vehemently oppose this legislation.

  16. dolemite says:

    I’m shocked. A Republican banning business practices? Just think of the jobs lost, as well as all of the tasty babies thrown away needlessly. We don’t need this regulation on job creators!

    • zerogspacecow says:

      No no no. You’ve got it all backward. Can’t you see that this practice needs to be banned immediately? Otherwise there will be “fetus farms” where women will paid to have abortions! Do you really want to be responsible for more baby murder in this country?!?! All just because you want your scrumptious fetus cookies.

      • dolemite says:

        Look, don’t make me go to war over the right to life. I will totally murder thousands of pro-choice people and their families and doctors if it means saving lives.

  17. dwtomek says:

    I’m more concerned with chain restaurants’ new fascination with preparing live infants for consumption over a fire pit. I think we can all agree that we need to go back to only using infants culled in a humane fashion.

    • dadelus says:

      But I LIKE picking my infant from the playpen at the front of the restaurant. How else am I supposed to know it’s fresh?

      • zerogspacecow says:

        Au contraire my friend. The past way to prepare a human child is aged, like a fine wine. At least 2-3 years if it’s a high end establishment.

      • Worstdaysinceyesterday says:

        I am with you… but i do not like the ones where you have to grill the baby yourself. I mean, c’mon I don’t go to a restaurant to cook my own food. Jeesh!

      • Greg Ohio says:

        You do know that the babies out front are for show, the ones they actually serve are frozen?

        Chain restaurant: BabiesRUs

  18. rdclark says:

    More proof, if any were needed, that you have to be crazy to run for public office.

  19. finbar says:

    Thank goodness. Now if they could only do something about all that dolphin semen they may someday put in peanut butter.

    • Spaghettius! says:

      It’s a serious concern of mine, too. Because there’s no way for consumers to tell whether the dolphin semen was harvested humanely, and I am trying to make more ethical purchases.

  20. Vermont2US says:

    I too am against the practice of using aborted fetuses in my food products. However, as I am pro-choice, I do think it should be a personal decision, not a legislated one.

    /s

  21. Kuri says:

    And moving close to election season this bullshit will no doubt increase.

    Politics, trying to look like you’re doing something without doing anything.

  22. Oranges w/ Cheese says:

    What. The. %!@%

  23. Loias supports harsher punishments against corporations says:

    Although I think this case is pretty ridiculous, I will add one point in favor of enacting legislation before the problem actually arises.

    One of the greatest moves Congress pulled during my lifetime, if not THE greatest move, was the Genetic Information Nondiscrimination Act (GINA).

    It guaranteed that you could not be discriminated against based on genetic markers. This Act was enacted well before genetic markers and cause and effect of certain genetic traits were known, and even today we’ve only scratched the surface of this field of study.

    This Act was complete far, far ahead of the time it would be deemed necessary, but it was indeed a necessary piece of legislation.

    So many this guy knows something we don’t?

    • crispyduck13 says:

      …even today we’ve only scratched the surface of this field of study….but it was indeed a necessary piece of legislation.

      So even though we don’t really have a handle on that field of study you know for a fact that the legislation was necessary? Have you developed ESP as well?
      You did bring up an excellent point about other pieces of completely useless legislation.

    • Orrie says:

      I was wondering if anybody but me had that thought. I mean, sure, it’s hilariously unlikely, but how can we really be sure? If it were the truth, we’d still think he was just as batshit insane, you know…

    • Kitty with attitude says:

      It is due to the use of HEK293 by Senomyx.

  24. some.nerd says:

    Wow. This is what you get when you elect the middle school class clown into office, I see.

  25. Mit Long says:

    From the senator’s refridgerator:

    Goals for 2012
    – Ban the practice of using human fetuses in food.
    – Outlaw devices that turn normal cats into vampire cats.
    – Call Mom more.
    – Make the Chinese stop beaming angry voices into my brain.

  26. duncanblackthorne says:

    I move that we all refer to the Senator as Ralph “Short-bus” Shortey from now on. XD

  27. MaxH42 thinks RecordStoreToughGuy got a raw deal says:

    #allthefacepalms

  28. Talmonis says:

    So basically, his entire re-election platform is going to be “Vote for me, because anyone who doesn’t supports the addition of aborted fetuses to your food supply”. You stay classy Republicans.

  29. eatyourchildren says:

    I believe the “independent research” he’s referring to is a speech Christopher Reeve made about the benefits of ingesting human fetuses-in an episode of South Park.

    Also, I have never commented on a post where my user id was so on point.

  30. nicless says:

    Do you think he watched the Matrix and got really confused?

  31. jp7570-1 says:

    Gotta be another wackjob Tea Partyer.

  32. NotSara says:

    I am just glad that for once a crazy story is coming from somewhere that isn’t Florida.

  33. CubeRat says:

    Ya all laugh…..but this guy may have just gotten himself added to Ron Paul’s ticket.

  34. kosmo @ The Soap Boxers says:

    and even the executive director of Oklahomans for Life tells the AP, “I don’t know anything about that.”

    Translation:
    “Yeah, I’m taking a bribe from the food industry to turn a blind eye to this. That ground beef you’re buying … yeah, totally not beef.”

