Man Caught Joining The Mile-High Club With Himself On United Flight

Sure, you can be quite the topic of conversation at a party if you can claim you’ve joined the Mile-High Club, but it’s a much sadder story if you’re the guy who got caught having sex with yourself. In your seat. Next to an innocent bystander.

Such is the case for Kyle Pearce, 25, who was found out by an 18-year-old girl sitting next to him on United Airlines flight 340 between Spokane, Wash. and Denver, reports The Smoking Gun (via Gawker).

According to a sworn affidavit by FBI Agent Martin Daniel, Pearce was named in a misdemeanor criminal complaint on May 20 charging him with making an “obscene and indecent exposure of his person” on an aircraft.

The female witness told investigators that she was seated next to Pearce, who was in an aisle seat in Row 18. She heard a funny noise, looked over and caught him in the act with his equipment out. And, says the report, “he got some on the seat” before going to the bathroom for a “long time.”

Another passenger behind Pearce, a male, also 18, says he saw the man masturbating and hit him with a book on the arm, which caused him to stop.

In case you’re worried that you might be flying on that very aircraft where Pearce “got some on the seat,” TSG reports it is an Airbus A319 with tail number N843UA. It’s gone across the U.S. 12 times since the masturbatory debacle on May 19.

For those interested in a less euphemistic report than the one we mustered here, check out the full document on TSG.

We’re Gonna Need a Cleanup In Aisle 18 [The Smoking Gun]