How To Save Up Money For The Apocalypse

Once you’ve taken advantage of the Second Coming Jewelry Sale, you may be wondering: how can I make sure that I have a nest egg ready for the End Times? Reader loquaciousmusic came up with this great idea to take advantage of two proposed “expiration dates” for the Earth. If the world ends–oh, well, you probably won’t have missed that $10 per week. If it does–hey, use the money to buy yourself something cool to celebrate still being alive.

The website WeCanKnow.com is predicting the end of the world. More
specifically, they’re telling their loyal readers “that the date of
the rapture of believers will take place on May 21, 2011″ and “God
will destroy this world on October 21, 2011.” That’s right: less than
a year from now, the world will have ended.

So I came up with an idea. It’s easy and, if the world doesn’t, in
fact, end, there’s a nice payoff. Here are the steps:

1. Go online and open up a savings account. You can do so through
your own bank or through an online bank like ING Direct.

2. Call this savings account “The Apocalypse Fund.”

3. Set up a recurring deposit into “The Apocalypse Fund” to start
today and to end on 10/21/11. The deposit can be as small or as large
as you would like. It can be deposited weekly, bi-weekly, or
monthly–whatever you can afford.

4. At the same time, set up the same amount to be deposited into your
*regular* savings account. (If you don’t have one of those, for God’s
sake, set one up, too!)

5. At the end of the process, you should have, for example, $10 a
week going into “The Apocalypse Fund” and $10 a week going into your
standard savings account. If you start the account today (12/3/10),
there are 46 weeks until 10/21/11–and that’s $460 into each account.
If you deposit $25, you’ll get $1150 into each account.

6. If you wake up on the morning of October 22, 2011, first be
grateful that the world hasn’t ended. Then, if you want, take the
money out of “The Apocalypse Fund” and buy yourself something nice.
Hey, you have every right to–after all, you’ve deposited the same
amount of money into your savings account, right? (Of course, you
could also go online and find yet another website that predicts that
the world will end sometime in the future–say, in 2012–and just change
the “end” date on your account, too!)

Anyway, I hope you like this idea, a kind of “Christmas Club” but for
Armageddon.

Comments

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  1. loquaciousmusic says:

    Thanks for posting my idea, Consumerist! I even started a Facebook group because, well, why not?

    (On a related note, do you think that Facebook will survive when the end times come? I can easily imagine a future in which cockroaches are posting status updates from work.)

    • BHall says:

      Your idea is to have us reduce our enjoyment of new things by, for example $80 a month, so in the event that the world ends we don’t get to spend it any of it anyway? That’s a sick, sick and misaligned mind you have there… did something new kill your parents in a tragic gravity accident?

      Heres an old protip: borrow all you can, spend lavishly and hope it all comes to an end before it needs repaid.

  2. dulcinea47 says:

    Dudes. When the apocalypse happens, cash is NOT what you’re going to need. Any good conspiracy theorist knows that.

    • loquaciousmusic says:

      I’m also saving up beef jerky, soup, and the Back to the Future trilogy on Blu-Ray. If Armageddon comes, I’ll be ready!

    • Me - now with more humidity says:

      Beaver pelts and Squinkles?

    • Platypi {Redacted} says:

      I think the common requirements for apocalypses are guns, ammo, food and fuel. I highly doubt $460 in a savings account will help you when the shit hits the fan! At the minimum, convert that cash to something you can actually trade for the above. Paper money from a government that no longer exists probably will help you about as much as a bb gun in a Zombie Apocalypse!

      Kind of a fun Friday story though!

    • Warren - aka The Piddler on the Roof says:

      No kidding. It’s Twinkies you want. Lots and lots of Twinkies.

      Oh, and guns. With guns I can take your money…and your Twinkies.

    • anduin says:

      exactly what I thought when I read the headline, when it comes and its every man for himself, food and water + gas will become more important commodities than ever, guns will do the talking

  3. Etoiles says:

    I’ll just start hoarding bottle caps now, shall I?

  4. Torgonius wants an edit button says:

    I’m not a Christian, but I am all for the ‘rapture’ and don’t think it can come soon enough.

    Removing a decent chunk of the population will cure unemployment and several other economic ills. It will free up a lot of real estate currently locked up under churches. This land can be converted for better use. Likewise, cemeteries will also be redundant and the land reclaimed.

    Where do I get my official ‘number of the beast’ tattoo now?

    • mac-phisto says:

      plus, a return to 80′s hair, face paint & death fights in large metal domes. WIN!

