You Can Pay Gwyneth Paltrow $425 For The Honor Of Using Her Goop Brand Cleanse

Have you felt plugged up and like you just haven’t done your part to pad Gwyneth Paltrow’s pocket? You’re in luck! The movie star and “goop” blogger has slapped her brand on a colon cleanse for the low low price of $425 so her fans can start the new year off fresh.

Gwynnie doesn’t want just any ho-hum mixture cleaning her pipes, so as she writes in her newsletter to her goop devotees, she’s partnered up with the doctor behind Clean to present her own product. Now you can be just like a multimillionaire movie star and her famous musician husband!

Next week, when it’s back to the grind with work and the daily school run, I’m starting off with Clean, my go-to cleanse from Dr. Alejandro Junger, with whom goop has partnered for the month of January. I’ve used Clean in the past with great results, losing a few pounds and kickstarting a healthier and more energetic New Year.

After shelling out your $425, you’ll get a box with a bunch of powders, liquids, insulin regulator, probiotics and other cleanse-y items.

No word on whether or not you also receive a sense of smug self-satisfaction over non-cleansing pals.

The goop cleanse [goop]

Comments

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  1. shepd says:

    Would be better if it came with a subscription to Skeptical Inquirer.

  2. FreeMarketFan says:

    For $9.99 you can go Taco Bell and get a few bean burritos & fire sauce.

    Both will accomplish the same end goal

    • GMFish says:

      For $9.99 you could get a whole week of treatments.

    • MrMagoo is usually sarcastic says:

      “end goal”

    • Gravitational Eddy says:

      White Castle sliders, about four of them along with the fries and drink will set you back about $4.00. And guaranteed to work by AM tommorrow.

      I’ll swear in court in front of a judge that my surgeon told me these were good for a restart after my last colon surgery. He said they worked in at least 80% of his patients…
      Imagine what would be needed if you are one of the remaining 20%…

    • Gertie says:

      This is the truth. Whenever someone in our family is feeling innardly sluggish, I cure them with a few Taco Bell tacos or a bean burrito. Works like a charm.

  3. IT-Princess: I work in IT, you owe me $1 says:

    I wanted to do something like this when I changed a bunch of medication and my eating habits and my doctor said it’s all garbage, so I never did.
    There are “cleanses” you can make at home with a few ingredients, not sure what makes this worth $400.
    Also I really can’t stand Gwyneth Paltrow. I don’t have a specific reason why. Her face, her voice, I don’t know. I just have this feeling that if I ever met her I would get joy out of punching her in the ovaries.

  4. dolemite says:

    I pay $6.50 for my colon cleanse, and it tastes great. Hellooo Chinese buffet.

  5. Dallas_shopper says:

    Ugh, she is so nauseatingly smug and disgusting. Does anyone read her blog for reasons other than to point and laugh? Seriously…does ANYONE take this entitled, self-important snot seriously?

  6. Fubish says: I don't know anything about it, but it seems to me... says:

    Indian food! Just need that, a big empty rubber bag, and a roll of terlet paper. Problem solved!

    • Dallas_shopper says:

      Or you can do what you should be doing, i.e. drinking plenty of water, eating a healthy diet, getting plenty of sleep, and getting regular exercise several days a week.

      :-D

      That’s what I do! I don’t need a damn cleanse to help me poop.

    • Snowblind says:

      Me, you, and a bucket of Vindaloo…

  7. sirwired says:

    I know that for decades various health nuts have been obsessed with colon cleanliness. (Harvey Kellogg (of Kellogg cereal fame) was a famous quack obsessed with colon cleansing.

    What is the deal? “Toxins” don’t build up over time in the colon. “Cleansing” it can indeed make it squeaky-clean, but what’s the point? Your doctor has you do this before a colonoscopy because he needs to jam a camera up your rectum. You, regular person, have absolutely no need to do this on a regular basis. Waste goes in one end, it gets dessicated, and flows out the other end. Sometimes it does this too quickly and you have diarrhea, which dehydrates you. Sometimes it does it too slowly, and you get consitpated, which hurts and eventually causes hemorrhoids, but has no other ill effect; certainly it doesn’t cause “toxins” to leech into your bloodstream. (Unless your colon bursts, in which case some magic junk from a celebrity isn’t going to help.)

    If you are constipated, eat more fiber and on occasion use a laxative; but beyond that, leave your poor lower intestine alone.

    • YouDidWhatNow? says:

      Religion, antivax, climate change denial, moon hoax conspirators, homeopathy, etc. etc. etc.

