The House That Recall Built: Welcome To America's Most Dangerous Home!

Oh, hey there. I didn’t see you as I was just watching this improperly audio-synced Saving Private Ryan Blu-Ray on my overheating Vaio laptop. Welcome to our home, a top-to-bottom shining example of danger, stocked to the brim with 2010’s most infamous recalled products! Let’s take a little tour, shall we?

I noticed you checking out my sweet rides in the driveway. That’s right, rides. We’ve got the nicest cars Toyota could ever pull off the lot — oh yeah, I’m talking the Corolla, Matrix, Lexus, you name it. Way better than the Nissans, BMWs, Hondas, Chryslers and other trouble-plagued cars you’ll see at the Jones’ house!

With all the horsepower we’re driving around with, I still manage to save some space in the garage for all the projects I’m working on. We’re packing the hottest tools — literally! The Orbit sander sort of sends objects flying, and yeah the Ryobi drills are almost too hot to handle, but they look really cool, so you know, trade-offs are a part of life.

Just in case you’re trying to peek into our windows when we’re not home — nosy Nellies! — we’ve installed these nice Lowes roll-up blinds, after the Ikea ones we started off with posed a strangulation hazard. The Lowes ones could kill us or the baby, too, but the ambience they create is really appreciated around here.

Speaking of kids, have you seen Junior toddling around? He is just the cutest! We’ve got baby gates all over the place that may or may not prevent him from going where he shouldn’t. We made sure to get him the best hobby horse and rocking horse money could buy, despite that silly recall. When he gets a little fussy we just quiet him with a nice bottle of beetle-flavored Similac, and let him nap it out either in his drop-side crib bed, chill in the Nap Nanny recliner, or rock him in his Infantino sling. Going for walks is always a life or death experience, as his Graco stroller poses a bit of a strangulation risk! Could be safer than his Maestro car seat, but who knows?

He doesn’t get all the attention though, his big sister has a well equipped room, complete with this super cool pirate bed, and a jewelry box filled with kids’ bobbles laced with cadmium. Sometimes she just needs to get away from it all, so we send her to camp out in the backyard with the Circo Combo Space Pack, a superhero flashlight to light up the night (and her hand, ha!) and as many Fisher Price toys as she can carry.

Now if you’ll join me in the kitchen, I can whip us up something to eat. Take your pick, the fridge and our Black & Decker freezer are stocked with the tastiest E-coli tainted Costco gouda, salmonella dusted eggs, bad ground beef, recalled Bumble Bee Chicken salad, yucky deli meat from Wal-Mart — only the finest! To wash it all down, we like to sip from our lead-covered decorative glasses and clean up with the Maytag dishwasher we fondly dubbed “the house burner.” Even Fido gets in on the recall taste explosion with his salmonella-tainted dog treats.

Although our family tries to stay healthy, we can’t avoid the occasional headache, so it’s a good thing our medicine cabinet is filled with Tylenol, Motrin, all the stuff kids need to feel better. Ignore that musty odor, it’s totally normal, or so we think. If the gouda made your stomach a bit upset, pop some Mylanta or Rolaids, on sale due to what like to call, Recall-a-palooza.

Okay. We think you get the point. The past year has had more recalls than safe products, or at least it seems that way looking back. Here’s to a happy and healthy 2011, eh?