    • pecan 3.14159265 says:

      Actually, it would probably cause mass panic and disaster all over the world. After the rapture, civilization would probably come to a stop. Given that you can’t exactly be 100% sure who would be collected by the rapture and when, you can’t guarantee that at the moment of the rapture every person is sitting down quietly and not flying a plate, driving a vehicle, monitoring a nuclear reactor, or performing surgery.

      They don’t call them “end times” for giggles, ya know…it’d be a clusterfracas.

  5. mac-phisto says:

    cool idea. make sure you cash it all in for cola before the 21st. maximize your returns: pre-apocalypse money is only worth 0.6 bottle caps.

  6. rpm773 says:

    I’m converting my cash into gold.

    So that I can spend the dystopic future wandering the post-apocalyptic wasteland, lugging it around, constantly fighting off would-be thieves.

  7. MeOhMy says:

    Replace “apocalypse” with “engagement ring” (they’re pretty much synonymous, right?) and that’s pretty much how I saved for the ring. When I met the girl who would become my wife I realized early on, so I set up a 6-month window. I ran a quick calculation on the monthly payment/insurance for the new car I had been considering for some time and set up an auto-debit to put that in savings every month. If after 6 months things were still going well, I’d get her a ring…and if things were not going well, I’d break up with her and console myself with a shiny new car.

    She got the ring. I did eventually get the car, too, just took an extra 7 years :-)

    • loquaciousmusic says:

      I really like how easy it is, what with all the online banking possibilities, to set up separate savings accounts and to have money quietly deposited into them. I think it took me less than a minute to set this one up and, since there is no minimum and no penalty if the balance drops below a certain amount, there is no reason not to do so.

  8. HogwartsProfessor says:

    Ha ha, this is great.

    I need to do this anyway.

  9. doomsdayZen says:

    I’m celebrating each “End of the World” by taking that day off from work. I already scheduled vacation for 12/21/2012 (the end of the Mayan calendar) so now I have two days off!

    It would be nice if all these apocalypses could be scheduled sequentially over an entire week. Then I could go someplace nice like Hawaii to enjoy them.

    • loquaciousmusic says:

      Work backwards, then: start a website saying that the world will end (insert dates here), work backwards through the Bible to find evidence, and voilà! Instant vacation week (or at least long weekend)!

  10. sprybuzzard says:

    Hey the world better not end, that’s a week before my wedding and I’ll be damned to miss it after planning the friggin thing.

  11. Mr. Fix-It says: "Canadian Bacon is best bacon!" says:

    I find Information, not Cash, is the hot item to stockpile in case of impeding apocalypse.

    People will bend over backwards, even if they’ve got all the pre-apoc money in the world, so long as you’re the only man within 50 miles who still knows how to forge a blade or blend gunpowder ;3

  12. Sian says:

    Scuse me, but how is money going to be useful? In case of TEotWaWKI, demand will be for much more practical items, and not a paper currency that is supported by a nonexistent government.

    fuel, food, water, ammunition, clothing, toilet paper, medical supplies.

    • Mr. Fix-It says: "Canadian Bacon is best bacon!" says:

      TEotWaWKI

      I got as far as ‘Total End of the World’ but you lost me after that. :/ Also, in case of Near-Extinction Event, have ‘wood gasifier’ blueprints safeguarded. Fossil fuels will be much harder to come by in Post-Apocalypia.

  13. I just blue myself says:

    More specifically, they’re telling their loyal readers “that the date of the rapture of believers will take place on May 21, 2011″

    Happy birthday to me…

  14. YoungGod says:

    I just changed the name of one of my accounts to The Apocalypse Fund just because I think it will be funny to see the recurring transfer to it show up on my statement. LOL

  15. knackeredmom says:

    Stop paying bills for extra savings! In the event of the rapture, will B of A really be able to foreclose on your house? Will credit card companies be able to track you down? Even if you’re not “raptured up,” I’m thinking you have some lag time to steal an identity or two, right?

    So, it’s time to party and rack up credit card bills. It’s more important than ever to travel to your “bucket list” destinations. Hawaii here I come!

    /snark

  16. Not Given says:

    Here and I thought Judgment Day was gonna be on April 21, 2011.

  17. Cyniconvention says:

    1.) Buy a holy book. You don’t have to read it, just buy it.
    2.) Survive apocalypse.
    3.) Auction said holy book to the highest bidder

    Optional; Wield a machete and carry a iPod Classic.