      Can’t fix stupid.

      • IR1 says:

        whoa you had to throw religion in there eh? wow #%$ move lulz. If you said scientology then I would have been on board.

    • The Slime Oozing Out From Your TV Set says:

      All of that assumes your digestive system is working very well. That’s not a good assumption to make for people in the U.S..

      Even so, water, oatmeal, lacto-fermented foods, and plain old walking, all have proven benefits to digestive health, unlike colon cleansing.

      • sirwired says:

        Even if your digestive system is working poorly, it doesn’t cause “toxins” to build up. Chronic constipation isn’t very healthy and it’s painful (and, if untreated, can lead to an impacted bowel), but none of that has to do with any so-called “toxins.” If you do indeed suffer from chronic constipation, flushing out your colon just a few times a year won’t help one bit.

        Even if it would help, a PEG-3350 flush (standard colonoscopy prep) prescribed by a doctor is way cheaper than $425, and your bowels will be clean as a whistle afterwards.

  8. crispyduck13 says:

    $425? Well there’s a sucker born every minute I suppose.
    Hell for $1.50 I can go down to my local Rutters and get their delicious hazlenut coffee, will accomplish the same thing and wake me up!

  9. mavrick67 says:

    I have Crohns disease, which means I suffer from “intestinal distress” a few times a month. I don‚Äôt understand why anyone would want to give themselves prolonged explosive diarrhea, much less spend $425 for the privilege.

    • Fast Eddie Eats Bagels says:

      My wife has had Crohns for 7 years now, and watching her during flare ups is not fun for me or her butt.
      /joking

      On a serious note: do you take anything for your crohns? Her doctors recommended Humira but she refused once she read all the side effects.

      • mavrick67 says:

        I’m currently taking Asacol. It’s been around for years, it’s not as strong as some of the newer Crohns drugs, but side effects are negligible and it keeps my more serious outbreaks in check

      • GirlWithGloves says:

        I use Humira for my rheumatoid immune disease (aka rheumatoid arthritis). I’ve had this for 17 years, taking Humira for 5 years. The good so far outweighs any bad: I can live my daily life as if I don’t have a crippling, degenerative, destructive disease. My flares are greatly reduced to a random joint every now and then. My immunity can be lessened by Humira, thus I get the flu shot yearly.

        For me, I do the Humira injection on Friday (I can feel it hit within an hour or two after injecting), so I have the weekend to “recover”. Usually that involves fatigue, maybe a little nausea (it triggers my sinus congestion), more fatigue, and the sensation of “oof” in my body; much of this is helped by just resting and having simple meals/snacks, lots of water and maybe drinking/eating something that has lemon. Quite often, I just sleep it off and I wake up hungry and feeling much more normal. Some Humira weekends, I can go out and do things but I have to make sure I’v rested the after effect off first and I’m generally fine. It can pack a wallop, but I can walk, ride a bike, run, get up and move around without stiffness or inflammation. Some days, I forget I even have this godforsaken disease. It’s been worth it for me.

        Also, Humira has a patient assistance program to help pay for the cost of the medicine. It’s over $1800 for two (twice monthly prescribed) injections without insurance, reduced to a $5 copay with my insurance and their patient assistance program, which is awesome!

    • Snakeophelia says:

      Thank you. I mean, let’s call a “cleanse” what it is – diarrhea.

      You want your colon cleansed? Here, have a case of my IBS with diarrhea, along with social mortification, dehydration, inflammation, and a crappy immune system. That’ll be $425.

      If you only have to “go” once a day or so, you should be thanking your lucky stars, not buying expensive Goop.

      • mavrick67 says:

        The only legitimate reason someone has to “cleanse” themselves is in preperation for a colonoscopy. (which I’ve had to do about a dozen times:( )

      • Anna Kossua says:

        I have IBS, too, and it is absolute hell. A couple times I’ve been in so much pain they had to give me morphine or dilaudid. The pain still shot right through! Anyone who would pay even a penny to feel like they ingested a land mine must be insane.

    • invisibelle says:

      This is my thinking *exactly* – I truly don’t get why people are paying good money to give themselves diarrhea. For $425, you could buy a round trip to Mexico and drink the water there or something.

  10. edicius is an acquired taste says:

    Hi Gwyneth. See you next Tuesday.

  11. Happy Tinfoil Cat says:

    We have an old fashioned recipe that cleans you out real good. It was adapted from one to cleanse goats when they ate stuff they shouldn’t have. One of the secret ingredients is blended egg shells.