  35. oldwiz65 says:

    The sad thing is that way too many people will believe this crazy nut. The religious crazies believe anything if you add the word “aborted fetuses”.

  36. Silverhawk says:

    What, did he read an Onion article and take it seriously?

  37. smarmyjones goes cattywampus says:

    did this “independent research on the Internet” include websites such as The Onion or 4Chan?

  38. alternety says:

    He may be thinking of scrapple. A Pennsylvania Dutch breakfast staple.

  39. MJDickPhoto says:

    this is actually a bill on stem cells, but this makes it sound more sensationalist for the STAR, I mean Consumerist.

    But in other directions, what will this do for Obama Green and the new Obama Orange?

    • AstroPig7 says:

      Right, because we should simply ignore the ridiculous parts of an otherwise sensible bill simply because it might sound sensationalist.

  40. Yacko says:

    Same state that tried to ban non-existing use of Sharia law.

  41. 10,000 Hours says:

    Reminds me of another nutcase Republican who wanted to ban “mind-controlling space weapons”:

    http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c107:H.R.2977.IH:

    Oh wait, did I say Republican? I meant uber liberal hero Dennis Kucinich. Huh, seems there’s a whole lot of crazy on both sides.

  42. teqjack says:

    Is he talkng about eggs? Caviar? What?

  43. Krazycalvin says:

    Just making sure all loose ends are tied… Corporations are crazy and this could eventually be a thing they consider.

  44. crispyduck13 says:

    “…independent research on the Internet…”

    Well there’s your problem. I also enjoy the random capitalization.

  45. JohnDeere says:
  46. GaryC says:

    Hey, hey hey!

    Keep your hands off my food. Maybe I WANT aborted fetus tissue in my dinner, ever think of that?

  47. Jelly says:

    This is actually more scary than funny.

    The linked article says he got the idea from rumors that embryonic stem cells could be used to manufacture flavors. Okay, who knows if that’s true. But Dear World: embryos and fetuses are not the same thing. Methods are being developed so that embryonic stem cells are not even going to come from dead embryos let alone dead fetuses.This guy isn’t trying to be funny, he’s trying to build on the fake connection between embryonic stem cell research and aborted fetuses.

  48. Jack Doe says:

    From his Facebook page: Other Likes and Activities, “In Soviet Russia Jokes.” Really? The 80′s called, they want Yakov Smirnov back.

  49. Jerem43 says:

    This sounds like the same ass that keeps spamming Wikipedia articles on Pepsi saying they are working with a company to develop artificial sweeteners based on aborted human fetuses.

  50. Jerem43 says:

    This sounds like the same ass that keeps spamming Wikipedia articles on Pepsi saying they are working with a company to develop artificial sweeteners based on aborted human fetuses.

  51. Dr. Ned - This underwear is Sofa King Comfortable! says:

    BAN SCHMAN!

    I’m glad I at least live in a state that still lets me eat my Baby Crisps! Next thing you’ll know he will want to ban Crunchy Frog!

  52. Shouhdes says:

    Yea…imaginary…so….go ahead and don’t come to my christmas dinner.

  53. Applekid ┬──┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ) says:

    But what about fetuses that give themselves willingly?

  54. Not Given says:
  55. I Love Christmas says:

    Okay, while all the snarky comments are appropriate per the way the article has spun the oakie’s words, a quick google search for “pepsi+fetus” will show you where his idea came from. And while I do agree there is probably some self aggrandizement happening from the “we must save the children” in this case “the unborn children” political pandering world, he’s got a point at the core.

    google: pepsi fetus and you’ll see where he’s coming from and enjoy the hidden food pleasures offered up by senomyx (.com).

  56. meske says:

    What’s he hiding??!?

  57. gman863 says:

    I want my baby back, baby back…Chili’s aborted baby back ribs!

    This guy has watched the “Fat Bastard” scene in Austin Powers a few too many times.

  58. ironflange says:

    He must think manbeef.com was the real thing. He’d better stay away from Christwire and Landover Baptist then.

  59. varro says:

    Senator Shortey should read his Bible and ban the treyf sold everywhere such as cheeseburgers and shirmp…

  60. Peacock (Now In Extra Crispy) says:

    Oklahoma? Isn’t this the same state that wants to prevent the imposition of Sharia law, too? Something that will NEVER happen?

    Like there’s not enough real shit to worry about.

    This guy’s aptly named. Shortey, right? He’s shortey in the common sense department. When God said brains, Shortey thought He meant trains and missed his.

  61. Kitty with attitude says:

    This all has to do with Senomyx & religion. http://www.westonaprice.org/modern-foods/senomyx
    It seems that Senomyx is using HEK293, which stands for Human Embryonic Kidney cells.

  62. gedster314 says:

    And we must stop the island nation of Nauru from developing weapons of mass destruction!

  63. BooCackles says:

    The first thing that popped into my mind when I read this was, ” Hey, you!!! Get in my belly!!!”

    Maybe he read the book _Stiff_ by Mary Roach. She wrote about how certain people in China will ingest aborted fetuses for health reasons. I cannot imagine that is a common practice here, though.

  64. ARVash says:

    Approval Rating of 9%. These guys are trying reaal hard this year to shape up.