    • IT-Princess: I work in IT, you owe me $1 says:

      I had read something using lemon and syrup or some strange concoction.

      • tinyninja says:

        Master Cleanse. Lemon juice, real maple syrup for sweetness and vitamins and cayenne pepper. For 30 days. And that’s pretty much all you eat.

  12. chiieddy says:

    Or you could just eat properly and make sure you get the appropriate amount of fiber in your diet or something.

    (And curses to the person who brought in salted chocolate covered caramels to the office today!)

  13. PLATTWORX says:

    What Ms. Paltrow is peddling can be easily done yourself with lots of water (lots!) fiber, probiotics and time spent reading in your bathroom… for a couple bucks. :) You can feel alot better after a clense, but the moment you pull back up to the drive thru… you just reload your body with more garbage.

  14. Conformist138 says:

    Is it just me, or is the word “Goop” the WORST brand name for a colon cleanse ever? There is no way I want anything emerging from that area to be goopy!

    • Happy Tinfoil Cat says:

      I have used “Goop” which is a tradename for a specific hand cleaner, great for removing engine grease. I’ve seen the same name on another product, I think it was a tennis shoe repair glue. It would be interesting to see how many products have trademarks for Goop.

  15. patty says:

    what, pray tell, is the attraction to this person? I mean, I just don’t get her, she is like the popularflavorofthemonth.

    I have never seen her in anything good…what is the attraction, help me out here…

  16. Lucky225 says:

    Didn’t consumerist just post an article about this a few hours ago? Ah yes, here it is
    http://consumerist.com/2012/01/businesses-that-rip-off-poor-people.html

  17. lovemypets00 - You'll need to forgive me, my social filter has cracked. says:

    Or you could spend a few dollars and take Dulcolax. OMG I took two of those pills once. I was really sick with some sort of bug and didn’t poop for two days (which is highly unusual for me as I eat lots of raw fruit and vegetables). So I took one, waited 6 hours, and nothing. So I took the second pill. Huge mistake. I was in so much pain and pooped so much I thought my colon would come out. I thought I would pass out on the bathroom floor.

    I am dreading having a colonoscopy when the time comes because I hear not only do you take like 4 of these pills, plus you drink other stuff. I may just die.

    Why would anyone willingly take this goop stuff?

    • AllanG54 says:

      Colonoscopy isn’t too bad. No pills, just this crap that tastes like thick Jello that hasn’t congealed yet. Have plenty of Gatorade handy because that’s what they tell you to drink to replace your electrolytes.

    • Gravitational Eddy says:

      it comes in a little tiny green tinted 8 oz bottle and looks like soda water, tastes like lemon flavored SOUR and will pump you clean within four hours. $1.79 at Walgreens

  18. Klay says:

    Ahhhh Dr. Alejandro….

    Don’t call my name.
    Don’t call my name, Alejandro.

    Well, not for US$425…

  19. shalegac says:

    If it’s one thing I thought when I see Gwyneth Paltrow it’s that she could lose a few pounds.

  20. Jules Noctambule says:

    A fool and their money, etc. . . . .

  21. milehound says:

    Gwynnie is the last person you should turn to for health advice. Many of the practices she praised in her newsletter likely contributed to her developing osteopenia at age 37!

  22. RayanneGraff says:

    I’ll just read her woo woo blog if I wanna shit my guts out.

  23. CharlesFarley says:
  24. smo0 says:

    As much as I can laugh at this idea… most of the stuff you use for a pro cleanse doesn’t run cheap – granted not THAT expensive.. but I’d say the 100-200 dollar range.

    Just a heads up…

  25. BennieHannah says:

    Is that how much an enema costs these days? They were free when my Granny was doing them.

  26. JusticeGustine says:

    “doctor behind Clean”

    Read it as the doctor’s name.

  27. skakh says:

    I would gladly pay Paltrow to just go away. A truly pathetic person.

  28. Emily says:

    Sigh. The human body comes with its own detoxification system (and it can be yours for the low low cost of $0). We’d all be dead if it didn’t.

  29. ginnel says:

    Nothing will make me believe this girl will ever be anything but full of shit.

  30. bacov1 says:

    As mentioned by an earlier poster, a roll-of-the-dice World Class option is the Indian restaurant buffet. Just make sure you don’t live far away or, at the least, be familiar with acceptable restrooms in the area. In a memorable personal experience, I was fortunate to “cleanly” survive at home and did not need to tack on a trip to the hospital emergency room.